Heart on the line

I'm assuming most people with larger families have gotten comments about how many children they have. Being a NFP practicing Catholic I have been prepared for that. It only amazed me that the comments started when I was pregnant with my second.

As I begin to wean Juliette the topic of a third child has come up more than once. And of course it would. We do not use contraceptives to artificially control the size of our family so every, single cycle we have to come together as a couple and decided whether or not we want to add another little blessing to our brood. It's isn't a hassle, not even close to what I imagine comes with remembering to take a pill every day, and in fact it strengthens our marriage and allows us and GOD to be in control of our fertility, not us and our gynocologist.

So I, a woman and a Catholic American, choose to forgo contraceptives and be open to life in my marriage. So why in the world is that so darn offensive to others?

I have found that because I do not take a pill every day (or every month in some cases) that I am looked at by other people as simple, oppressed, neglectful, and to some extremists, downright dangerous.

I adore my children. Adore them. Sometimes it makes me cry to realize that other people, perfect strangers, look at them (probably moreso at my future children since I've had my ecologically and economically responsible two already) and see dollar signs.

I am not walking up to people on the pill and telling them the risks involved, both physically and morally, not to mention the statistics of increased rates of divorce for couples practicing contraception, and getting involved in their family planning.

And yes, there is a difference between that and those of us fighting to protect the unborn children. We are fighting for life, to save those with no voices from death. The people pushing pills on me are fighting to prevent life.

I am a relatively healthy 26 year old woman. I have rough pregnancies, I gain weight, I lose muscle. I give birth, I lose weight, I work out. I am in no danger of death or even significant health issues from being pregnant, although it's entirely likely that I may be confined to a couch towards the end. Somehow though, I think that when my kids look back they won't remember the couple of weeks mommy couldn't chase them at the park but they will have a beautiful sibling who is giving them a lifetime of love instead.

A few weeks, or even months, for a life time of love and friendship? I think it's worth it.

I understand that non-Catholic culture is different. I understand that people worry about my finances and my health. I accept and even appreciate those concerns. My husband and I are adults. We are responsible enough to weigh the pros and cons ourselves and come to our own conclusions.

What if Kyle looses his job? What if the new baby is particularly challenging? What if Juliette does not adapt well? What if, what if, what if....

What if I have another ectopic pregnancy and lose my ability to have children? What if my progesterone continues to get lower with age and I have trouble maintaining pregnancies? Those are the what-ifs I am concerned about.

I grew up in a family with four children. My sisters did more to make me a good person, an intelligent person, a well rounded person, a selfless person, a hard working, and a charitable person than any other areas of my upbringing save my parents and my faith. They are essential parts to who I am today and they are the reasons I want to have a large family.

When I think of raising my children with "all the right advantages for the future" that's what I am thinking about. I'm thinking about Lauren and Hannah and Carly. I can only teach my children so much. They will be able to be witnesses to each other. And to my fellow catechetics majors, "Modern man listens more willingly to witnesses than he does to teachers." (Cite that quote for 1 million fake moneys)

I won't even get into the health risks of the pill in this post, I'm not going to cite Church doctrine, I'm not going to link to articles about how NFP strengthens the family unit. Honestly, I could but I'm not because defending my beliefs isn't the point of this post. I'm trying to defend my right to believe them. It makes sense that my Domestic Church (my family) would feel attacked by our decision to not use contraceptives at the same time the Holy Mother Church is being attacked for her decision that She cannot and will not provide contraceptives in her religious institutions.

Mother Church, I feel very united with you. Your strength gives me the strength to stand firm in my beliefs and to pray through my struggles with how the world perceives me.

My heart was very troubled tonight and I was feeling both sad and anxious. I had been feeling very open to life and lately people have been causing me to doubt, not the wisdom of the Church but my own discernment of my child spacing. I had to stay home with the kids but I kept picturing myself doing what I would have done back at Franciscan. I would have run down to the chapel and just laid at the feet of the altar with my rosary beads and asked Him to take it all. It came time to pray the Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary with my darling husband before he went to bed and, I kid you not, this was the passage for the day.

