7 Quick Takes- The one where I make some nerdy Star Wars references

7. It was eighty degrees yesterday so we ventured to the park again. Last summer Juliette was still too little to do a lot of exploring on her own. This is no longer the case. She kept running away from me, chasing a little boy, climbing the slides, and bouncing on the seesaw. Let's just say that I definitely got a work out.

Running away. Saw a lot of her cute little rear that day.

Confined to one place. A peaceful two minutes!

6. The weening process is going so smoothly this week. It's been almost a week since she nursed and she can now cuddle me without pawing at my chest... if only she could teach her father that trick. When she does come up to me looking to nurse I just say, "These are not the boobs you are looking for." and she walks away. I may be a jedi. I was sad for a few days but now I am just so happy with the decision we made to do this. Not only am I feeling healthier but she is sleeping through the night for the first time in her 16 month old existence and taking naps. It's a beautiful thing folks.

5. It deeply disturbs me to realize that I have favorite episodes of Barney now. It disturbs me on a whole new level when I am upset if the girls to pick an episode that I like. Really though as long as the episode they pick doesn't have "Riff" in it then I am game. I have very dark feelings towards that particular dinosaur

Exhausted and snuggling to a Barney episode after the park. Such sweet sisters!

4. Remember the days when I was concerned that Madeleine never talked. Welllll now she never really stops. Ever. The kids says the strangest things too. We call them "Madeleisms". Here are a few.

"I went poop in the corner on the floor and daddy had to wipe it up and he was very cranky"
...She tells this story about the time she got "sick" in the corner of the house to anyone who will listen. It's pretty much her favorite.

"Look mommy! Baby is a horse and I am riding her."
...She exclaimed this as she chased her crying sister around the house trying to climb onto her back.

"It's Madeleine and her friends!"- Momma Behr (singing along to the tune of the Thomas theme)
"Mom. I am not Thomas. And I am NOT Percy."- Madeleine
...I stand corrected

"Do you want to listen to Raffi?"- Momma Behr (we like to listen to music while we play)
"No mom. I want Taylor Swift 'Sparks Fly'". - Madeleine
...She knows at least half the lyrics.

3. The potty training is going... slowly. I think the kid only goes on the potty when she has a chocolate craving because she knows she will get a chocolate cookies. Whatever. I'm not in a huge rush.

Now Madeleine this is something you CAN actually ride.

2. Cutest thing ever. Juliette makes a lot of trouble, totally that kind of one year old. Except now whenever she knocks something over she looks up at me, absolutely beaming, and says, "Uh oh!" in the tiniest, cutest voice ever. It's like she knows that if she reaches a certain degree of cuteness that I just melt. The force is strong in that one.

"Uh oh!" She helped daddy do the dishes.

1. Madeleine was given a crucifix necklace as a gift from her auntie that she loves to show to absolutely anyone who will listen. She says, "Look! It's Jesus on the cross!" and then she gives him a kiss. Her devotion to the crucified Christ is absolutely adorable (and very Lent appropriate). She found a big wall crucifix that she insisted on taking with her as we ran errands so she could "hug and kiss Jesus on the cross". I could hear her in the car seat as I drove going, "I love you Jesus! BIG HUG! BIG KISS!" What do you think? Future nun?

Well that's it for this Friday. For more quick takes go to www.conversationdiary.com!

Just keep swimming

I often get asked the question, "So are you JUST a stay at home mom right now?" Sometimes that question is followed up by support and well wishes... sometimes I get a really super cool, "Oh I would never be able to do that. I need to be able to use my brain." Or something like that.

Okay people, stay at home moms are not some lesser form of mother. True, sometimes I don't know what day of the week it is and I often cannot form complete sentences... but those are from sleep deprivation. Not a lowering of brain cells. I read, I write, I travel, I calculate the tip when we go out to eat, I keep a budget, I pay bills, I explore the outdoors, I socialize, I MULTIFIRCKINTASK like it's nobody's business, I teach... in fact I use my degree quite often when I teach my children about God.

There are crazy judgements going both ways, I know that some people give working moms a hard time and SHAME on them for doing that. I have nothing but respect for working moms. Not all moms are called to do things the same way.

