Every single cycle it's the same thing. The fear of another ectopic pregnancy, the fear of losing my fertility and never being able to have kids again hits me like a brick wall, a punch to the gut, and it knocks the wind out of me. I become paralyzed by fear and overwhelmed by my lack of control.
I can't even talk. All I can do is say, "Jesus." over and over and over again. He knows what I need.
Women, please cherish and respect you fertility. It is such a precious gift.
Showing posts with label pro-life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pro-life. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Things I wish I could say when
I'm really cranky today so this is the beginning to a long list of things I wish I could respond to people when they ask me really obnoxious questions.
Marriage
Why I got married so young?
Because we were "waiting" for marriage and didn't want to "wait" too long
Why didn't we just live together first?
Because statistically speaking, living together increases your chance of divorce by 50 percent and we didn't like those odds.
Do I feel like I am missing out on anything by being a young wife and mother?
What? Getting drunk and having no memories of doing it? Trotting along trying to find "the one" when along I had found him in college and had lost him because I decided it was too young to get married. No, if I had not gotten married I would have missed out on the love of my life and my two sweet girls. That would be way worse than any vacation, pay increase, or party.
Pregnancy
Were you trying?
Well, after watching a lot of CSI I have decided to categorize pregnancy in degrees, like how they categorize murders. After all, deciding to have another baby is kind of like stabbing mother earth in the chest.
Pregnancy is the first degree is one you've tried for. Pregnancy in the second degree is a result of an act of passion that was not previously planned upon. Pregnancy in the third degree is what happens when I'm just super duper fertile and I end up pregnant from just ironing Kyle's pants. I'll let you guess which degree the baby is.
You know what causes that, right?
Crap! I knew Kyle and I were hugging wrong.
Why don't you just use birth control?
Because not only is it against my faith but it's also against my ideas of self preservation. I really don't want to take anything that will increase my likelihood of cancer or whatever bad side effect would come from my using it. NFP is the green way of avoiding pregnancy.
How are you feeling?
Like crap. But I'm not going to complain because I know how many women would do anything to be pregnant. It would be an insult to them to do anything else except say "praise God" for anything pregnancy brings me.
You must be having a ..... because ........
Wrong. You are so wrong. It's a girl.
Can I touch your belly?
No. Now go bring me a sandwich.
You look huge! You must be due soon!
No. I have three months to go. Now run fast or I will use my gigantic belly as a weapon against you.
Are you sure there is just one baby in there?
You know what? I'm not even going to respond to that question. I'm just going to slap you.
Are you going naturally?
No. Because I feel no need to put myself through that for bragging rights. That may not be why you do it, but it is the only reason I could think of for me to do it. You do your own thing and more power to you if you do it without drugs. But I love my epidurals. And until my babies don't have perfect APGAR scores you have no right to judge how I give birth. I'll be well rested and glowing in my afterbirth pictures. I offered up sufferings for nine months. This day is going to be about pure joy instead.
After Birth
Are you done now?
It's up to God. But if you can get it in writing from him that I should only have two kids then I'll have a conversation with you about this. Until then, it's only a discussion between myself, my husband, and the Big Guy upstairs.... and sometimes my mother.
Are you going to go on birth control now?
No. Please stop asking. It's super uncomfortable to discuss this with people.
So... you are just staying at home.
Yup. I'm hoping that being home with my kids all day will make me reaaal dumb and out of touch with society so I eventually resent them. It can't possibly be that I enjoy being with my babies all day every day.
You don't want to end up with like SIX KIDS right?
Actually, that's exactly what I want. In fact, I'd be completely overjoyed with six. Or more. But I must be a crazy lady who thinks Adam and Eve rode around on dinosaurs or something to want that many kids.
You must get bored at home all day
I just laughed so hard I think I peed a little.
Marriage
Why I got married so young?
Because we were "waiting" for marriage and didn't want to "wait" too long
Why didn't we just live together first?