When a certain anxious person, who often times wavered between hope and fear, once overcome with sadness, threw himself upon the ground in prayer, before one of the altars in the Church and thinking these things in his mind, said "Oh, if I only knew how to persevere," that very instant he heard within him, this heavenly answer: "And if thou didst know this, what would thou do? Do now what you would do, and thou shall be perfectly secure." And immediately being consoled, and comforted, he committed himself to the Divine Will, and his anxious thoughts ceased. He no longer wished for curious things; searching to find out what would happen to him, but studied rather to learn what was the acceptable and perfect will of God for the beginning and the perfection of every good work.
Imitation of Christ, by Thomas á Kempis: Book 1, Chapter 25
On the Fervent Amendment of our Whole Life

I could spend my life wondering what would happen to me if I have another baby or I could be open to life and seek to surrender myself entirely to the perfect will of God. I am secure in entrusting myself and my family to God. It's the only thing that makes sense to me.

Things I have learned about Motherhood

Motherhood has a learning curve. With each child you have you learn more about yourself than you ever imagined. You also learn about your child (I hope). Annnnnd, you learn a lot about others and the world in which we live

1. Not everyone wants to hear about your kids.
BUT WHO CARES! Post about them anyway. The people that aren't your real friends can defriend you or block your feed, whatever! You only have a limited amount of time to brag about your babies firsts and their bowel movements and how cute they are before they get a facebook account of their own and yell at you. Your children are a part of you, my children are my heart. Why wouldn't I want to brag to the world about their cuteness? So if someone gives you grief about how your facebook or twitter has been entirely devoted to your little ones tell Tin Man to get a heart and just keep doing what you are doing.

2. Each kid is different.
I only have two kids and even I know this! Your parenting style should adapt to each special personality. Don't be so set in your ways that you don't recognize the individuality of each child.

3. Calm the heck down.
There is no reason your baby needs to know their ABCs by the time they are two. Do some art projects and play outside. If your kid is advanced, great. If not, don't sweat it. Kids tend to do things at their own pace so don't compare them to other kids and don't push them too hard because YOU think they should be somewhere they are not. If you have concerns, talk to your pediatrician. If he or she assures you that they are on track, listen to them. If they are concerned about anything, don't freak out. Many kids struggle through different developmental stages and they turn out just fine. It's pushing too hard or ignoring problems all together that compounds issues in the future. Love your child where they are and trust your instincts, just not the crazy ones.

4. Laugh at the crazy
There will be nights where both kids are up until one in the morning screaming and running in circles. You are exhausted and ready to put them on the front lawn with a sign that says "Free". Laugh about it. All moms have been there and they can share in your pain. If you let yourself get too stressed you will end up being cranky with the kids and that is no good for anyone.

5. Ask for help
Whether it is your hubby or a baby sitter, your parents or your in laws, don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. It doesn't mean you are a failure, it just means you are tapped out. Take a nap or a date night and forget about the laundry at home. We all need a break at times. Motherhood is the only job you work 24/7, no matter if you stay home all day or go to work as well. Take some time for you and you will be a better mother to your kids.

6. People will think you are wrong.
About EVERYTHING. The nice people make suggestions. Others stick their noses in the air and tell you that if you do/don't get your kid vaccinated, etc that you are a disgrace to motherhood. Honestly, just ignore them. Do your research, talk to your spouse, and make a prayerful decision together. Then stop worrying about what others think. Nobody wants the best for your children more than you so when people try to tell you what to do, it's usually to make themselves feel important. Not to actually help. If they have good advice, don't be so prideful you won't take it but ignore all the negative. And then laugh about it later with your spouse.

7. Pray every day.
It's really the only way to stay sane and it's the only way you will be able to do motherhood right. Our babies are a gift from God and no one knows how to love them better than Him, so just talk to God all the time and let Him lead you.

8. Less is more.
You want your kid to have everything, that is normal. But it's also a pain in the butt to clean up. Limit toys and books, store things you aren't using. For differnt developmental stages I rotate out toys. That way they have new things to explore and learn with and everything they own isn't all over the floor at once. Same with clothes. My kids have a lot more clothing in the smaller sizes than they do in their larger sizes. That's because I finally go just how much money I spent and how little they wore each item. It's cute, but not necessary.

9. Give them siblings
My sisters are so incredibly important to me and the person I have become. Juliette is already Madeleine's best friend. I know some people may not be able to have large families because of health, infertility, or severe money issues, but those things aside nothing is a better gift than a sibling. If I had to make a choice between a fancy vacation, an upgrade to my house or car, jewelry, new electronics, new toys, new clothes for myself or a new baby... I would choose a new baby every time. With that said, spend quality alone time with each child you have and celebrate the gift that THEY are. Don't beat yourself up if you aren't keeping up with the Duggars. I know I won't be! Use NFP and you will be trusting in God's plan for your family. No plan is better than His.

