Bygones

Well... I'm alive!!!

I realize that I haven't written since before my surgery so some people may have assumed that I died... or something. Really though laziness, my own mental sanity, and Ally McBeal reruns have taken precedence over blogging lately. Mentally and emotionally I have had a lot to sift through and it's hard to get back into the pattern of something like "blogging" when you've taken a lot of time off.

The surgery went very well and I healed really quickly. I mean seriously, I was at the park with the kids a week later. Heck the next day I was at Starbucks. Of course, that doesn't say much because not many things could keep me and caffeine apart for more than 24 hours. Bygones.

Anywho, I'm starting to get back into the grove of life. It's been crazy here. I'm starting "home school" preschool with Madeleine, ballet begins Saturday, cleaning out the basement, giving old clothes to charity when Kyle isn't around to hoard, mom's groups, play groups, my 27th birthday, Kyle's 30th (I call him my Woody Allen), Juliette's second birthday, a wedding in November, a godmother two weeks later, Kyle applying for jobs in other cities before the company is bought, Kyle working tons of overtime, fretting about the election, fretting about fertility, trying to be somewhat domestic and decorate for the seasons and holidays, trying to convince Kyle I need new boots... LIFE. Whew. Exhausted.

Most of the time it's really good. Kyle has had to work 10-20 hours of overtime a week lately. I've been really missing him. With his company being bought by Southwest this is a very crazy time for him. I do my best to be the supportive wife; keeping the right beer in stock, looking pretty, making food, keeping the kids alive and happy, constantly thanking him for his sheer amazingness, and restarting the blog. It was his request that I get back into it. Despite listening to me talk all day he still wants to hear what I have to say. Especially because apparently my musings are more entertaining to him when written down. I tend to think that is partly because he tends to space out when I'm talking. Bygones.

The little ones are as adorable as ever. I wish I could copy and paste a lot of my facebook statuses into the blog. They are constantly amazing to me. Madeleine spent a lot of time playing "doctor" when I got back from surgery. She would life up my shirt and examine my incisions and ask me how I was feeling and if I was getting better. She had a hard time with the fact that I wasn't allowed to life her. Finally, one day, I got the go-ahead from my doctor to pick up my children. I immediately went over to her and scooped her up. She glowed, smiling and burying her head into my shoulder. She met my eyes and said, "Your boo-boo is all better? You can pick me up now?" I told her, "Yes." For the next few days she had me carry her everywhere. Even when going from the bathroom to the playroom she wanted me to carry her just because she had missed the feeling of being held by her mommy.

Juliette, on the other hand, was so excited to see me when I came home from the hospital that she immediately crawled up onto me, wrapped her arms around my next, kissed me, and kneed me in the incision. I didn't care. Nothing was more painful that being away from them.

The whole summer was hard, not being able to take them to the park or the zoo or museaums without Kyle to help because I was in too much pain. Now it's the little joys. Being able to strap them into the minivan and just go, knowing that I am able to take care of my kids away from the comfort of my home and my couch.

They are growing up way too fast these days. Preschool age? Almost two? My poor heart can barely comprehend it. There is just so much to do. They have so much they want to share with me and show me and so much they want to do with me. Even when it is just sitting as they perform a dance or play tea party or make up some ridiculous story. I can give them my attention now. I don't have pain constantly there, a distraction and hinderance.

Now the only thing holding me back are the dreams I haven't been able to realize. I can't move forward without giving them to God. Not giving up on them, just giving them to Someone who knows my heart a lot better than I do. Life doesn't always go the way you want it to go. My life is pretty amazing. If it were up to me I wouldn't have health problems... God is teaching me to suffer well. If it were up to me I'd be pregnant by now... God is teaching me about patience and trust. It doesn't always make sense to me and it doesn't always click... but it's Truth. God knows best. God loves me. God's plan is perfect. And if everyone gets sick of listening to my struggles, He never does.

I'm going to Carpe Diem for a bit because life is a lot better than it was four short weeks ago. My kids are beautiful and they make me laugh and they will only be this age for so long. And I know being in the moment is exhausting but I have spent too much time worrying about the future. That is far more exhausting to me.