But, to provide a little insight into why I want to be at home...

When I was growing up all I wanted to be (once I got over the whole dolphin trainer thing) was a mommy. I know it may be politically incorrect or whatever but there has never really been anything else that I have deeply desired to do with my life. (I say "anything else", like it isn't enough, a little tongue and cheek because I believe motherhood is one of the most important jobs in the world).

When I went to college I obviously went with a thirst for knowledge and the desire for a great education (and with my Theology and Catechetics degrees, a desire for a deeper understanding of God) but I always had a hard time picturing myself in a career. It's not because I'm not "independent" or because I wanted someone else to support me so I could stay home. It's because my desired "career path" came with no pay check and honestly required no degree at all. I knew that there was an array of jobs I would be very happy doing but I am very joyful that I was called to my vocation as young as I was.

It's a common topic among Catholic (and I assume all) moms, whether at not staying at home is "fulfilling".

It may be my experience working while Madeleine was a newborn, but I spent those six months desiring nothing more than to just be able to devote myself fully to my baby. I had a wonderful job in the Church and a beautiful little daughter but I felt so torn and lost. Actually, now that I think about it, it may be that desire to give myself fully combined with my ridiculous ADD that makes me know that I'm not really cut out to be a working mom.

And it's not that I think that working moms can't give themselves fully to their jobs and to their families. Many working moms pull it off with grace. I, however, am not that talented.

So really, to the point of all of this, I love being a stay at home mother. It is my heart's desire. I am blessed to have a husband who supports and cherishes my role in the home. I am also blessed that our finances allow him to be the sole bread winner.

There are a lot of times when I feel burnt out by it all. Being a mother isn't the easiest job in the world. It requires you to be on call and alert at all times. And once again, I only have two kids who aren't even school age yet!

Some days I feel empowered. I feel like the most wonderful mommy in the world. Madeleine is counting and showing me how she knows her shapes, Juliette is happy and playing with her sister, we all get to bathe, I cook an amazing meal, the dishes are done, and I just feel super.

Other days my mantra is "just stay alive". I plop the kids in front of Barney for 20 minutes with the intent of being productive but instead end up staring blankly at facebook. My hair is everywhere, I don't get out of my sweats, Juliette is eating the crayons, Madeleine is screaming about cookies, it's frozen pizza for dinner, and a tall glass of something with alcohol before bed (for me, not the kids), and my prayer time is something like, "Dear Lord what am I doing?". Most days its something in between those two, leaning towards the former.

Honestly, sometimes it is hard. As a mom I get almost no time to myself, someone always wants a piece of me, my body has been run ragged. I remember the days before kids when I went to the store by myself, heck when I went to the bathroom by myself, and the reason I didn't wear bikinis was modesty... not crazy stretch marks. Every day, in sickness and in health, I drag myself out of bed and give myself to my kids. They don't have a snooze button, they've gotten pretty used to being fed on a daily basis, and they don't prioritize doing the dishes over playing house. They are 2 and 1. They are sweet, loving, well behaved, and adorable little girls but they are a handful.

And yet I knew about all this getting into it. I watched my mom sacrifice for us growing up. We had the nicer clothes, the better technology. The money went to our hobbies and the house was always filled with our favorite snacks. My mom is a heroic example of sacrifice. But it goes beyond that, down to the heart of the vocation.

Motherhood, no matter if the mother is at home or working, is a vocation that allows us to unite ourselves with Christ by giving up our own bodies out of love for our children, as He gave His Body up for us. No, there is no way we can ever measure up to the sacrifices He made for us but we can unite what little we have to offer to Him. We can be whipped by our exhaustion or our morning sickness, crowned by the thorns of judgements of others who don't understand us (pro-life, NFP, large families), made to carry the cross of our own human flawed human nature, and, if we are really good, we can chose to die to ourselves every day. Nursing mom give their bodies as food to their newborns. Like Mary, we suffer the pains of our children with them. The daily sacrifices we make allow us to decrease so Christ can increase in us.

Most days I don't get it right, my selfishness wins out at some point or another. Still, every day by the grace of God, I grow to love my children more and that gives me the drive to try again. I don't want to be a stay at home mother because it is easy, because it is not, but because it is so rewarding to know that in some way I can experience the love Christ has for me in loving my children.

