Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago tomorrow was one of the best and most important days of my life. I had no idea. It was the day my future husband would come into the Catholic Church.

Ever since I had entered high school and started going to Life Teen at my parish in Connecticut I had been praying for him, praying for his faith and his relationship with God and just wondering where he was.

He was in Texas searching. Searching for answers that he finally found in the Catholic Church. It was a long journey for him but with the sometimes not-so-gentle prodding of his friends he started attending Life Teen events during his senior year of high school. He went on a retreat, went to adoration, and was taught all about the Eucharist and Mary and the saints and the pope. These were beliefs that had seemed strange to him even in the theology classrooms of his Catholic all guy's high school. Still, God was working in him and on New Year's eve 2001 he came to believe in the True Presence of Christ in the Eucharist as he knelt in adoration. He decided there and then that he was going to become Catholic.

It wasn't until Easter vigil 2002, over a full year later, that he became part of the Church. He said he wanted that whole year to prepare himself. He was a freshman at the time at Southern Methodist University in Dallas and as he tells me, basically taught the RCIA classes himself. He realized then that he wanted to transfer to a Catholic University and therefore applied and got accepted to the Franciscan University of Steubenville. It was in the first month of his freshman year that a bright eyed, blond haired high school senior arrived on campus for her college visit and met this neophyte. We were married a little less than five years later.

Our shared faith is the foundation of our marriage. It has been essential to every aspect of our marriage and has kept us strong in the hardest times. We each call each other on to holiness because we know that this world is not what we are made for. It is by being married to each other that we will be purified for heaven. Our faith is not only our foundation it is our path and our destination. It is the whole of who we are and what we want to be. Even being married young we can be assured that our marriage will last because in our weakness God is strong and we center our life on God.

That day 10 years ago God was shaping my life and I didn't know it. Without becoming a Catholic, we would have never met and he will readily admit that he would not have been the man I fell in love with. And he is an amazing man. I am so thankful to all of the people who helped him along this journey. David and Katie Garcia, Joe Florez, Edward Houser, Father Michael Earthman, and many, many others. You are a blessing in our life and I thank you.

Sometimes God is doing huge things on what seems like an ordinary day. I was just sitting in my church in Connecticut on a normal Easter Sunday and God was still transforming my life. I had been praying for my spouse for years at that point and it wouldn't be until years later that I would be able to see exactly what God had been up to.

Kyle, I love you. Happy 10 years as a Catholic. Don't be afraid to tell me that our wedding was the second best day of your life because I know that this was the best. It was the best day of my life too.

Seven Quick Takes- I slept last night!

1. The part of being sick where you have to watch your kids suffer, not get any sleep, and spend a ton of money on doctor's visits and prescriptions is no fun. The part where they recover and sleep 13-14 hours at night to make up for what they lost is positively delightful. I think if I showered I might actually feel like a normal person for the first time in... weeks!

2. I swear I feed my kids, I SWEAR it. But yesterday I found Juliette face down on the ground licking up a piece of old banana. It was one of those moments that if we were in public I'd be all like, "Weeeird where is that kids mom."

See! Proof that I feed her (mashed up bananas! super healthy!) AND that she sleeps! All in one neat little photograph.

3. I've learned a new form of exercise that you don't have to leave the house or put on a DVD for. You lie back, hoist your toddler up on your legs, and pretend she is an airplane. It provides lots of entertainment and giggles and leaves your legs with a wicked burn afterwords.

4. My sister is coming in from college for her spring break so we will be heading down to my parent's house this weekend. I found a Groupon for a photo shoot at JC Penny so (yet again, because it's not like we just did this at Christmas) I can document the crud out of their younger years. I would say, "Sorry kids." but since each of them pose like they are competing for the cover of Baby Vogue so really, this is a treat for all of us! And I will be putting the pictures up on her ASAP.

5. Speaking of my sister, she currently attends Franciscan University and was asked by Stella Mariae household to be part of their lip sync by channeling her inner Taylor Swift since she is a dead ringer for the country-pop icon. If you forward to about the 4 minute 30 second mark you'll get to see her rock her part. I'm so proud of her because as an introvert being up in front of crowds is not her thing and she did an amazing job.

6. Just a friendly reminder-
I think that according to NFP and one of those nifty online due date calculators, next week might be the last week to make your efforts. But ya know, it would be pretty cool.

7. I really, really, really love my family. God is so, so incredibly good to have given me such an amazing husband and such beautiful daughters. I feel like I write this all the time but really it's that His goodness leaves me in awe every single day.

For more fun go to http://www.conversiondiary.com/!

Madeleine is growing

I'm not entirely sure how or when it happened but recently Madeleine has become a little girl. Maybe I was blind to it because I still see her as my little baby but the changes in her even since Christmas are just incredible.

Today at the doctors office while her sister was being examined she stood next to the chair and held Juliette's hand the whole time. She kept telling her, "It's okay baby. You doing so well baby. I know baby, it's okay." After the doctor was finished she asked if it was her turn and the doctor asked her if she was feeling sick. Madeleine said, "No Bitty Baby's (her doll) not feeling well." She the doctor examined her doll and Madeleine looked on with a very concerned expression. Later, as the doctor was leaving she told us that she would come back in soon with the medicine and Madeleine stared at her, raised her eyebrows, and said in a very serious tone, "Okay. Be right back." While the doctor was gone she held her sister's hand and my hand and sang the Barney "I love you." song to us.

Later at home she remained focused on her sister and making sure she was feeling okay. Of course, she isn't always an angel. She was throwing a toy around the room and I told her to stop. She looked at me and said, "No it's funny. I know!" It was not funny.

Overall she's a very sensitive little girl who seeks to please almost all the time. She is in tune with the needs and emotions of the people around her as much as a two and a half year old can be. She doesn't talk all the time, she has a more quiet personality, but loves singing and dancing. She loves animals, airplanes, helicopters, and princesses. She also seems to have a little toddler-sized devotion to Baby Jesus and his Mommy and Daddy. She's hard headed and bossy, she knows what she wants and can be extremely stubborn, but if she hurts her sister or gets in trouble with mommy and daddy she tends to be extremely repentant. She loves her family, idolizes her daddy, adores her sister, and can't get enough of her grandparents and aunties. She's imaginative, she tells me about the animals she sees in the trees and the airplanes she sees in the sky (which are usually not actually there) and tends to have "favorite things" (shows, toys, games, songs) that she always chooses over others.