10. Make time for your spouse
You wouldn't even have your babies without him. The happiest children comes from families with happy marriages. You can't have a happy marriage if you don't take time out to spend with each other. Always put your spouse before yourself and look to exemplify a marriage centered on God for the world by loving each other like He loves His Church, so much that He died for it.

That's ten things and I am super tired so I am done for the night. I'm a beginner mommy so I know these things may seem "duh" but the were amazing things for me to learn over these past two and a half years. I am thankful for Kyle and my super awesome and adorable babies to teach me every day. Motherhood has changed me to my very core and made me a better person than I ever dreamed I could be. I still have a looong way to go but I'll have God and my family by my side for the journey so I think I'll get there.

Seven Quick Takes- Maybe if I had more coffee I would be coherent.

1. Juliette Marie will be the death of me. She started walking this week (hooray) and today while we waiting for Kyle to show up she carried a chair around Carters looking for something to climb. I spend most of my day trying to prevent her from diving headfirst off of chairs and couches... or from choking the one small magnet that slip down the fridge to where she could reach it. I'm gonna go grey sooner than I thought.

2. Right now Madeleine is playing with her ABC puzzle, Juliette has climbed up the couch and is leaning over the box with their cardboard blocks in it, removing them one by one and laughing/grunting happily. (Not that I just put them all back in there five minutes ago or anything. Really, that was just a stupid move on my part.) Madeleine looks over periodically, shakes her head, and says, "No Ju-etch. No baby."

3. Madeleine is now interested in TOYS. This means while we shop she reaches over and puts something she wants in the cart. If I take it out, she tells me, "No. Madeleine like (insert toy/movie/sock here)." This makes check out interesting. She places the item on the belt and I stealthily signal to the check out person that said item will not be going home with us. I distract Madeleine with my awesome dance skills or something equally embarrassing to us all and we get out of the store without incident. I know I could explain it to her and just tell her no from the beginning but I'm tired and just want to shop without the screaming. My system works for now.

4. With her new found interest in TOYS, Madeleine requests on a daily basis to go to Toys R Us to play with the trains. She hasn't figured out yet that we can actually buy stuff there so I'm usually good with it. She also has no idea that SANTA is getting her a wooden train set for Christmas! Until then we are making our weekly pilgrimage to visit Tomas and his friends.

5. My kiddos are tough. While we play with the train sets little boys twice their age and size usually show up to do the same and they always try to push my girls around. They hold their ground without pushing back. I am a very proud momma. We need more strong women in this world.

6.I've recently realized the power of phrasing things the right way. For instance, "Madeleine you need to eat your fruit." gets an emphatic, "NOOOOO". However, "Madeleine if you eat your chicken I'll let you have some fruit." gets an "OH YAY MOMMY." I'm hoping I can use this power on Kyle, "Babe if you do the dishes I'll let you sweep the floor!" Brilliant.

7. I'm trying to figure out ways to involve my two year old in Advent this year. I'm praying I come up with something soon... my theology and catechetics degrees should be able to help out with this. I mean, hopefully that knowledge isn't stored in the part of my brain that was wiped out when I gave birth and replaced with Goodnight Moon and every book by Sandra Boynton. Actually, I think that was the "math" and "reasonable hormonal responses" sections so I think we should be good. Advent here we come!

See more at http://www.conversiondiary.com/

What mass is like with kids

Back before I had kids I would see the two year old climbing all over the pew and think to myself, "Horrors! Surely my children will never do such a thing!" or something like that. That makes it sound like I think in "British"... normally my mind is not that proper.

Nowadays when I see a toddler standing on a pew who isn't pelting other parishioners with hymnals I wonder what they have done to get their kid to behave so nicely.

Our real problem is that because of Kyle's schedule we have to go to either the 4:30 Saturday or the 5:00 Sunday mass and that means that we don't even TRY to get the kids down for their naps. The only thing worse than a baby who has not napped is a baby who was from her crib untimely ripped. (five points to anyone who gets the reference.)

So we usually roll into mass about 2 minutes late. We like less that a mile from our parish but even if we left our house at about a half hour before we had to be there we would probably still end up late. I'm convinced our neighborhood has a Bermuda Triangle thing going on.

