Things I wish I could say when

I'm really cranky today so this is the beginning to a long list of things I wish I could respond to people when they ask me really obnoxious questions.

Marriage

Why I got married so young?
Because we were "waiting" for marriage and didn't want to "wait" too long

Why didn't we just live together first?
Because statistically speaking, living together increases your chance of divorce by 50 percent and we didn't like those odds.

Do I feel like I am missing out on anything by being a young wife and mother?
What? Getting drunk and having no memories of doing it? Trotting along trying to find "the one" when along I had found him in college and had lost him because I decided it was too young to get married. No, if I had not gotten married I would have missed out on the love of my life and my two sweet girls. That would be way worse than any vacation, pay increase, or party.

Pregnancy

Were you trying?
Well, after watching a lot of CSI I have decided to categorize pregnancy in degrees, like how they categorize murders. After all, deciding to have another baby is kind of like stabbing mother earth in the chest.
Pregnancy is the first degree is one you've tried for. Pregnancy in the second degree is a result of an act of passion that was not previously planned upon. Pregnancy in the third degree is what happens when I'm just super duper fertile and I end up pregnant from just ironing Kyle's pants. I'll let you guess which degree the baby is.

You know what causes that, right?
Crap! I knew Kyle and I were hugging wrong.

Why don't you just use birth control?
Because not only is it against my faith but it's also against my ideas of self preservation. I really don't want to take anything that will increase my likelihood of cancer or whatever bad side effect would come from my using it. NFP is the green way of avoiding pregnancy.

How are you feeling?
Like crap. But I'm not going to complain because I know how many women would do anything to be pregnant. It would be an insult to them to do anything else except say "praise God" for anything pregnancy brings me.

You must be having a ..... because ........
Wrong. You are so wrong. It's a girl.

Can I touch your belly?
No. Now go bring me a sandwich.

You look huge! You must be due soon!
No. I have three months to go. Now run fast or I will use my gigantic belly as a weapon against you.

Are you sure there is just one baby in there?
You know what? I'm not even going to respond to that question. I'm just going to slap you.

Are you going naturally?
No. Because I feel no need to put myself through that for bragging rights. That may not be why you do it, but it is the only reason I could think of for me to do it. You do your own thing and more power to you if you do it without drugs. But I love my epidurals. And until my babies don't have perfect APGAR scores you have no right to judge how I give birth. I'll be well rested and glowing in my afterbirth pictures. I offered up sufferings for nine months. This day is going to be about pure joy instead.

After Birth

Are you done now?
It's up to God. But if you can get it in writing from him that I should only have two kids then I'll have a conversation with you about this. Until then, it's only a discussion between myself, my husband, and the Big Guy upstairs.... and sometimes my mother.

Are you going to go on birth control now?
No. Please stop asking. It's super uncomfortable to discuss this with people.

So... you are just staying at home.
Yup. I'm hoping that being home with my kids all day will make me reaaal dumb and out of touch with society so I eventually resent them. It can't possibly be that I enjoy being with my babies all day every day.

You don't want to end up with like SIX KIDS right?
Actually, that's exactly what I want. In fact, I'd be completely overjoyed with six. Or more. But I must be a crazy lady who thinks Adam and Eve rode around on dinosaurs or something to want that many kids.

You must get bored at home all day
I just laughed so hard I think I peed a little.