Not everybody cares about every detail about my daughter quite the way I do but you see, that's not the point of this blog post. Madeleine is a person. She is a beautiful little girl with her own unique personality and look and her own beautiful soul. When I was pregnant with her I dreamed of getting to know her, watching her grow, seeing the person she would become. All those days and nights I spent puking or in pain, I knew they would be worth it but I never imagined how worth it. It's one thing to know that two pink lines on a pregnancy test become a person, in fact already are a person. It's a whole new thing when you are there to witness it day in and day out. That little soul that was growing inside me, I knew that if it was a girl I would name her Madeleine. Now that is no longer just a name to me. It's my daughter. My amazing, incredible little person that I get to love. My little gift from God.

I am so thankful for every day I get to know her better, to watch her grow. I am so thankful that God chose me to be her mother. I am so thankful that God has chosen to teach me about His Love in this way, as a mother to one of His little creations. I hope that it brings God as much joy to watch me grow as it brings me to watch Madeleine. I hope I please Him.

Jesus Mommy Hail Mary

Tonight at mass I just had an overwhelming knowledge of how blessed I am. Sitting next to my husband, both girls curled up on our laps... I have more than I could have ever dreamed of. I have been blessed by God so abundantly to have His love and then on top of that the love of such a holy man and such precious little daughters.

Then when we were leaving mass I got another blessing. We stopped by the statue of Mary like we always do to say hi and thank you to Jesus' mommy. Madeleine went running up with the biggest smile and started talking to her. When I thought she was done I told her we were heading home and she told me that she wanted to stay here. With Jesus Mommy Hail Mary.

With all the toys and cookies and movie in our home she preferred to be with the Blessed Mother thanking her for Baby Jesus. Sometimes I really wonder what God was giving me such gifts as these two little souls to care for me, but He has it under control. I forget that they already have a perfect mother in heaven and that whatever my weaknesses are that she will be taking care of my girls as well so I have nothing to worry about.

So thank you to Jesus' mommy Mary for loving my babies, show me how to be a mother like you!

Things I have learned about Motherhood

Motherhood has a learning curve. With each child you have you learn more about yourself than you ever imagined. You also learn about your child (I hope). Annnnnd, you learn a lot about others and the world in which we live

1. Not everyone wants to hear about your kids.
BUT WHO CARES! Post about them anyway. The people that aren't your real friends can defriend you or block your feed, whatever! You only have a limited amount of time to brag about your babies firsts and their bowel movements and how cute they are before they get a facebook account of their own and yell at you. Your children are a part of you, my children are my heart. Why wouldn't I want to brag to the world about their cuteness? So if someone gives you grief about how your facebook or twitter has been entirely devoted to your little ones tell Tin Man to get a heart and just keep doing what you are doing.

2. Each kid is different.
I only have two kids and even I know this! Your parenting style should adapt to each special personality. Don't be so set in your ways that you don't recognize the individuality of each child.

3. Calm the heck down.
There is no reason your baby needs to know their ABCs by the time they are two. Do some art projects and play outside. If your kid is advanced, great. If not, don't sweat it. Kids tend to do things at their own pace so don't compare them to other kids and don't push them too hard because YOU think they should be somewhere they are not. If you have concerns, talk to your pediatrician. If he or she assures you that they are on track, listen to them. If they are concerned about anything, don't freak out. Many kids struggle through different developmental stages and they turn out just fine. It's pushing too hard or ignoring problems all together that compounds issues in the future. Love your child where they are and trust your instincts, just not the crazy ones.

4. Laugh at the crazy
There will be nights where both kids are up until one in the morning screaming and running in circles. You are exhausted and ready to put them on the front lawn with a sign that says "Free". Laugh about it. All moms have been there and they can share in your pain. If you let yourself get too stressed you will end up being cranky with the kids and that is no good for anyone.

5. Ask for help
Whether it is your hubby or a baby sitter, your parents or your in laws, don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. It doesn't mean you are a failure, it just means you are tapped out. Take a nap or a date night and forget about the laundry at home. We all need a break at times. Motherhood is the only job you work 24/7, no matter if you stay home all day or go to work as well. Take some time for you and you will be a better mother to your kids.

6. People will think you are wrong.
About EVERYTHING. The nice people make suggestions. Others stick their noses in the air and tell you that if you do/don't get your kid vaccinated, etc that you are a disgrace to motherhood. Honestly, just ignore them. Do your research, talk to your spouse, and make a prayerful decision together. Then stop worrying about what others think. Nobody wants the best for your children more than you so when people try to tell you what to do, it's usually to make themselves feel important. Not to actually help. If they have good advice, don't be so prideful you won't take it but ignore all the negative. And then laugh about it later with your spouse.

7. Pray every day.
It's really the only way to stay sane and it's the only way you will be able to do motherhood right. Our babies are a gift from God and no one knows how to love them better than Him, so just talk to God all the time and let Him lead you.

8. Less is more.
You want your kid to have everything, that is normal. But it's also a pain in the butt to clean up. Limit toys and books, store things you aren't using. For differnt developmental stages I rotate out toys. That way they have new things to explore and learn with and everything they own isn't all over the floor at once. Same with clothes. My kids have a lot more clothing in the smaller sizes than they do in their larger sizes. That's because I finally go just how much money I spent and how little they wore each item. It's cute, but not necessary.

9. Give them siblings
My sisters are so incredibly important to me and the person I have become. Juliette is already Madeleine's best friend. I know some people may not be able to have large families because of health, infertility, or severe money issues, but those things aside nothing is a better gift than a sibling. If I had to make a choice between a fancy vacation, an upgrade to my house or car, jewelry, new electronics, new toys, new clothes for myself or a new baby... I would choose a new baby every time. With that said, spend quality alone time with each child you have and celebrate the gift that THEY are. Don't beat yourself up if you aren't keeping up with the Duggars. I know I won't be! Use NFP and you will be trusting in God's plan for your family. No plan is better than His.

