As the newly hired youth minister in a small parish in Massachusetts I was invited to give a talk during a special parish night of prayer and holy hour about what Christ in the Eucharist meant to me. I was sitting on my couch preparing and drinking a coffee. As the time I was supposed to leave drew nearing a headache I had been fighting off all day got worse and worse. I needed to take something but before I did I decided to take a pregnancy test, just in case. It was October 7th, two days before my birthday, and I was still broken hearted over the loss of our fist baby and scared that because of the ectopic pregnancy that I would never be able to have a child. I thought that there was be no way I could be pregnant but something inside me told me to check, just in case. I got out my cheap CVS pregnancy test and soon one line appeared, and then another line, making a faint plus sign. It was so faint I didn't want to get excited. I called my mom. She said to take a picture of it with my phone and send it to her. She called back in tears. "Sarah that is positive. You are pregnant." I called Kyle who was driving home from work. He almost crashed his car. That night I felt a glow exuding from the inside. I had life inside me once again and a peaceful feeling that this time, it would work out. When Kyle got home we went and bought some prenatals.
That was my first real mother's day.
Everyone seemed to think I was crazy to want my kids so close together but I loved being a mom so much and I wanted to make sure that Madeleine had a sibling. So when I went to California I knew there was a chance that I could be expecting again. I took a pregnancy test the day after I got there and it was negative. I was sad but decided it was only the first month and it would happen when it was supposed to. Theresa and I had a lot of good food... and some good drinks over the next few days. And a lot of coffee. It was the day of our trip to Disney and my period still hadn't come. I decided, once again, to take a pregnancy test. We bought one at a Rite Aid and I went to the Jack in the Box to take it. I stood in the stall watching both lines form. I was pregnant again. I remember stumbling out to the car, almost falling over. I was crying and calling Kyle and then my parents and sisters one by one. All day I touched my belly and thanked God for this new life I was carrying and that no matter what, Madeleine would have a sibling.
My next real Mother's Day.
Sometimes motherhood can be challenging and exhausting but those little girls mean the world to me and I cannot thank God enough for giving them to me. I have loved them since the day I found out about them, even before. Each time I found out I was pregnant my life changed and my heart changed to make room for all the extra love they would bring. I don't feel ready for another baby quite yet but I know that when and if the Lord decides to bless me with a third child that I will once again be astounded by the amount I can love.
Someday, if you read this my babies, know that I love you more and more each day.
More than my own life.