I've never been the type of person that has had a niche, a place where I really felt like I fit in. Growing up I was always on the outside of many different groups. I always had one or two best friends and lots of people I hung out with but I was never really on the inside. Whatever that means.
It starts with the little cliques as early as preschool and they just develop all through high school and even into college. In all that time I kept looking for a place where I could really be myself and feel like I was accepted. Looking back on my post from yesterday, I realize that this is where a lot of my insecurities stem from. Honestly, I'm not sure I ever tried that hard either. I wasn't the type of person, even from as young as three or four, that wanted to be part of a group badly enough that I would ever give up who I was or what I wanted. If I was going to play with people it would be by my rules. If they didn't want to play what I wanted to play, then I'd go it on my own.
In high school I was involved in drama and in youth group. I found people that I loved and that loved me through each of those, and I was a really happy teenager. I don't look back on high school thinking about how awful it was, I really enjoyed it, but still I am only really in close contact with two people from those days.
In college I joined a million ministries and didn't stick with anything longer than a year. I said that I wanted to try new things but in truth, wherever I was I was restless. I picked my household (kind of a Catholic sorority if you will) quickly and soon realized that I didn't fit in well there either. I loved the covenant that we lived by, it was all about suffering with Christ on the Cross in union with Our Lady, and that really struck a chord with me and how I wanted to live my life. But the girls all just seemed so different from me and I didn't feel like they understood me. And I was still restless, still looking for a place to call home.
A lot of people can't be themselves around their family but I can. It's the one place I will belt out bad karaoke and dance like an idiot. It's where I know I can argue with someone and they will love me all the same when it is over.
When Kyle and I were developing our relationship he thought it was important to meet my family before we started officially dating. I wanted him to ask my dad's permission to pursue me and he wanted to gain their approval right off the bat. He drove me home for Christmas and it was over that trip that things really progressed. I'm not even sure we were officially an item when I knew we were going to get married some day. I wasn't even in love with him yet but having him around felt like home. I didn't want to keep moving on and looking for something new. I knew that I could be me around him and I knew without a doubt that he would love me for it. I could see our relationship playing out. I knew that we would date, fall in love, get engaged, get married, have children, and grow old together.
They say once you find "the one" you know. I'd been in love before but it had never been right. My insecurities, the little parts of me that I disliked, were always being hidden. I thought that if I revealed those parts of me that it would all go away. And it always did because it was never right. That wasn't the case with Kyle. It was those very parts of me that he loved the most. The quirks and nuances that made me me were what he cherished the most. He found me captivating and I felt secure in a way I never had before.
It was because of that sureness that I was able to get married at the very young age of twenty-one without a doubt in my head. I believe that when you discover the Lord's will for your life you will be filled with peace. That is what I found when I found Kyle.
I am created for God and Kyle represents Christ to me, so it makes sense that I am home with him. He loves me, sinner that I am, and he sees all of the beautiful things about me even when I can't. It's why I trusted him enough to promise to honor and obey, because I know that he will never take advantage of that promise. He will lay down his life for me. It's that beautiful balance that Christ has with his Church that we can be blessed enough to emulate for the world.
I spent so long wondering why I felt like I never fit it. It's like this pair of shoes I bought and kept exchanging them for different sizes. I couldn't understand why none of the sizes were working. Then I bought another pair of heels, a different design, and right away I could tell that the problem with the other pair wasn't the sizes I bought. It was that those shoes just weren't designed for my feet. This new pair was perfect. Being with Kyle was like slipping on that perfect pair of heels. It just fit right away and I was able to know that because of all the stuff that hadn't.
God blessed the broken road indeed...