10. Make time for your spouse
You wouldn't even have your babies without him. The happiest children comes from families with happy marriages. You can't have a happy marriage if you don't take time out to spend with each other. Always put your spouse before yourself and look to exemplify a marriage centered on God for the world by loving each other like He loves His Church, so much that He died for it.

That's ten things and I am super tired so I am done for the night. I'm a beginner mommy so I know these things may seem "duh" but the were amazing things for me to learn over these past two and a half years. I am thankful for Kyle and my super awesome and adorable babies to teach me every day. Motherhood has changed me to my very core and made me a better person than I ever dreamed I could be. I still have a looong way to go but I'll have God and my family by my side for the journey so I think I'll get there.

What mass is like with kids

Back before I had kids I would see the two year old climbing all over the pew and think to myself, "Horrors! Surely my children will never do such a thing!" or something like that. That makes it sound like I think in "British"... normally my mind is not that proper.

Nowadays when I see a toddler standing on a pew who isn't pelting other parishioners with hymnals I wonder what they have done to get their kid to behave so nicely.

Our real problem is that because of Kyle's schedule we have to go to either the 4:30 Saturday or the 5:00 Sunday mass and that means that we don't even TRY to get the kids down for their naps. The only thing worse than a baby who has not napped is a baby who was from her crib untimely ripped. (five points to anyone who gets the reference.)

So we usually roll into mass about 2 minutes late. We like less that a mile from our parish but even if we left our house at about a half hour before we had to be there we would probably still end up late. I'm convinced our neighborhood has a Bermuda Triangle thing going on.

And of course, because this is Massachusetts and everyone talks "wicked fast" the priest is just about to begin the Gospel.

Madeleine genuflects before entering the pew and I am proud. Super proud. I'm beaming. We sit down, she sits and folds her hands and goes, "Jesus. Hi. Amen." I'm not smiling like the Cheshire Cat. SO CUTE!

Kyle usually starts off holding Juliette and I am trying to explain what is happening in the mass to Madeleine. Everything is quiet for a minute or two. Soon enough however Juliette is squealing so loud I'm convinced no one can hear the lector and Madeleine is crawling under the pew back and forth transporting the hymnals.

Kyle hands Juliette to me. The squealing gets louder. He tried to pick up Madeleine who now is making a fort out of said hymnals. He picks her up and tells her it is time to pray.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kyle heads to the back of the church with her where there is no cry room. She is told she has lost her cookie. I hear her NOOOOOOOOs tapering off as he distracts her. Usually she is trying to wash her hands in the holy water font. I'm down with that.

Meanwhile Juliette realizes that I am holding her but she is not nursing. That won't do. She is pulling at my shirts and head butting me in the chest. Kyle comes back just in time. Madeleine says, "HI MOM! HI BABY!" I hand Juliette over to him who starts teething on his shoulder. Madeleine sits in the pew for about a minute. Then she puts down the foot rest, stands on it, and starts leaning forward into the pew in front of us. Her butt is in the air and she cannot get down.

As I am getting her down Kyle is distracting Juliette with the hymnals. He hands her one and she immediately throws it on the floor and reaches for the next because that is just the stage she is in. Madeleine picks up the hymnal, examines it, and starts pointing and loudly saying, "Jesus mommy! Jesus mommy!"

Luckily for us they are normal very good during, as Madeleine calls it, the "HI JESUS" part. The point where I point up at the Eucharist being held in the hands of the priest and tell Madeleine, "There is Jesus." To which she usually says, in a whisper, "Hi Jesus."

On the way back from communion there are people pointing and smiling at them. Those people have clearly not heard what has been going on in the back of the church.

We get back to our seats and without fail one of us has to take one of them to the back of the church again. This is made particularly tricky if we have arrived late and the person at the end of the row has refused to move in so we were stuck in the middle. Usually by the end of mass they have let us out and back in again so many times that my guess is no "isle seat" is worth that amount of trouble. Or they have peaced out right after communion. Once again, this is Massachusetts.

We stay until the priest has processed back up the isle and head out. We stop at the statue of Mary in front of the church because Madeleine loves Jesus Mommy Hail Mary. It hasn't been a peaceful experience and I didn't have much time for contemplation. However I have the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity inside of me so I know that I am the closest I can possibly be to God.

Being a mom doesn't give a lot of time from prayer but it provides a lot of opportunities to grow in holiness.... even though by the end of mass I am usually more tired then when I hit the gym.

Even through their craziness I see the fruits of taking my children to mass in my day to day life, especially in how Madeleine has grown in her prayer life. And she is only two! It's hard but I certainly wouldn't do it any other way. While my children are young I'll have to remember that even though I don't get long peaceful stretches for prayer that God is still working within me through my husband and children. Putting the needs of my children before my own is part of my vocation and it's by living my vocation in even the smallest details that I will grow closer to God. Outside of receiving the Eucharist nothing revitalizes my faith like loving my family because they are my gift from God and my path to Him as well.

I guess what I am saying is that I will take my time alone with God whenever I can get it, those are essential to restore me for day to day life. However since those moments can be hard to come by I am slowly learning how to make the little moments of life a prayer as well. Dishes, laundry, even peeling Madeleine off of the pew during mass. I'm just thankful for the richness of our faith, the goodness of God, and the vocation of being a wife and mother. Especially to such a holy man and such sweet little girls.

The gift of fertility

Every single cycle it's the same thing. The fear of another ectopic pregnancy, the fear of losing my fertility and never being able to have kids again hits me like a brick wall, a punch to the gut, and it knocks the wind out of me. I become paralyzed by fear and overwhelmed by my lack of control.

I can't even talk. All I can do is say, "Jesus." over and over and over again. He knows what I need.

Women, please cherish and respect you fertility. It is such a precious gift.

Momma prayer time

Me- God... what do you want from my life?
God- Take care of my babies for me.

It's humbling to know that my babies are really God's. Incredible to think that he gave them to me to raise. Overwhelming to realize how important it is for me to raise them as saints. Beautiful to know that I am not doing it alone, that God has given me an incredibly holy husband to lead our family.