I wrote a while back about how my vocation as a wife leads me closer to God, this is about my vocation as a mother.

Honestly, most of the time I'm not sure what the word "fulfilled" even means. I used to judge God's will in my life but what made me the happiest. I began to realize that most of the time it meant I was ignoring God's true call for me and doing something "fun". I don't always enjoy hard work and motherhood definitely qualifies as such.

Now I try to find God's will by searching for peace. Even on the hardest days I have peace in my call. I don't think that this is right for every mom but for now at least, it is where my Shepherd leads me.

So maybe in the future I'll put my degrees to good use, maybe even get my masters. For now I am more fulfilled than I ever have been. Tired... but fulfilled.

Picking up my cross

I am so thankful for my doctors up here in Massachusetts. Since I almost died from an ectopic pregnancy about a week before we left Texas I was a bit scared of finding a doctor I could trust. Per the advice of many solid people I found a strong Catholic doctor who is well versed in the Creighton Method of Natural Family Planning, completely pro-life and anti-contraception with a sizable Catholic brood of his own. He is amazing. I was so scared of not being able to have kids after I lost one of my tubes and he helped me find specialists who could determine the underlying causes to my ectopic pregnancy and if I could achieve more pregnancies without risking losing my other tube or if I would need surgery.

After many sessions with him, lots of blood draws, and much more confidence than I had before I had met him I became pregnant with Madeleine. He was too far away to deliver my baby but I saw him through the first trimester. He did weekly blood draws to make sure my HCG levels were doubling properly before they could make certain that the baby was in my uterus by ultrasound. He got me on progesterone because of my extremely low levels and my family history of miscarriages due to low progesterone levels. Even after I migrated to my new (and also fabulous) doctor for my second and third trimesters he kept up with me to make sure I was doing well.

I had an appointment with him today as has become customary after I start to get my cycle back (over share, I know) after I give birth. They monitor my hormone levels to make sure that they don't detect any signs that there could be any problems with my remaining tube. Praise God, so far everything has been perfect.

We talked for a while about the gift that Natural Family Planning is. He gave an amazing analogy that I just wanted to share. When you achieve a pregnancy while doing Natural Family Planning you are aware of your fertility and therefore able to make a decision to receive a new life inside of you. It is like when you go to receive the Eucharist, you walk to the priest or Extraordinary Minister with the intent to receive Jesus inside of you and you are able to prepare yourself. When you use Natural Family Planning you are aware of the holiness of the act of creating a child with your spouse and you are able to prepare yourself for that new life. He said when you don't use Natural Family Planning and you aren't aware of your fertility it's like receiving the Eucharist in your sandwich. All of the holiness and grace are still there but you aren't aware and so you cannot prepare yourself as fully to receive it. It is such a gift to be aware that you may have just made a child and to reflect on that and it is a blessing to make the decision, "Yes, I want to bear new life." A child is always unequivocally a GIFT and a BLESSING but why would you not want to understand your fertility, embrace it, and know and receive the blessings of that gift right from the moment of conception?

We also talked about having large families. He says that he gets frustrated when the mother of many kids complains about hardships and people say to her, "Well maybe you shouldn't have had so many kids." Someone could be stuck in traffic and complaining about that but you wouldn't tell them, "Well maybe you shouldn't have a car." Sometimes mothers get "stuck in traffic" so to speak and struggle but that does not mean that they shouldn't have had their kids. The overall blessings from their child outweigh any hardships greatly. In fact, I would say that the hardships and challenges are what purify us and make marriage and motherhood a vocation that increases holiness.

Back in the day at Franciscan people would talk about "paths". Obviously your vocation is your path to God. Most of the time when I think about paths in a spiritual context I think back to the road Christ had to travel to the cross. That journey was His purpose and he bore His cross along it because of His intense love for the people we would die for.

