Before and After Kids- Part One

There are many things I never thought I would do before I had kids. Now that I have kids I like to look back and laugh at what a naive little thing I was. This is a series of before and after.

Before
"I will never call my kids perfect. I will acknowledge that they have faults and will not brag about how amazing they are to whoever I meet."

After
"My girls are perfect. Absolutely perfect. They are smart and pretty and sweet and loving and I'm pretty sure every other mother is jealous of my kids because they are so PERFECT. Here. Let me show you a picture of them and tell you a story of their poop to prove my point."

Before
"I will not give my children fast food. It is unhealthy and they deserve better."

After
"I know we have been grocery shopping for hours but we still have to hit Walmart and I am way to tired to cook anything. Here. Have some fries from McDonalds. That should keep us both happy"

Before
"They will not be sleeping in my bed. My bed is for sleeping and making babies. Not sleeping babies."

After
"It's three in the morning. Just bring them both in here. If I don't get sleep I will cry and die. Put Madeleine in the middle and just attach Juliette to her milk maid and we will all get some sleep together. Nice family bed."

Before
"They will not watch Elmo. Elmo annoys me."

After
"Elmo is a wonderful friend to us all. You should be Elmo for Halloween."

Before
"I will space all my children years apart. I wouldn't be able to handle my kids too close together."

After
"If it's only been three months than WHY do I have to beat my uterus into submission? Doesn't it know that my cycle hasn't even returned yet? Why are babies so addictingly cute and why is Juliette getting so darn big?"

Before
"My profile picture on facebook will be of me and not my children."

After
"I can't even remember the last time I had a picture of myself taken let alone put on facebook."

Before
"I will not talk about my child's bowl movements at dinner."

After
"Did you know I can tell which kid has pooped simply by the smell?"

Before
If my kids cry in a grocery store I will just leave. Abandon my cart and leave.

After
I have 100 dollars worth of groceries in this cart, no time to go back out, and nothing in the fridge at home. If anyone gives me a dirty look because of my child crying I will purposefully run over their toes, back up, and then do it again.