This weekend Madeleine genuflected and made her own little sign of the cross all on her own before she entered the pew before mass. Later she said her "thank you Jesus" prayers all on her own.

It may be small but I know that it was a great joy to God and to her mommy and daddy as well.

Thank you Jesus for your babies.

On quiet nights

It's been a long time since I mourned the loss of my first pregnancy. For some reason, tonight I am mourning. I wouldn't let myself since I have two beautiful babies now. I wouldn't have Madeleine if things didn't go the way they did. But my heart aches when I think of the baby we lost.

It's common, most people go through it. My mom went through it four times, all relatively late in the pregnancy. I lost my baby early on and I lost my fallopian tube too. Half of my fertility. People like to ask questions, make comments about how I can get pregnant with only one tube. They have no idea how scared I was before I had Madeleine. That I would never hold a baby of my own. I thought it would go away after I had Madeleine, that fear of not being able to get pregnant, but both times after I have given birth it comes back. What if it happens again?

It pushes me to get pregnant. It allows me to realize that our fertility is a gift and I should cherish it while I have it because I don't know what the future holds.

I am luckier than so many people. I have two beautiful daughters. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting more, like God hasn't blessed me enough. He has blessed me more than I could have ever imagined. I want more children because they fill our house with love and laughter. They make me a better person, they bring me closer to God.

I want more children for my daughters. I want them to have siblings, best friends, people they can count on in life to always be there no matter what. I want them to learn selflessness from loving their siblings so they can be prepared for their future vocations. I want them to learn that God first and then family are the priorities. Not money or cars or stuff. They can learn that from a house full of siblings.

I want more children because they strengthen my marriage. They bring my husband and I closer to the Lord and closer to each other. They fulfill the vows we said to each other. I want more children because of what they do to my husband. Because of the man they make him.

I want more children for God. More eternal souls to worship and adore Him. More people to be a light in a dark world. More people to love the poorest of the poor.

Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting more children when God has given me more than I ever imagined so it helps to remember why I am called to be a mother. In order to be a mother you can never be selfish. The vocation demands dying to yourself on a daily basis.

I am twenty-five and I have two children. I could, possibly, have three before I even turn twenty-seven. That makes people uncomfortable, even the best Catholics seem to ask me why. Worry about it being too much. God will never give me more than I can handle. If I have another child, it is because God knows me better than I know myself and He knows I can handle it. I pray that He blesses me with many more in His perfect timing.

For now my job is to enjoy my daughters, to love and teach them and to not focus too much on what the future may hold. Tonight everyone is asleep and so I'm going to quietly allow myself to mourn for the baby we lost for the first time in a long time. Then I'll probably sneak into the room where Madeleine and Juliette sleep just to look at them and remind myself why my sorrow has been turned into dancing.

Still, I am glad we have a little saint in heaven interceding for us. I remember praying to him right when I got pregnant with Madeleine so I know he is interceding before God for me and for our family. And I'll get to meet him someday. That fills me with joy as well.

Little David Behrend, pray for us.

NFP in real life

I struggle a lot with Natural Family Planning. Mostly because if situations were perfect I would live in a perpetual state of getting pregnant and popping out babies. I'm not really big on the pregnant part but I am HUGE on the baby part. I get the baby itch soon after they are born (well so far) and then Kyle and I take time to discern and pray before having another.

Right now we are trying to avoid but we spend a lot of time fearing pregnancy. Not because of how we would handle it (I don't want to toot my own horn but I am totally a natural at this whole "being a mom" thing and could easily handle another) but because of what people might think. Sure, we have some friends that wonder why we aren't pregnant again already, God bless them, but we know that there would be many others, family, friends, random people in the grocery store, that would completely disapprove.

We are not avoiding because of them. We are avoiding because of finances and because of my health. As far as the first goes, soon enough Kyle will be an employee of Southwest Airlines, his pay will go up, and we will be able to afford another. I mean, we cloth diaper so that wouldn't cost anything. We nurse, so no money for food. If it's a girl we'd have all the clothes we need and with a boy he would get more spoiled that an heir to the throne in Britain so that's a non issue as well. We have car seats, strollers, and cribs as well. We would need very little. The big issues for us are hospital bills, time off of work, etc. I'd also really like to wait until we wouldn't have three in college at one time.

My health is the real issue. I've had major issues with both of my last two pregnancies (and the ectopic before that as well) and so I need to be stronger so I can be a good mommy to both my babies on the outside and the one on the inside. Last time I barely had the strength to get off the couch many days and I when I get pregnant again I would like to be able to be the mommy they have now, just rounder.

I don't buy into waiting because it's better for my first two girls. They are each other's best friends and another baby would only add to their joy. If I want alone time with any of my kids, Kyle gladly babysits so I can have that special mommy and me time. I don't care about fancy vacations and having all sorts of "me time". That could never bring my husband and I more joy than another baby. Even Kyle, who was terrified of kids at first cannot wait until we feel ready to add to our family. Right now we avoid and take each month to pray and discern. We believe that by using Natural Family Planning we are allowing God to be the true head of our family and know what is best for us. If we get pregnant we pray that the people we know will be excited and supportive because as I said before, pregnancy is hard enough for me.

When I think of having a third child I don't really worry about many of the things I think most people do. What I do worry about is what it would be like to wait too long, to have another ectopic pregnancy, to increase my chance of miscarriage, and to live with the regret of not having been open to all God could have given to my family through another child. I think of the names we have picked out for our future babies, of the moment when I first see the face that goes with that name and hold my child for the first time. I think of all God could do through that child and how that child could be a light in a world that could use a lot more light. Nothing else seems important after that

Controversial or just Catholic

Sometimes I feel a litte bit alone in the world. Most of my decisions about life are controversial. Some of them because they go completely against the grain of what is considered "normal" such as getting married at 21, using Natural Family Planning instead of birth control, being pro-life, being pro-traditional marriage, planning on having many homeschooled babies, and really, basically being an orthodox Catholic. Other things are controversial because the people who disagree with me on them tend to be very opinionated. I vaccinate my children, I love me some epidural, I cloth diaper, I stay at home with my kids all day every day, I don't start potty training until my kids shows signs they are ready, and I let Madeleine watch TV for short periods before she was two. I'm not perfect and I don't pretend to be, but with all that controversy, with people coming at you from all sides telling you what you are doing as a mother/wife/woman etc is wrong, how do you develop convictions and hold to them without attacking others in the same breath?

