Every single cycle it's the same thing. The fear of another ectopic pregnancy, the fear of losing my fertility and never being able to have kids again hits me like a brick wall, a punch to the gut, and it knocks the wind out of me. I become paralyzed by fear and overwhelmed by my lack of control.
I can't even talk. All I can do is say, "Jesus." over and over and over again. He knows what I need.
Women, please cherish and respect you fertility. It is such a precious gift.
Showing posts with label Fertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Things I wish I could say when
I'm really cranky today so this is the beginning to a long list of things I wish I could respond to people when they ask me really obnoxious questions.
Marriage
Why I got married so young?
Because we were "waiting" for marriage and didn't want to "wait" too long
Why didn't we just live together first?
Because statistically speaking, living together increases your chance of divorce by 50 percent and we didn't like those odds.
Do I feel like I am missing out on anything by being a young wife and mother?
What? Getting drunk and having no memories of doing it? Trotting along trying to find "the one" when along I had found him in college and had lost him because I decided it was too young to get married. No, if I had not gotten married I would have missed out on the love of my life and my two sweet girls. That would be way worse than any vacation, pay increase, or party.
Pregnancy
Were you trying?
Well, after watching a lot of CSI I have decided to categorize pregnancy in degrees, like how they categorize murders. After all, deciding to have another baby is kind of like stabbing mother earth in the chest.
Pregnancy is the first degree is one you've tried for. Pregnancy in the second degree is a result of an act of passion that was not previously planned upon. Pregnancy in the third degree is what happens when I'm just super duper fertile and I end up pregnant from just ironing Kyle's pants. I'll let you guess which degree the baby is.
You know what causes that, right?
Crap! I knew Kyle and I were hugging wrong.
Why don't you just use birth control?
Because not only is it against my faith but it's also against my ideas of self preservation. I really don't want to take anything that will increase my likelihood of cancer or whatever bad side effect would come from my using it. NFP is the green way of avoiding pregnancy.
How are you feeling?
Like crap. But I'm not going to complain because I know how many women would do anything to be pregnant. It would be an insult to them to do anything else except say "praise God" for anything pregnancy brings me.
You must be having a ..... because ........
Wrong. You are so wrong. It's a girl.
Can I touch your belly?
No. Now go bring me a sandwich.
You look huge! You must be due soon!
No. I have three months to go. Now run fast or I will use my gigantic belly as a weapon against you.
Are you sure there is just one baby in there?
You know what? I'm not even going to respond to that question. I'm just going to slap you.
Are you going naturally?
No. Because I feel no need to put myself through that for bragging rights. That may not be why you do it, but it is the only reason I could think of for me to do it. You do your own thing and more power to you if you do it without drugs. But I love my epidurals. And until my babies don't have perfect APGAR scores you have no right to judge how I give birth. I'll be well rested and glowing in my afterbirth pictures. I offered up sufferings for nine months. This day is going to be about pure joy instead.
After Birth
Are you done now?
It's up to God. But if you can get it in writing from him that I should only have two kids then I'll have a conversation with you about this. Until then, it's only a discussion between myself, my husband, and the Big Guy upstairs.... and sometimes my mother.
Are you going to go on birth control now?
No. Please stop asking. It's super uncomfortable to discuss this with people.
So... you are just staying at home.
Yup. I'm hoping that being home with my kids all day will make me reaaal dumb and out of touch with society so I eventually resent them. It can't possibly be that I enjoy being with my babies all day every day.
You don't want to end up with like SIX KIDS right?
Actually, that's exactly what I want. In fact, I'd be completely overjoyed with six. Or more. But I must be a crazy lady who thinks Adam and Eve rode around on dinosaurs or something to want that many kids.
You must get bored at home all day
I just laughed so hard I think I peed a little.
Marriage
Why I got married so young?
Because we were "waiting" for marriage and didn't want to "wait" too long
Why didn't we just live together first?
Because statistically speaking, living together increases your chance of divorce by 50 percent and we didn't like those odds.
Do I feel like I am missing out on anything by being a young wife and mother?