I relate that to vocations. Until I found Kyle most of the time I found my "path" to be a rather easy one. I felt like I could carry my cross with no issues and was dancing along to God. It wasn't until I loved Kyle that I began to feel the weight of the cross I was carrying, my sinfulness. I could feel how my sins weighed down on me because now that we were one they were also placed on his shoulders. I could clearly see the effects of my sinfulness on him. If I was selfish, it hurt Kyle. If I was vein, it hurt Kyle. That clarity allowed me to see how I also hurt so many other people around me. Suddenly my cross felt more weighty. At the same time however I found new strength to carry it because I had found something I would die for. I'm not really talking about actual martyrdom because that seems like a no-brainer, dying for my faith, but someone I was willing to die to myself for.

Each day in marriage is a day to carry the cross of sin, of illness, and then to die to yourself for the ones you love. I imagine it is the same for a priest, wanting to carry your cross out of love for the Church, the bride of the priest, and being willing to die to yourself for Her. When I became a mother this conviction was taken to an even more intense level. My sins are weighted down on my daughters as well. I don't think that Jesus says His yoke is easy and His burden is light because the struggles you face as a Christian are negligible. I believe He says it because He gives you the ability to truly LOVE and that love gives you the strength to carry your cross. Ultimately in order to love someone you have to be willing to die to yourself.

I don't want to ever look at motherhood or being a wife and say, "I have no time for myself. I can't afford XYZ." There are times when I struggle with those things but if I ever complain I'll tell you now, I'm glad I have the car even though I am stuck in traffic.

Tonight it is two in the morning but I am not asleep. Juliette is having one of those nights where she thinks bed time is nap time and wakes up at 11 refreshed and ready to go. Which, of course, is always fun.

Tonight after she had been put down on the floor to burn off energy she took off for the clean laundry basket, put my underwear around her neck, and walked off screaming for "Na" which is what she calls Madeleine. Sometimes it's "Nani" but usually it's "Na".

So she eventually realized that "Na" was not in the living room or the play room or the kitchen so she beat down the door to the nursery and made her way to Madeleine's crib in the dark as she called out for her. I scooped her up and removed her before she could wake her sister, she cried, and I told her she would just have to settle for playtime with momma.

She fell asleep again just a little while ago and while I am exhausted I wouldn't a trade single smile. Motherhood can be hard, and I'll stumble and fall far more than the three times Christ did, but it itself cannot ever be a cross. It's what I carry my cross for.

The gift of fertility

Every single cycle it's the same thing. The fear of another ectopic pregnancy, the fear of losing my fertility and never being able to have kids again hits me like a brick wall, a punch to the gut, and it knocks the wind out of me. I become paralyzed by fear and overwhelmed by my lack of control.

I can't even talk. All I can do is say, "Jesus." over and over and over again. He knows what I need.

Women, please cherish and respect you fertility. It is such a precious gift.

On quiet nights

It's been a long time since I mourned the loss of my first pregnancy. For some reason, tonight I am mourning. I wouldn't let myself since I have two beautiful babies now. I wouldn't have Madeleine if things didn't go the way they did. But my heart aches when I think of the baby we lost.

It's common, most people go through it. My mom went through it four times, all relatively late in the pregnancy. I lost my baby early on and I lost my fallopian tube too. Half of my fertility. People like to ask questions, make comments about how I can get pregnant with only one tube. They have no idea how scared I was before I had Madeleine. That I would never hold a baby of my own. I thought it would go away after I had Madeleine, that fear of not being able to get pregnant, but both times after I have given birth it comes back. What if it happens again?

It pushes me to get pregnant. It allows me to realize that our fertility is a gift and I should cherish it while I have it because I don't know what the future holds.

I am luckier than so many people. I have two beautiful daughters. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting more, like God hasn't blessed me enough. He has blessed me more than I could have ever imagined. I want more children because they fill our house with love and laughter. They make me a better person, they bring me closer to God.

I want more children for my daughters. I want them to have siblings, best friends, people they can count on in life to always be there no matter what. I want them to learn selflessness from loving their siblings so they can be prepared for their future vocations. I want them to learn that God first and then family are the priorities. Not money or cars or stuff. They can learn that from a house full of siblings.

I want more children because they strengthen my marriage. They bring my husband and I closer to the Lord and closer to each other. They fulfill the vows we said to each other. I want more children because of what they do to my husband. Because of the man they make him.