I want to talk about the controversy caused by the first set of things I discussed, the things that go against the grain of society and not just my close set of friends. I don't believe in moral relativity. Not at all. I believe that when it comes to the important things (such as being pro-life, marriage being between a man and a woman, and not using contraception) there is a right and a wrong and I believe that through the teachings of the Catholic Church, it is very clear. I feel blessed to be brought up in a family that taught me right from wrong. I'm glad that they taught me that the right way isn't always the easy way but that the struggles and sacrifice are always worth it in the end. I know that I have to hold myself up to a higher standard than I do anyone else because I can't call anyone on when I know that I am falling in a similar area. But with moral relativity being so predominant in our culture it seems like there is never a good time to share your beliefs with others. It's considered rude. I don't like people coming up to me telling me what I am doing is wrong and yet I know that I am called to evangelize and many people see evangelization as just being nosy.

This is the conclusion I've come to. I have to let the wisdom of the Catholic Church and the Holy Spirit be my guide and I have to live my life as the best example I can because when worldly ways fail someone they are going to be searching for another way and I want to be a light to show them the path to Christ. I want our family to be a beacon of what the Church is all about and our joy and peace to speak for me. I'll always be willing to give my witness in words... I was in fact a catechetics major, but unless I live a good ife it really won't do any good. So I'm going to be the best Catholic I can be, raise my lovely babies to do the same, and just pray that God will use our example to touch just one person. That would be so wonderful.

My home girl, Mary Magdalene

I was talking to a friend of mine about my devotion to Mary Magdalene on her feast day (July 22nd) and she told me that I should turn it into a blog post. So here it is.

A lot of times life is like one of those three act chick flicks. In life you are born and everything is a-ok and peaceful. In the movie this is generally the very beginning before the main story line begins. Then life happens and whether you lead a sinful life or a average one, you may not have developed a relationship with Christ and the world can seem overwhelming and you want to go back to when times were simple instead of moving forward into the unknown. This is usually the point in the movie when the girl meets the guy and things get confusing and every force possible tries to keep them apart. (Usually we've been introduced to Christ much earlier than we fall in love with him and the world tries to keep us from him. Just thought I'd explain in case you didn't see my crazy analogy) Then there is the third act where we fall in love with Christ for the first time and in the movie the woman and the man get engaged, married, etc. And then the movie just ends.

From this point we are supposed to assume that the couple in the movie stays in love and married but we know that, tragically, in this day in age that usually isn't the case. And likewise we should assume that once Christ comes into our lives that we stay in love with him and follow him everywhere and anywhere. And even more tragically, that usually isn't the case either. However that is the story of my life and I believe the story of Mary Magdalene. Jesus came into Mary Magdalene's life when she was at her worst and the future seemed the most dim. He loved her, changed her, and she was his forever. That is why she followed him to the cross. And her faithfulness is why she was the first he appeared to at the resurrection. A lot of times people don't make it to the cross in marriage and in their journey's with Christ. That is why they never see the resurrection. Mary trusted in the Love that had transformed her and so was able to endure whatever it took to be by Him. From then on, after he was gone, she lived with his Mother and John the Beloved. I'm not sure if it is anywhere near accurate (I don't get to study these things as much as I would like) but in a way I think she is like the first nun. She fell in love with Christ, stood by his side through everything, and after He was gone she lived with two other people who were also clearly celibate. It may not have had the official titles to it that sisters have today, and even if she wasn't even close to being a nun, I see her as a perfect bride for Christ.

I love Mary Magdalene because this is how the story SHOULD go. Our turning points are all different, mine was right before high school, but once we fall in love with God we should stay in love with Him. Obviously major events can happen on our journey, I got married and became a mother, but those events don't start a new story. They just deepen the one we are already in. I love Mary Magdalene because, like me, this is how her story went. She was transformed by Christ and never left his side. I feel a connection with her because she is exactly the type of bride for Christ that I want to be. She's also exactly the type of bride I want to be for Kyle. All my life Mary Magdalene has been an example to me. I feel like we share a similar spirit but she shows me how to use that spirit to grow closer to God and to be holier than I could on my own. My devotion to her is why I named my first daughter Madeleine.

I hope everyone has a saint who can show them how to love Christ but if you don't, I'd recommend Mary Magdalene. She's pretty amazing.

The problem with how we view children

I can't even begin to explain how many times I've had the same conversation with women. I tell them I am a stay at home mom. They tell me that they could "never do that" because they would "get bored" and they "need something to fulfill them intellectually/socially, etc". I usually leave these conversations feeling amazed, confused, and disheartened.

Let me start off by saying that I understand not everyone is called to be a stay at home mother. Some women need to work. There are bills to pay, student loans, and about a million other reasons why mothers cannot leave their jobs.

Take me for example. For the first six months of Madeleine's life I was a working mom. I was a youth minister and (Praise God!) that allowed my the flexibility to be working and still be with my baby all the time. She came with me to Life Teen and to meetings, I often had baby sitters at the church with me, but she was always around. Instead of feeling fulfilled as a mother and as a working woman with the job I had always dreamed of I was depressed and stressed, stretched too thin in every sense of the word. Things began to fall apart. I wasn't the wife I wanted to be, I wasn't the mother I wanted to be, and I wasn't the youth minister I wanted to be. To me, everyone deserved way more than I could give.

There are some women that can do it all and to be honest, I really and truly envy those women. I wish I was the type of woman who could cook dinner, clean the house, intellectually stimulate my brood of babies, earn a living, and still have energy for sex. I don't this post to seem like I am looking down on the women who do it all because, in fact, I greatly admire them and hope to be like them someday. My mom is the greatest example I know of a mother who could do it all and no one ever felt like she gave them less than her everything all the time. She's amazing. The women who confuse me are the ones who are bored by their children.