What? Getting drunk and having no memories of doing it? Trotting along trying to find "the one" when along I had found him in college and had lost him because I decided it was too young to get married. No, if I had not gotten married I would have missed out on the love of my life and my two sweet girls. That would be way worse than any vacation, pay increase, or party.
Pregnancy
Were you trying?
Well, after watching a lot of CSI I have decided to categorize pregnancy in degrees, like how they categorize murders. After all, deciding to have another baby is kind of like stabbing mother earth in the chest.
Pregnancy is the first degree is one you've tried for. Pregnancy in the second degree is a result of an act of passion that was not previously planned upon. Pregnancy in the third degree is what happens when I'm just super duper fertile and I end up pregnant from just ironing Kyle's pants. I'll let you guess which degree the baby is.
You know what causes that, right?
Crap! I knew Kyle and I were hugging wrong.
Why don't you just use birth control?
Because not only is it against my faith but it's also against my ideas of self preservation. I really don't want to take anything that will increase my likelihood of cancer or whatever bad side effect would come from my using it. NFP is the green way of avoiding pregnancy.
How are you feeling?
Like crap. But I'm not going to complain because I know how many women would do anything to be pregnant. It would be an insult to them to do anything else except say "praise God" for anything pregnancy brings me.
You must be having a ..... because ........
Wrong. You are so wrong. It's a girl.
Can I touch your belly?
No. Now go bring me a sandwich.
You look huge! You must be due soon!
No. I have three months to go. Now run fast or I will use my gigantic belly as a weapon against you.
Are you sure there is just one baby in there?
You know what? I'm not even going to respond to that question. I'm just going to slap you.
Are you going naturally?
No. Because I feel no need to put myself through that for bragging rights. That may not be why you do it, but it is the only reason I could think of for me to do it. You do your own thing and more power to you if you do it without drugs. But I love my epidurals. And until my babies don't have perfect APGAR scores you have no right to judge how I give birth. I'll be well rested and glowing in my afterbirth pictures. I offered up sufferings for nine months. This day is going to be about pure joy instead.
After Birth
Are you done now?
It's up to God. But if you can get it in writing from him that I should only have two kids then I'll have a conversation with you about this. Until then, it's only a discussion between myself, my husband, and the Big Guy upstairs.... and sometimes my mother.
Are you going to go on birth control now?
No. Please stop asking. It's super uncomfortable to discuss this with people.
So... you are just staying at home.
Yup. I'm hoping that being home with my kids all day will make me reaaal dumb and out of touch with society so I eventually resent them. It can't possibly be that I enjoy being with my babies all day every day.
You don't want to end up with like SIX KIDS right?
Actually, that's exactly what I want. In fact, I'd be completely overjoyed with six. Or more. But I must be a crazy lady who thinks Adam and Eve rode around on dinosaurs or something to want that many kids.
You must get bored at home all day
I just laughed so hard I think I peed a little.
Friday, September 2, 2011
On quiet nights
It's been a long time since I mourned the loss of my first pregnancy. For some reason, tonight I am mourning. I wouldn't let myself since I have two beautiful babies now. I wouldn't have Madeleine if things didn't go the way they did. But my heart aches when I think of the baby we lost.
It's common, most people go through it. My mom went through it four times, all relatively late in the pregnancy. I lost my baby early on and I lost my fallopian tube too. Half of my fertility. People like to ask questions, make comments about how I can get pregnant with only one tube. They have no idea how scared I was before I had Madeleine. That I would never hold a baby of my own. I thought it would go away after I had Madeleine, that fear of not being able to get pregnant, but both times after I have given birth it comes back. What if it happens again?
It pushes me to get pregnant. It allows me to realize that our fertility is a gift and I should cherish it while I have it because I don't know what the future holds.
I am luckier than so many people. I have two beautiful daughters. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting more, like God hasn't blessed me enough. He has blessed me more than I could have ever imagined. I want more children because they fill our house with love and laughter. They make me a better person, they bring me closer to God.