Because statistically speaking, living together increases your chance of divorce by 50 percent and we didn't like those odds.
Do I feel like I am missing out on anything by being a young wife and mother?
What? Getting drunk and having no memories of doing it? Trotting along trying to find "the one" when along I had found him in college and had lost him because I decided it was too young to get married. No, if I had not gotten married I would have missed out on the love of my life and my two sweet girls. That would be way worse than any vacation, pay increase, or party.
Pregnancy
Were you trying?
Well, after watching a lot of CSI I have decided to categorize pregnancy in degrees, like how they categorize murders. After all, deciding to have another baby is kind of like stabbing mother earth in the chest.
Pregnancy is the first degree is one you've tried for. Pregnancy in the second degree is a result of an act of passion that was not previously planned upon. Pregnancy in the third degree is what happens when I'm just super duper fertile and I end up pregnant from just ironing Kyle's pants. I'll let you guess which degree the baby is.
You know what causes that, right?
Crap! I knew Kyle and I were hugging wrong.
Why don't you just use birth control?
Because not only is it against my faith but it's also against my ideas of self preservation. I really don't want to take anything that will increase my likelihood of cancer or whatever bad side effect would come from my using it. NFP is the green way of avoiding pregnancy.
How are you feeling?
Like crap. But I'm not going to complain because I know how many women would do anything to be pregnant. It would be an insult to them to do anything else except say "praise God" for anything pregnancy brings me.
You must be having a ..... because ........
Wrong. You are so wrong. It's a girl.
Can I touch your belly?
No. Now go bring me a sandwich.
You look huge! You must be due soon!
No. I have three months to go. Now run fast or I will use my gigantic belly as a weapon against you.
Are you sure there is just one baby in there?
You know what? I'm not even going to respond to that question. I'm just going to slap you.
Are you going naturally?
No. Because I feel no need to put myself through that for bragging rights. That may not be why you do it, but it is the only reason I could think of for me to do it. You do your own thing and more power to you if you do it without drugs. But I love my epidurals. And until my babies don't have perfect APGAR scores you have no right to judge how I give birth. I'll be well rested and glowing in my afterbirth pictures. I offered up sufferings for nine months. This day is going to be about pure joy instead.
After Birth
Are you done now?
It's up to God. But if you can get it in writing from him that I should only have two kids then I'll have a conversation with you about this. Until then, it's only a discussion between myself, my husband, and the Big Guy upstairs.... and sometimes my mother.
Are you going to go on birth control now?
No. Please stop asking. It's super uncomfortable to discuss this with people.
So... you are just staying at home.
Yup. I'm hoping that being home with my kids all day will make me reaaal dumb and out of touch with society so I eventually resent them. It can't possibly be that I enjoy being with my babies all day every day.
You don't want to end up with like SIX KIDS right?
Actually, that's exactly what I want. In fact, I'd be completely overjoyed with six. Or more. But I must be a crazy lady who thinks Adam and Eve rode around on dinosaurs or something to want that many kids.
You must get bored at home all day
I just laughed so hard I think I peed a little.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
NFP in real life
I struggle a lot with Natural Family Planning. Mostly because if situations were perfect I would live in a perpetual state of getting pregnant and popping out babies. I'm not really big on the pregnant part but I am HUGE on the baby part. I get the baby itch soon after they are born (well so far) and then Kyle and I take time to discern and pray before having another.
Right now we are trying to avoid but we spend a lot of time fearing pregnancy. Not because of how we would handle it (I don't want to toot my own horn but I am totally a natural at this whole "being a mom" thing and could easily handle another) but because of what people might think. Sure, we have some friends that wonder why we aren't pregnant again already, God bless them, but we know that there would be many others, family, friends, random people in the grocery store, that would completely disapprove.