I always swore up and down and sideways that I wouldn't be that mom that talked non stop about how awesome my kids are. (Sidebar- according to my wonderful grandparents-in-law, my husband is perfect. I'm pretty sure he believes it too. I'm still not totally convinced he could have been a baseball great if he had JUST gotten glasses earlier but clearly I never saw him play. I do think he is pretty amazing. Love you Maw-Maw and Grandpa Verne!) I am definitely that mom. Madeleine is incredible and Juliette is wonderful and there have NEVER been cuter or sweeter babies except for Jesus. I stay home with them all day every day and while sometimes I get bored (really because I am not creative enough to figure out something new and exciting to do and I feel like I should) I am NEVER EVER bored by them.

Each minute I spend with them is a miracle. How much they know and love me is a miracle. I can't get enough of feeding them, changing their diapers, giving them their toys, moderating their "fights", and watching them learn and explore and change and grow. I am intellectually stimulated by coming up with new ways to be a better wife and mom. I am socially stimulated by my fellow moms. I am spiritually stimulated by the intense knowledge of how much more God loves me than even I love them. There is nothing boring about being a mom.

When I lost my job it was devastating in a sense because our household salary was cut in half. Suddenly, however, I felt whole. I could give my whole heart to my family. Someday I'll get the swing of things, I'll find a balance, and I'll go back into ministry. I'd love to get my master's degree in theology and teach at a college level. For now, I'm happy teaching Madeleine what sound a cow makes and what the color red looks like. I'm fulfilled watching Juliette try to call. I wasn't born to make a pay check. I was born to bring eternal souls into this world. I want to bask in how blessed I am to be a mom and how blessed I am to be able to stay home with my kids. On the days when I just want to get out by myself just for an hour I have to remind myself that the sacrifice of my independence is nothing compared to the rewards I reap. We all have our struggles as moms. Whether we stay home or work none of us have an easy path. What we share is the unbelievable blessing that motherhood is and hopefully we can all appreciate it.

Kids are never boring.

Four years and counting

I remember being little and wondering about what and who my future would hold for me. I think most little girls do it. We wonder what his name will be, what he will look like, how we will meet, when we will get married, and we dream that he will be the prince we've always wanted. A fairy tale is something meant to stir our inner most desires so no matter they are all about love. As women we are programmed to want to be loved and cherished and fought for. Then, somewhere along the line, many women settle. They figure if Prince William is taken than anyone will do. Or they kiss a lot of frogs and start to doubt that anything else exists. Many women don't understand that the fairy tale isn't about the castle and the ball gown, it's about finding the man who treats us like a queen.

The other problem to those stories is once women find their prince they expect happily ever after. No problems, just bliss. Fairy tales never continue past the big, joyous wedding and so the image we are left with is the joyous celebration and not the day to day monotony of life in the world. If the stories had been extended Prince Charming would leave his clothes on the bathroom floor instead of the hamper, Prince Eric would spend too much time at work, and I can guarantee that Jasmine and Aladdin would have had it out over who's turn it was to clean the tiger's litter box. It's just life.

In order to really understand what a husband should be like we have to look to Christ. At it's most basic level, we know that the husband should be willing to die for his wife. He should love her more than he love's himself. Now, Christ is perfect and no other man is, but there is no compromise on this central necessity of a husband. He must be willing to lay down his life for his wife. Most men won't have to do this in a literal sense, thank God, but there are little ways they do this in every day life, things a woman should look for in a potential spouse. Does he concede when he is wrong? Does he get you food when you aren't well? Does he work to provide for you? Is he open to life? Does he plan dates for you even if the ballet isn't exactly "his thing"? Will he watch the occasional chick flick just because you enjoy them? If he can be trusted with small matters, he can be trusted with larger ones as well. A man who is selfless is husband material and he is a prince.

We, as women, will not always be the perfect brides. The best women are strong women. We are taught that this means to be independent and strong willed. Real strength is in obedience. Just like the Blessed Mother was obedient to God's will because she knew the He loved her and even if His will wasn't completely clear to her, she knew that she could trust him. If you find a prince that is willing to die for you, you can trust him to lead you. Obedience isn't about blindly doing something stupid because you aren't smart enough to think for yourself, it's about learning self control, humility, and above all, it's about trusting in the love your spouse has for you. A holy husband looks to God for the way he should lead his family. If you marry a holy man of God, you know that his decisions are done in prayer and that you can trust him to be the head of your family. In my household we discuss almost everything together because my husband loves me and wants my input. In the end, however, he is the head of our family and I trust him. He has never led us wrong in four years and he will be the first to credit that to God, of course, but also to my help as well. I am his helper, not his manipulator. And that is so much better.

I don't have a perfect marriage, no one does, but I have one prince of a husband. He makes me feel like the beautiful princess I always dreamed of being as a little girl. In fact, when I was little, I used to write stories about my future prince. In all of those stories I named the prince Kyle. God had already written his name on my heart. In these four years of marriage I have grown in holiness because of this amazing vocation we were called to and because of the amazing man I was called to it with. And it just gets better with each child we have. I look forward to many more joyful years of marriage. From the outside, it's an ordinary life, from where I am standing... it's a fairy tale.

Be still my heart

It's amazing how one little thing your child does can restore your faith in yourself as a mother.

Tonight I was at Babies R Us with my girls looking for a booster seat for Madeleine. I took them up and down the isles trying to get some ideas for Madeleine's second birthday as well. As I pushed the cart up the toy isle Madeleine saw a toy that caught her eye. It was a hippo in a tutu. She immediately began pointing at it frantically going, "BABY BABY BABY!" I thought that she may have been calling the toy a baby since that is what she refers to her dolls as, as well as her sister, so I picked it up to hand to her so she could examine it.

When I handed it to her she turned around without a second's hesitation and put it in Juliette's arms with a tender smile and a soft baby. Juliette clutched it to her chest. Madeleine looked at Juliette with such love and joy and pride that it melted my heart. She had seen that toy, known her baby would like it, and made sure she got it. She was filled with joy to see her sister playing with it. She didn't want any toy for herself, she was content giving something to Juliette.

There was no doubt that I would purchase that hippo in the tutu and on the car ride home I listened to the crinkle of her skirt as my six month old examined her new friend. Someday that hippo will be in Juliette's forever box as the first toy Madeleine ever got her. There will surely be gifts exchanged between them in the future but I will always remember the pure love with which this one was given.