And of course, because this is Massachusetts and everyone talks "wicked fast" the priest is just about to begin the Gospel.

Madeleine genuflects before entering the pew and I am proud. Super proud. I'm beaming. We sit down, she sits and folds her hands and goes, "Jesus. Hi. Amen." I'm not smiling like the Cheshire Cat. SO CUTE!

Kyle usually starts off holding Juliette and I am trying to explain what is happening in the mass to Madeleine. Everything is quiet for a minute or two. Soon enough however Juliette is squealing so loud I'm convinced no one can hear the lector and Madeleine is crawling under the pew back and forth transporting the hymnals.

Kyle hands Juliette to me. The squealing gets louder. He tried to pick up Madeleine who now is making a fort out of said hymnals. He picks her up and tells her it is time to pray.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kyle heads to the back of the church with her where there is no cry room. She is told she has lost her cookie. I hear her NOOOOOOOOs tapering off as he distracts her. Usually she is trying to wash her hands in the holy water font. I'm down with that.

Meanwhile Juliette realizes that I am holding her but she is not nursing. That won't do. She is pulling at my shirts and head butting me in the chest. Kyle comes back just in time. Madeleine says, "HI MOM! HI BABY!" I hand Juliette over to him who starts teething on his shoulder. Madeleine sits in the pew for about a minute. Then she puts down the foot rest, stands on it, and starts leaning forward into the pew in front of us. Her butt is in the air and she cannot get down.

As I am getting her down Kyle is distracting Juliette with the hymnals. He hands her one and she immediately throws it on the floor and reaches for the next because that is just the stage she is in. Madeleine picks up the hymnal, examines it, and starts pointing and loudly saying, "Jesus mommy! Jesus mommy!"

Luckily for us they are normal very good during, as Madeleine calls it, the "HI JESUS" part. The point where I point up at the Eucharist being held in the hands of the priest and tell Madeleine, "There is Jesus." To which she usually says, in a whisper, "Hi Jesus."

On the way back from communion there are people pointing and smiling at them. Those people have clearly not heard what has been going on in the back of the church.

We get back to our seats and without fail one of us has to take one of them to the back of the church again. This is made particularly tricky if we have arrived late and the person at the end of the row has refused to move in so we were stuck in the middle. Usually by the end of mass they have let us out and back in again so many times that my guess is no "isle seat" is worth that amount of trouble. Or they have peaced out right after communion. Once again, this is Massachusetts.

We stay until the priest has processed back up the isle and head out. We stop at the statue of Mary in front of the church because Madeleine loves Jesus Mommy Hail Mary. It hasn't been a peaceful experience and I didn't have much time for contemplation. However I have the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity inside of me so I know that I am the closest I can possibly be to God.

Being a mom doesn't give a lot of time from prayer but it provides a lot of opportunities to grow in holiness.... even though by the end of mass I am usually more tired then when I hit the gym.

Even through their craziness I see the fruits of taking my children to mass in my day to day life, especially in how Madeleine has grown in her prayer life. And she is only two! It's hard but I certainly wouldn't do it any other way. While my children are young I'll have to remember that even though I don't get long peaceful stretches for prayer that God is still working within me through my husband and children. Putting the needs of my children before my own is part of my vocation and it's by living my vocation in even the smallest details that I will grow closer to God. Outside of receiving the Eucharist nothing revitalizes my faith like loving my family because they are my gift from God and my path to Him as well.

I guess what I am saying is that I will take my time alone with God whenever I can get it, those are essential to restore me for day to day life. However since those moments can be hard to come by I am slowly learning how to make the little moments of life a prayer as well. Dishes, laundry, even peeling Madeleine off of the pew during mass. I'm just thankful for the richness of our faith, the goodness of God, and the vocation of being a wife and mother. Especially to such a holy man and such sweet little girls.

The gift of fertility

Every single cycle it's the same thing. The fear of another ectopic pregnancy, the fear of losing my fertility and never being able to have kids again hits me like a brick wall, a punch to the gut, and it knocks the wind out of me. I become paralyzed by fear and overwhelmed by my lack of control.

I can't even talk. All I can do is say, "Jesus." over and over and over again. He knows what I need.

Women, please cherish and respect you fertility. It is such a precious gift.

