Saturday, November 19, 2011

Criminal Profiling... FOR KIDS!!!

Well, as you can probably tell by my latest blog posts my go-to show for after the babies go to bed is Criminal Minds. Well, that show has been educational for me as a parent. As you may remember from my post about 24... I learn a lot about parenting from shows

You see, I have two kids now. It's true, that's not a lot of people to keep track of but sometimes I leave them in the playroom for a minute or two to heat dinner or empty the dishwasher and THAT is when the crimes take place. When I come back and crayon is all over the wall, the juice cup has been dumped on the futon, or the book shelf has been emptied all over the floor... I need to figure out who the culprit is.

For this purpose I have studied the shows use of facts they gather from the crime scene and victims to give myself an accurate profile for who committed the crime.

Take the case of the crayon on the wall, I wrote about that a couple of weeks ago. After evaluating the crime scene I came up with the following Criminal Profile:

"The unsub is between 2 and 3 years old and under 3 feet tall. She is probably left handed because the crayon marks didn't reach above the toy box on the right side of the wall. She loves coloring but feels confined by paper. Therefore she is taking our her artistic desires on walls. She probably has a few priors for coloring... on toys, dolls, or other small objects. Now her compulsion to color has gotten out of hand."

Now, with that profile I was able to determine that the only child who could fit the profile was Madeleine. I made the arrest and she was sentenced to two minutes of time out. FBI has nothing on me.

In other cases the profile may vary. Take the case of the empty tupperware cabinet:

"The unsub is probably no more than one year old. She has a need to remove everything she sees from it's proper place. Her house growing up probably had many safety latches on the cabinets and breakable objects places up high to prevent her compulsion. However, when someone forgets to relock the cabinet her compulsion cannot be controlled. When she sees an unlock cabinet she will immediately crawl or walk to it and remove everything from it, leaving most of it on the floor. She takes a trophy with her after her crime. If you find her she may be wearing a tupperware on her head or using it to make banging noises on the wood floor."

Well... after that profile I was able to determine with absolute certainty the unsub was indeed my Juliette. She had her trophy taken from her and the cabinet cleaned up and relocked.

The strangest cases are those where the unsub is neither Juliette or Madeleine. I give you the case of the dishes that were not done all weekend:

"The unsub is a male in his late 20s. He is married with kids. He is someone who probably enjoys eating but not putting away dishes. This weekend he was probably left alone at his home and took full advantage of the lack of nagging wife to sit on the couch, eat, and watch sports. When he was finished eating he did not put his dishes away, didn't even bring them to the sink, he just left them on the couch or next to the computer. This shows some "lazy" characteristics. He probably feels like his wife unfairly forces him to clean up after himself and therefore in her absense uses this time to make a mess. When you find him he will probably make excuses at first but then look guilty, apologize, and will offer to put them away because he is a good husband."

You have no idea how many times I have solved that case in four years of marriage.

I hope that this gives you new tools to help solve crime in your homes too!


  1. Love reading your blog Sarah! Your two girls are absolutely beautiful!

    -Katie (Kurze) Ahlgren

  2. Thank you so much! I'm really glad you like it!