I went grocery shopping yesterday with both babies. I'm used to it by now. Juliette sits in her infant car seat which goes inside the main part of the shopping cart. Madeleine is sitting in the seat. The food goes anywhere there is room. Occasionally one of my kids gets something in their hands which I don't notice and we end up shoplifting.
My favorite part of the shopping with kids experience is if one of them starts crying in the middle of the trip. Madeleine might throw a completely righteous temper tantrum if she sees something she wants and MEAN MOMMY tells her no. Juliette could decide that she wants to be held even though it is impossible to push a shopping cart full of things (and her sister) and carry her without dropping her. MEAN MOMMY. When those things happen I experience the, "Who are these kids and why are they calling me mommy" moment. It's like the old ladies and women with quiet children come to find you and they just follow you as you hurredly grab the last couple of items, shushing and comforting and pleading and bribing, before heading to check out.
Undoubtedly someone will tell me that I should just pick her up. Or that she is hungry. And I give them angry dagger laser eyes and try to explain calmly to them that I cannot pick up the baby and push the cart or I will drop her. And I cannot leave the cart because it has the toddler in it and all the food she has grown accustomed to eating. And I can't shop without them because my husband is at work and when he gets home I want to spend time with him. And she just ate before we came so that isn't the problem either but thanks for playing. But what I want to scream is, "OMG SHE WILL FREAKING LIVE I JUST NEED TO GRAB THE MILK AND GET OUT OF HERE WITHOUT YOUR JUDGEMENT". Because I haven't slept through the night in two and a half years and I am hormonal and cranky.
Well, yesterday wasn't much different. The toddler was happy because I was buying her cookies and a box of crackers with the characters from "Glee" on the cover. (I know, it's embarrassing that my kid knows and is sold by things with Glee on it but we have dance parties to the music so it's actually not as bad as it seems.) The baby was sleeping most of the time we were inside but woke up when I had only four items on my list left. And she woke up teething.
So I pushed the cart with one hand on the front, guiding it in a sort of zig zag pattern trying to not hit the displays and people and one hand inside her mouth. And when I took my finger out of her mouth and she was unable to chew on it, mommy makes the only exceptable teether, all hell would break loose. The last four items were on the same isle. Milk, creamer, bagels, butter. And there is this guy, probably 50, grocery shopping on his phone with his laptop open in the front. Making a business call. And I take my hand out of baby's mouth to grab the milk and SCREAMING and the guy shoots me a dirty look and says to the person he is on the phone with, "Sorry I can't hear you. There is someone here with an annoying, screaming baby." And let me tell you, I'm not proud, but after I got over my urge to scream profanities at him and pelt him with eggs... I lingered.
I lingered the crap out of that isle. I got all vindictive all up in Price Chopper and I lingered so that dirty look shooting lap topping man couldn't hear his precious phone call. (Five hours of sleep people. Please don't judge.) It was only when my maternal instincts got control of my hormones that I put my finger back in the baby's mouth and lopsidedly pushed the cart to checkout. But not before picking up one last item.
And that, Kyle, is why there are three things of Ben and Jerry's in our freezer. I'm really sorry. The hormones made me do it.