I want more children for my daughters. I want them to have siblings, best friends, people they can count on in life to always be there no matter what. I want them to learn selflessness from loving their siblings so they can be prepared for their future vocations. I want them to learn that God first and then family are the priorities. Not money or cars or stuff. They can learn that from a house full of siblings.
I want more children because they strengthen my marriage. They bring my husband and I closer to the Lord and closer to each other. They fulfill the vows we said to each other. I want more children because of what they do to my husband. Because of the man they make him.
I want more children for God. More eternal souls to worship and adore Him. More people to be a light in a dark world. More people to love the poorest of the poor.
Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting more children when God has given me more than I ever imagined so it helps to remember why I am called to be a mother. In order to be a mother you can never be selfish. The vocation demands dying to yourself on a daily basis.
I am twenty-five and I have two children. I could, possibly, have three before I even turn twenty-seven. That makes people uncomfortable, even the best Catholics seem to ask me why. Worry about it being too much. God will never give me more than I can handle. If I have another child, it is because God knows me better than I know myself and He knows I can handle it. I pray that He blesses me with many more in His perfect timing.
For now my job is to enjoy my daughters, to love and teach them and to not focus too much on what the future may hold. Tonight everyone is asleep and so I'm going to quietly allow myself to mourn for the baby we lost for the first time in a long time. Then I'll probably sneak into the room where Madeleine and Juliette sleep just to look at them and remind myself why my sorrow has been turned into dancing.
Still, I am glad we have a little saint in heaven interceding for us. I remember praying to him right when I got pregnant with Madeleine so I know he is interceding before God for me and for our family. And I'll get to meet him someday. That fills me with joy as well.
Little David Behrend, pray for us.
It's common, most people go through it. My mom went through it four times, all relatively late in the pregnancy. I lost my baby early on and I lost my fallopian tube too. Half of my fertility. People like to ask questions, make comments about how I can get pregnant with only one tube. They have no idea how scared I was before I had Madeleine. That I would never hold a baby of my own. I thought it would go away after I had Madeleine, that fear of not being able to get pregnant, but both times after I have given birth it comes back. What if it happens again?
It pushes me to get pregnant. It allows me to realize that our fertility is a gift and I should cherish it while I have it because I don't know what the future holds.
I am luckier than so many people. I have two beautiful daughters. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting more, like God hasn't blessed me enough. He has blessed me more than I could have ever imagined. I want more children because they fill our house with love and laughter. They make me a better person, they bring me closer to God.
I want more children for my daughters. I want them to have siblings, best friends, people they can count on in life to always be there no matter what. I want them to learn selflessness from loving their siblings so they can be prepared for their future vocations. I want them to learn that God first and then family are the priorities. Not money or cars or stuff. They can learn that from a house full of siblings.
I want more children because they strengthen my marriage. They bring my husband and I closer to the Lord and closer to each other. They fulfill the vows we said to each other. I want more children because of what they do to my husband. Because of the man they make him.
I want more children for God. More eternal souls to worship and adore Him. More people to be a light in a dark world. More people to love the poorest of the poor.
Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting more children when God has given me more than I ever imagined so it helps to remember why I am called to be a mother. In order to be a mother you can never be selfish. The vocation demands dying to yourself on a daily basis.
I am twenty-five and I have two children. I could, possibly, have three before I even turn twenty-seven. That makes people uncomfortable, even the best Catholics seem to ask me why. Worry about it being too much. God will never give me more than I can handle. If I have another child, it is because God knows me better than I know myself and He knows I can handle it. I pray that He blesses me with many more in His perfect timing.
For now my job is to enjoy my daughters, to love and teach them and to not focus too much on what the future may hold. Tonight everyone is asleep and so I'm going to quietly allow myself to mourn for the baby we lost for the first time in a long time. Then I'll probably sneak into the room where Madeleine and Juliette sleep just to look at them and remind myself why my sorrow has been turned into dancing.
Still, I am glad we have a little saint in heaven interceding for us. I remember praying to him right when I got pregnant with Madeleine so I know he is interceding before God for me and for our family. And I'll get to meet him someday. That fills me with joy as well.
Little David Behrend, pray for us.
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