To all the people who said I was having my kids too close together, that they wouldn't receive enough love, I wish they had been there to see this. For all the times I am delayed giving Madeleine a juice cup because I am nursing her sister and vice versa, nothing will ever come close to the blessing they are to each other as sisters. Life long best friends. This is why I want to have a large family. Because God doesn't allow my love to be divided between my children. With each child he will multiply my love for all of them and multiply their love for each other. The more children I have, the more love there will be. Tonight I witnessed this Truth in the selflessness of a 23 month old.

A Little Way and a long way to go

I've spent a lot of time dwelling on St. Therese lately because I have realized how much she has to teach me. Since becoming a mother my desire for holiness had multiplied time and time again and yet my prayer life has been almost completely shot. I am unable to take both kids to daily mass because of Kyle's schedule and the fact that, I humbly admit, I am completely unable to go to mass with both of them on my own. Most days I barely find time to eat or shower. This is why I turn to Saint Therese.

Saint Therese offered up each moment of her life as an offering to God. She looked at every second of every day as an opportunity to grow in holiness and when those moments slipped by, she was heartbroken. Even the simplest of acts was turned into a prayer. While we live very different lives, her as a cloistered Carmelite and myself as a stay-at-home mother, I feel as though this is the exact type of prayer life that would suit my vocation and allow me the chance to grow in holiness.

First of all, I tend to avoid small tasks that are displeasing to me. For instance, today I was at my sister's tennis game and had just sat down with Juliette on my lap to watch the match when my other sister came up to me asking me to go with her to the bathroom. I wanted to say no so badly. I was tired and my legs were sore from the walk I had taken earlier but I remembered Saint Therese saying, "But why be foolish enough to refuse treasures offered so generously?" Those treasures she spoke of were the small opportunities for holiness that people usually pass by or don't even notice. With that in mind I decided to go to the bathroom with her.

Another thing I can learn from Saint Therese is her desire to be small and hidden in Christ. So often I want people to notice me, especially the good things about me. It's even better if they praise me for those things. First of all, I shouldn't desire the praise of anyone besides the Lord and also my husband and kids who are Christ to me on this earth. Any good thing in me, if I look beautiful or tell a good joke or make an intelligent remark, it is all because of the Lord. Instead of wanting people to see me when those things happen I should want them to see through me to Christ in me who is making them happen. The whole of my existence is to love and serve the Lord and in serving the Lord I should be pointing people to Him and not to myself. If someone can look at me and see Christ than I am doing my job. If they see Sarah than I am failing.

The last thing I have been really meditating on about Saint Therese's Little Way is her joy in suffering. While I have no great crosses I have a lot of little ones. It can be tempting to use them to get attention or to just look at them as a burden rather than a blessing. Saint Therese knew that without a cross there was no resurrection and so she embraced and loved her cross until should could "no longer suffer because all suffering is sweet." I have been blessed with so many things, so much more than most people, and it blows my mind every time I think about just how much I have. This just means I really need to embrace my small crosses even more so I can be assured of a resurrection one day for myself.

Reading the writings of Saint Therese reminds me of just how far I have to go but I feel comforted because she gives me little ways to grow closer to Christ that can fit in with my own vocation as a mother. I can offer up my life as a prayer, I can let Christ shine through me instead of desiring to shine on my own, and I can embrace my small crosses. It is a lot more difficult than it sounds but luckily I have and amazing husband to call me on.

A Day for the Mommaz

I can't even begin to explain how much it annoys me when people ask the question, "So do you just stay home with the kids or do you work." As if staying home with the kids isn't work? There is no more demanding a job out there, except for probably that of the parish priest. Motherhood is an exhausting 24 hour VOCATION. We have no days off, we are constantly on call, and we always have to be on top of our game. It is also more rewarding than I could ever put into words but kids. are. work.

So the day I value more than my own birthday or even my anniversary is Mother's Day. I'm not a mother because I want people to tell me how awesome I am but I love that there is one day a year completely devoted to honoring us for all we do all year round. Being a mother is the thing I am most proud of and it is what Kyle is most proud of me for. I love when he calls me beautiful, I love when he tells me I am a great wife or I'm a great cook, but the compliment I cherish the most is when he tells me I am a great mother. Raising our children well is the biggest way I can honor him so I love that he recognizes it.

Since being a mom I've learned to step up my game for my own mom. I've begin to see just how much of herself she sacrifices for all of us, even those who have left the nest, and so I want to show her just how much I love her and how much I appreciate all she has given me. My mom is an amazing woman and without her example, I wouldn't be half the mom I am to my own kids. Her influence has been invaluable and so I want to be the same for my daughters.

The day was simple, time with my parents, sisters, daughters, and husband, but it was perfect. When Kyle met us after work he brought my mom and I each a single red rose but then when I got home, there was a whole bouquet of tulips waiting for me. We don't have money for expensive gifts but even if we had I couldn't have wanted anything else more. It was perfect because Kyle knows how much I love receiving flowers and he, on his own accord, sought out the prettiest ones he could find to surprise me with. And he honored my mother too. What a blessing he is! He says he is sending me for a mani/pedi next week too which, once again, is a treat he knows I never give myself but always crave.

I'm not a mom for a pat on the back or a "job well done" but the week the stress of being sick, and both babies being super needy had really gotten me down. I feel like this gave me new life tonight and really restored my faith in myself. It's so amazing to take a step back and look at how much my husband and children adore me. I never imagined I could be loved so much. I live for giving myself to them but today it was nice to receive.

Home

I've never been the type of person that has had a niche, a place where I really felt like I fit in. Growing up I was always on the outside of many different groups. I always had one or two best friends and lots of people I hung out with but I was never really on the inside. Whatever that means.

It starts with the little cliques as early as preschool and they just develop all through high school and even into college. In all that time I kept looking for a place where I could really be myself and feel like I was accepted. Looking back on my post from yesterday, I realize that this is where a lot of my insecurities stem from. Honestly, I'm not sure I ever tried that hard either. I wasn't the type of person, even from as young as three or four, that wanted to be part of a group badly enough that I would ever give up who I was or what I wanted. If I was going to play with people it would be by my rules. If they didn't want to play what I wanted to play, then I'd go it on my own.

