Sunday, May 27, 2012

Dear Other Drivers

Dear Other Drivers,

I thought I had warned you. I bought a minivan, put pro-life plates on it, and slapped a "Baby on Board" sticker to the trunk. To me, that says, "Hey! I'm not going to drive like a crazy person." Instead you read, "Maybe if I just follow her a little closer she will speed up."

Okay, let me spell it out for you.

I like my kids. I spend hundreds of dollars on the safest car seats but I am not planning on testing them out. My minivan is completely paid off and I don't feel like replacing it. So BACK THE FRICK OFF! There is a reason I have titled this blog "Momma Behr". Sure it's a cutesy play on words involving my name but it is also a warning. Threaten my family and I will claw your face off.

Here is the secret about women... you may think we are just crazy when we are PMSing or when we are pregnant but one thing I have learned about the female system from studying Natural Family Planning is that we are always hormonal. PMS = Hormonal. On our period = hormonal. Getting read to ovulate = hormonal. Ovulation = hormonal. After ovulation = hormonal. Pregnant = HORMONAL. Post Partum = hormonal. Breastfeeding = hormonal. Menopause = hormonal.

On other words until we are into, on average, our mid to late forties we are a bubbling fountain of crazy just waiting to spill out all over you. Oh we hide it well, but take even the sanest and most low key among us... and it's there. It's science. Or something.

You may experience it when your wife or girlfriend wakes up in the morning mad at you for something you did in her dream. Or maybe you notice it when she cries over characters in books/movies/TV shows like they are real people. Or maybe you realize you wife has been out at the grocery store for a exceptionally long time and you look out the window into the driveway to see her immersed in a pint of Ice Cream. (and yeah I capitalized Ice Cream as I would the name of any of my best friends. It's just that important.) Who knows? One thing is for sure, we women are fiercely protective of those we love. You've seen those chick flicks where the women band together and go to crazy lengths to protect their friend from some total jerk? Imagine that times a million and you will begin to understand how we feel about our children.

So here is the deal Other Drivers. Red means stop. Green means go. Yield means yield. Slow down in parking lots where kids are walking into stores with their parents. Slow down in neighborhoods where children are at play. And putting my flashers on means BACK UP OFF OF MY GRILL. I'm not going to swear or give you the finger (although I may honk and give you the Italian Back Hand) but I swear, if you ever hit my car while you are driving like an idiot I will call the cops and take allllllll of your money.

I think you understand me now.

You've been warned,

Momma Behr

And now to lighten the mood here are some hilarious pictures of my kids sleeping in weird positions. Enjoy.

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