Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Babies, Babies, Babies oh

There are many days that go by when I have to wonder, why did God trust me to be a mother. I mean, I'm by far not the worst person he could have blessed with children but sometimes I feel wildly inadequate for the vocation I was given.

Being a mom causes me to evaluate myself often and I'm not the type of person who does well looking at her flaws. I'm extremely scrupulous and I beat myself up over everything so a lot of times I try to avoid it. Not the way to get to heaven but it was the only way I found to avoid those nasty tummy aches I got when I realized just how sinful I am and how undeserving I am of God's love and mercy.

Still, God chose to bless me with an amazing husband and two beautiful baby girls. And as I said, being a mom means having to be constantly trying to improve yourself so you can do a better job for your kids. And I suppose that right there is what forces me to do it. I have to do it for my kids and I would do anything for them. Examining my sinfulness becomes something that I want to do. For them. With this new revelation I've found that I spend less time beating myself up over every mistake I make. It's not because I care less but because I can't afford to take time out of loving them to nurture my self pity.

I can still try to atone for my sins but in a much more productive way. Offering up those late nights, the diapers that get all over everything, the tantrums, and the outfits covered in vomit. Even something as small as the dishes becomes a sacrifice. I can do the dishes, which I despise, remembering how I am doing it to serve God and my family. It's not fun but it's infinitely more bearable. I put a placard by my sick with the quote from Mother Theresa that says, "Do small things with great love." because I know that it what my vocation is all about. It is the small things of day to day life that will get me to heaven despite my sinfulness. I'm not perfect but this vocation is giving me so many ways to become like Our Lady and she was.

Tonight my little buddy is sitting on my lap. I would love to be sleeping right now but she wants to snuggle and just be with me. It won't be this way forever, someday she'll be too cool for me, then in college, then married or a nun, and I won't be able to have her sit on my lap and just be. So as much as I would love to sleep, I am enjoying this time.

When I get too down on myself I have to remember the way she loves me. I may not be a perfect mother but my child adores me. She thinks that I am. She doesn't know that I can't sew or sing but she doesn't care. All she cares about is that I love her and that I take care of her, which I do. There is no greater proof to me that I am doing a good job than the smile she gets when she sees me. She knows I love her but she has no idea just how much.

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