We are not avoiding because of them. We are avoiding because of finances and because of my health. As far as the first goes, soon enough Kyle will be an employee of Southwest Airlines, his pay will go up, and we will be able to afford another. I mean, we cloth diaper so that wouldn't cost anything. We nurse, so no money for food. If it's a girl we'd have all the clothes we need and with a boy he would get more spoiled that an heir to the throne in Britain so that's a non issue as well. We have car seats, strollers, and cribs as well. We would need very little. The big issues for us are hospital bills, time off of work, etc. I'd also really like to wait until we wouldn't have three in college at one time.
My health is the real issue. I've had major issues with both of my last two pregnancies (and the ectopic before that as well) and so I need to be stronger so I can be a good mommy to both my babies on the outside and the one on the inside. Last time I barely had the strength to get off the couch many days and I when I get pregnant again I would like to be able to be the mommy they have now, just rounder.
I don't buy into waiting because it's better for my first two girls. They are each other's best friends and another baby would only add to their joy. If I want alone time with any of my kids, Kyle gladly babysits so I can have that special mommy and me time. I don't care about fancy vacations and having all sorts of "me time". That could never bring my husband and I more joy than another baby. Even Kyle, who was terrified of kids at first cannot wait until we feel ready to add to our family. Right now we avoid and take each month to pray and discern. We believe that by using Natural Family Planning we are allowing God to be the true head of our family and know what is best for us. If we get pregnant we pray that the people we know will be excited and supportive because as I said before, pregnancy is hard enough for me.
When I think of having a third child I don't really worry about many of the things I think most people do. What I do worry about is what it would be like to wait too long, to have another ectopic pregnancy, to increase my chance of miscarriage, and to live with the regret of not having been open to all God could have given to my family through another child. I think of the names we have picked out for our future babies, of the moment when I first see the face that goes with that name and hold my child for the first time. I think of all God could do through that child and how that child could be a light in a world that could use a lot more light. Nothing else seems important after that
Right now we are trying to avoid but we spend a lot of time fearing pregnancy. Not because of how we would handle it (I don't want to toot my own horn but I am totally a natural at this whole "being a mom" thing and could easily handle another) but because of what people might think. Sure, we have some friends that wonder why we aren't pregnant again already, God bless them, but we know that there would be many others, family, friends, random people in the grocery store, that would completely disapprove.
We are not avoiding because of them. We are avoiding because of finances and because of my health. As far as the first goes, soon enough Kyle will be an employee of Southwest Airlines, his pay will go up, and we will be able to afford another. I mean, we cloth diaper so that wouldn't cost anything. We nurse, so no money for food. If it's a girl we'd have all the clothes we need and with a boy he would get more spoiled that an heir to the throne in Britain so that's a non issue as well. We have car seats, strollers, and cribs as well. We would need very little. The big issues for us are hospital bills, time off of work, etc. I'd also really like to wait until we wouldn't have three in college at one time.
My health is the real issue. I've had major issues with both of my last two pregnancies (and the ectopic before that as well) and so I need to be stronger so I can be a good mommy to both my babies on the outside and the one on the inside. Last time I barely had the strength to get off the couch many days and I when I get pregnant again I would like to be able to be the mommy they have now, just rounder.
I don't buy into waiting because it's better for my first two girls. They are each other's best friends and another baby would only add to their joy. If I want alone time with any of my kids, Kyle gladly babysits so I can have that special mommy and me time. I don't care about fancy vacations and having all sorts of "me time". That could never bring my husband and I more joy than another baby. Even Kyle, who was terrified of kids at first cannot wait until we feel ready to add to our family. Right now we avoid and take each month to pray and discern. We believe that by using Natural Family Planning we are allowing God to be the true head of our family and know what is best for us. If we get pregnant we pray that the people we know will be excited and supportive because as I said before, pregnancy is hard enough for me.