In high school I was involved in drama and in youth group. I found people that I loved and that loved me through each of those, and I was a really happy teenager. I don't look back on high school thinking about how awful it was, I really enjoyed it, but still I am only really in close contact with two people from those days.

In college I joined a million ministries and didn't stick with anything longer than a year. I said that I wanted to try new things but in truth, wherever I was I was restless. I picked my household (kind of a Catholic sorority if you will) quickly and soon realized that I didn't fit in well there either. I loved the covenant that we lived by, it was all about suffering with Christ on the Cross in union with Our Lady, and that really struck a chord with me and how I wanted to live my life. But the girls all just seemed so different from me and I didn't feel like they understood me. And I was still restless, still looking for a place to call home.

A lot of people can't be themselves around their family but I can. It's the one place I will belt out bad karaoke and dance like an idiot. It's where I know I can argue with someone and they will love me all the same when it is over.

When Kyle and I were developing our relationship he thought it was important to meet my family before we started officially dating. I wanted him to ask my dad's permission to pursue me and he wanted to gain their approval right off the bat. He drove me home for Christmas and it was over that trip that things really progressed. I'm not even sure we were officially an item when I knew we were going to get married some day. I wasn't even in love with him yet but having him around felt like home. I didn't want to keep moving on and looking for something new. I knew that I could be me around him and I knew without a doubt that he would love me for it. I could see our relationship playing out. I knew that we would date, fall in love, get engaged, get married, have children, and grow old together.

They say once you find "the one" you know. I'd been in love before but it had never been right. My insecurities, the little parts of me that I disliked, were always being hidden. I thought that if I revealed those parts of me that it would all go away. And it always did because it was never right. That wasn't the case with Kyle. It was those very parts of me that he loved the most. The quirks and nuances that made me me were what he cherished the most. He found me captivating and I felt secure in a way I never had before.

It was because of that sureness that I was able to get married at the very young age of twenty-one without a doubt in my head. I believe that when you discover the Lord's will for your life you will be filled with peace. That is what I found when I found Kyle.

I am created for God and Kyle represents Christ to me, so it makes sense that I am home with him. He loves me, sinner that I am, and he sees all of the beautiful things about me even when I can't. It's why I trusted him enough to promise to honor and obey, because I know that he will never take advantage of that promise. He will lay down his life for me. It's that beautiful balance that Christ has with his Church that we can be blessed enough to emulate for the world.

I spent so long wondering why I felt like I never fit it. It's like this pair of shoes I bought and kept exchanging them for different sizes. I couldn't understand why none of the sizes were working. Then I bought another pair of heels, a different design, and right away I could tell that the problem with the other pair wasn't the sizes I bought. It was that those shoes just weren't designed for my feet. This new pair was perfect. Being with Kyle was like slipping on that perfect pair of heels. It just fit right away and I was able to know that because of all the stuff that hadn't.

God blessed the broken road indeed...

AHHHHHHH USA IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!

USA! USA! USA!

I'll never forget 9/11. I was in gym class when I heard the news. I was tying my shoes. I didn't understand. It didn't make sense. It was like I had left my body and I was watching from the outside. All I could think about was my Aunt. I knew she worked there sometimes. Was she okay? I could barely remember my own name. Someone had to tie my shoe for me. I had to lie down.

English class watching the towers fall. It still wasn't real. I couldn't cry I just sat there. Staring. Hoping I would wake up. How could this happen. Why? I just don't understand. Stanizzi came over and gave me a hug. I finally let it all go. I needed to call my mom. Had she heard from Aunt Gayle?

Outside with Ally. Sitting on the curb. Waiting for my mom. Aunt Gayle is okay. I can see smoke. How did it get to my town? A plane went down in DC and PA and I can't take anymore. Ally and I sobbed into each other's arms and just talked about how scared we felt.

I remember all the prayer in the weeks after. We became a nation of prayer once again. And though it all, we were proud to be American. Nothing else mattered. Not race or religion. We were united in our grief and there was an outpouring of love for the victims.

And now justice has been served. The families of those lost that day... I can't imagine. I can't imagine how I would feel if I had lost someone that day.

Tonight, I'm having a drink to the TROOPS, to the victims of 9/11, to George W Bush, to those who lost their lives trying to find him, and for the conversion of Osama's soul. God's outside of time, our prayers can still work for him!

Also, prayers that this doesn't get Obama another 4 years. If you rewatch his speech and drink every time he says "I" you'd be totally sloshed. I want to know what, exactly, he thinks he did.

Thank you to all our service men and women, especially Juliette's godfather Edward Houser. We love you! Come back safely!

The REAL Incredibles

Not sure if anyone besides me can follow my logic but here it goes.

Theoretically, receiving the Eucharist just once should be enough to take us to sainthood. Yet somehow, after countless Sundays of receiving the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity to Christ I am no where near there.

I was watching The Incredibles the other week and the daughter Violet had this latent power of being able to make a force field around herself. It was in her, lying almost dormant, but that power was there. When they were in a plane about to be hit by a missile she tried to use that power but since she hadn't exercised it and tested it enough in the past, she was unable to make a force field strong enough to stop the missile so they had to jump out of the plane. Eventually, after trying, she was able to shield her entire family from harm's way when it really counted.

I feel like that is symbolic of God's grace inside of us. When we receive the Eucharist, or even Baptism or Confirmation, inside of us is the power to do anything spiritually because of that grace. But why aren't we all saints? I feel like it is our lack of practice that keeps us from being able to achieve holiness along with a severe mental block. We doubt that God's grace is sufficient and assume we will fall. We doubt our worthiness and therefore, turn our backs on God's Mercy, ashamed.

If we practiced working with that spiritual power a little more, pushed ourselves spiritually, then when it really mattered, when we were really tempted, we would be able to protect ourselves from sin by that grace of God inside us, just like Violet protected her family in the Incredibles by the power inside of her. The greatest power in the world is inside of us, the power of God, and with great power comes great responsibility. We need to tap into the power God has given us and use it to become Super Saints.