I want more children for God. More eternal souls to worship and adore Him. More people to be a light in a dark world. More people to love the poorest of the poor.

Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting more children when God has given me more than I ever imagined so it helps to remember why I am called to be a mother. In order to be a mother you can never be selfish. The vocation demands dying to yourself on a daily basis.

I am twenty-five and I have two children. I could, possibly, have three before I even turn twenty-seven. That makes people uncomfortable, even the best Catholics seem to ask me why. Worry about it being too much. God will never give me more than I can handle. If I have another child, it is because God knows me better than I know myself and He knows I can handle it. I pray that He blesses me with many more in His perfect timing.

For now my job is to enjoy my daughters, to love and teach them and to not focus too much on what the future may hold. Tonight everyone is asleep and so I'm going to quietly allow myself to mourn for the baby we lost for the first time in a long time. Then I'll probably sneak into the room where Madeleine and Juliette sleep just to look at them and remind myself why my sorrow has been turned into dancing.

Still, I am glad we have a little saint in heaven interceding for us. I remember praying to him right when I got pregnant with Madeleine so I know he is interceding before God for me and for our family. And I'll get to meet him someday. That fills me with joy as well.

Little David Behrend, pray for us.

A Little Way and a long way to go

I've spent a lot of time dwelling on St. Therese lately because I have realized how much she has to teach me. Since becoming a mother my desire for holiness had multiplied time and time again and yet my prayer life has been almost completely shot. I am unable to take both kids to daily mass because of Kyle's schedule and the fact that, I humbly admit, I am completely unable to go to mass with both of them on my own. Most days I barely find time to eat or shower. This is why I turn to Saint Therese.

Saint Therese offered up each moment of her life as an offering to God. She looked at every second of every day as an opportunity to grow in holiness and when those moments slipped by, she was heartbroken. Even the simplest of acts was turned into a prayer. While we live very different lives, her as a cloistered Carmelite and myself as a stay-at-home mother, I feel as though this is the exact type of prayer life that would suit my vocation and allow me the chance to grow in holiness.

First of all, I tend to avoid small tasks that are displeasing to me. For instance, today I was at my sister's tennis game and had just sat down with Juliette on my lap to watch the match when my other sister came up to me asking me to go with her to the bathroom. I wanted to say no so badly. I was tired and my legs were sore from the walk I had taken earlier but I remembered Saint Therese saying, "But why be foolish enough to refuse treasures offered so generously?" Those treasures she spoke of were the small opportunities for holiness that people usually pass by or don't even notice. With that in mind I decided to go to the bathroom with her.

Another thing I can learn from Saint Therese is her desire to be small and hidden in Christ. So often I want people to notice me, especially the good things about me. It's even better if they praise me for those things. First of all, I shouldn't desire the praise of anyone besides the Lord and also my husband and kids who are Christ to me on this earth. Any good thing in me, if I look beautiful or tell a good joke or make an intelligent remark, it is all because of the Lord. Instead of wanting people to see me when those things happen I should want them to see through me to Christ in me who is making them happen. The whole of my existence is to love and serve the Lord and in serving the Lord I should be pointing people to Him and not to myself. If someone can look at me and see Christ than I am doing my job. If they see Sarah than I am failing.

The last thing I have been really meditating on about Saint Therese's Little Way is her joy in suffering. While I have no great crosses I have a lot of little ones. It can be tempting to use them to get attention or to just look at them as a burden rather than a blessing. Saint Therese knew that without a cross there was no resurrection and so she embraced and loved her cross until should could "no longer suffer because all suffering is sweet." I have been blessed with so many things, so much more than most people, and it blows my mind every time I think about just how much I have. This just means I really need to embrace my small crosses even more so I can be assured of a resurrection one day for myself.

Reading the writings of Saint Therese reminds me of just how far I have to go but I feel comforted because she gives me little ways to grow closer to Christ that can fit in with my own vocation as a mother. I can offer up my life as a prayer, I can let Christ shine through me instead of desiring to shine on my own, and I can embrace my small crosses. It is a lot more difficult than it sounds but luckily I have and amazing husband to call me on.