When I think of having a third child I don't really worry about many of the things I think most people do. What I do worry about is what it would be like to wait too long, to have another ectopic pregnancy, to increase my chance of miscarriage, and to live with the regret of not having been open to all God could have given to my family through another child. I think of the names we have picked out for our future babies, of the moment when I first see the face that goes with that name and hold my child for the first time. I think of all God could do through that child and how that child could be a light in a world that could use a lot more light. Nothing else seems important after that
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Controversial or just Catholic
Sometimes I feel a litte bit alone in the world. Most of my decisions about life are controversial. Some of them because they go completely against the grain of what is considered "normal" such as getting married at 21, using Natural Family Planning instead of birth control, being pro-life, being pro-traditional marriage, planning on having many homeschooled babies, and really, basically being an orthodox Catholic. Other things are controversial because the people who disagree with me on them tend to be very opinionated. I vaccinate my children, I love me some epidural, I cloth diaper, I stay at home with my kids all day every day, I don't start potty training until my kids shows signs they are ready, and I let Madeleine watch TV for short periods before she was two. I'm not perfect and I don't pretend to be, but with all that controversy, with people coming at you from all sides telling you what you are doing as a mother/wife/woman etc is wrong, how do you develop convictions and hold to them without attacking others in the same breath?
I want to talk about the controversy caused by the first set of things I discussed, the things that go against the grain of society and not just my close set of friends. I don't believe in moral relativity. Not at all. I believe that when it comes to the important things (such as being pro-life, marriage being between a man and a woman, and not using contraception) there is a right and a wrong and I believe that through the teachings of the Catholic Church, it is very clear. I feel blessed to be brought up in a family that taught me right from wrong. I'm glad that they taught me that the right way isn't always the easy way but that the struggles and sacrifice are always worth it in the end. I know that I have to hold myself up to a higher standard than I do anyone else because I can't call anyone on when I know that I am falling in a similar area. But with moral relativity being so predominant in our culture it seems like there is never a good time to share your beliefs with others. It's considered rude. I don't like people coming up to me telling me what I am doing is wrong and yet I know that I am called to evangelize and many people see evangelization as just being nosy.
This is the conclusion I've come to. I have to let the wisdom of the Catholic Church and the Holy Spirit be my guide and I have to live my life as the best example I can because when worldly ways fail someone they are going to be searching for another way and I want to be a light to show them the path to Christ. I want our family to be a beacon of what the Church is all about and our joy and peace to speak for me. I'll always be willing to give my witness in words... I was in fact a catechetics major, but unless I live a good ife it really won't do any good. So I'm going to be the best Catholic I can be, raise my lovely babies to do the same, and just pray that God will use our example to touch just one person. That would be so wonderful.
I want to talk about the controversy caused by the first set of things I discussed, the things that go against the grain of society and not just my close set of friends. I don't believe in moral relativity. Not at all. I believe that when it comes to the important things (such as being pro-life, marriage being between a man and a woman, and not using contraception) there is a right and a wrong and I believe that through the teachings of the Catholic Church, it is very clear. I feel blessed to be brought up in a family that taught me right from wrong. I'm glad that they taught me that the right way isn't always the easy way but that the struggles and sacrifice are always worth it in the end. I know that I have to hold myself up to a higher standard than I do anyone else because I can't call anyone on when I know that I am falling in a similar area. But with moral relativity being so predominant in our culture it seems like there is never a good time to share your beliefs with others. It's considered rude. I don't like people coming up to me telling me what I am doing is wrong and yet I know that I am called to evangelize and many people see evangelization as just being nosy.
This is the conclusion I've come to. I have to let the wisdom of the Catholic Church and the Holy Spirit be my guide and I have to live my life as the best example I can because when worldly ways fail someone they are going to be searching for another way and I want to be a light to show them the path to Christ. I want our family to be a beacon of what the Church is all about and our joy and peace to speak for me. I'll always be willing to give my witness in words... I was in fact a catechetics major, but unless I live a good ife it really won't do any good. So I'm going to be the best Catholic I can be, raise my lovely babies to do the same, and just pray that God will use our example to touch just one person. That would be so wonderful.
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