NFP in real life

I struggle a lot with Natural Family Planning. Mostly because if situations were perfect I would live in a perpetual state of getting pregnant and popping out babies. I'm not really big on the pregnant part but I am HUGE on the baby part. I get the baby itch soon after they are born (well so far) and then Kyle and I take time to discern and pray before having another.

Right now we are trying to avoid but we spend a lot of time fearing pregnancy. Not because of how we would handle it (I don't want to toot my own horn but I am totally a natural at this whole "being a mom" thing and could easily handle another) but because of what people might think. Sure, we have some friends that wonder why we aren't pregnant again already, God bless them, but we know that there would be many others, family, friends, random people in the grocery store, that would completely disapprove.

We are not avoiding because of them. We are avoiding because of finances and because of my health. As far as the first goes, soon enough Kyle will be an employee of Southwest Airlines, his pay will go up, and we will be able to afford another. I mean, we cloth diaper so that wouldn't cost anything. We nurse, so no money for food. If it's a girl we'd have all the clothes we need and with a boy he would get more spoiled that an heir to the throne in Britain so that's a non issue as well. We have car seats, strollers, and cribs as well. We would need very little. The big issues for us are hospital bills, time off of work, etc. I'd also really like to wait until we wouldn't have three in college at one time.

My health is the real issue. I've had major issues with both of my last two pregnancies (and the ectopic before that as well) and so I need to be stronger so I can be a good mommy to both my babies on the outside and the one on the inside. Last time I barely had the strength to get off the couch many days and I when I get pregnant again I would like to be able to be the mommy they have now, just rounder.

I don't buy into waiting because it's better for my first two girls. They are each other's best friends and another baby would only add to their joy. If I want alone time with any of my kids, Kyle gladly babysits so I can have that special mommy and me time. I don't care about fancy vacations and having all sorts of "me time". That could never bring my husband and I more joy than another baby. Even Kyle, who was terrified of kids at first cannot wait until we feel ready to add to our family. Right now we avoid and take each month to pray and discern. We believe that by using Natural Family Planning we are allowing God to be the true head of our family and know what is best for us. If we get pregnant we pray that the people we know will be excited and supportive because as I said before, pregnancy is hard enough for me.

When I think of having a third child I don't really worry about many of the things I think most people do. What I do worry about is what it would be like to wait too long, to have another ectopic pregnancy, to increase my chance of miscarriage, and to live with the regret of not having been open to all God could have given to my family through another child. I think of the names we have picked out for our future babies, of the moment when I first see the face that goes with that name and hold my child for the first time. I think of all God could do through that child and how that child could be a light in a world that could use a lot more light. Nothing else seems important after that

Controversial or just Catholic

Sometimes I feel a litte bit alone in the world. Most of my decisions about life are controversial. Some of them because they go completely against the grain of what is considered "normal" such as getting married at 21, using Natural Family Planning instead of birth control, being pro-life, being pro-traditional marriage, planning on having many homeschooled babies, and really, basically being an orthodox Catholic. Other things are controversial because the people who disagree with me on them tend to be very opinionated. I vaccinate my children, I love me some epidural, I cloth diaper, I stay at home with my kids all day every day, I don't start potty training until my kids shows signs they are ready, and I let Madeleine watch TV for short periods before she was two. I'm not perfect and I don't pretend to be, but with all that controversy, with people coming at you from all sides telling you what you are doing as a mother/wife/woman etc is wrong, how do you develop convictions and hold to them without attacking others in the same breath?

I want to talk about the controversy caused by the first set of things I discussed, the things that go against the grain of society and not just my close set of friends. I don't believe in moral relativity. Not at all. I believe that when it comes to the important things (such as being pro-life, marriage being between a man and a woman, and not using contraception) there is a right and a wrong and I believe that through the teachings of the Catholic Church, it is very clear. I feel blessed to be brought up in a family that taught me right from wrong. I'm glad that they taught me that the right way isn't always the easy way but that the struggles and sacrifice are always worth it in the end. I know that I have to hold myself up to a higher standard than I do anyone else because I can't call anyone on when I know that I am falling in a similar area. But with moral relativity being so predominant in our culture it seems like there is never a good time to share your beliefs with others. It's considered rude. I don't like people coming up to me telling me what I am doing is wrong and yet I know that I am called to evangelize and many people see evangelization as just being nosy.

This is the conclusion I've come to. I have to let the wisdom of the Catholic Church and the Holy Spirit be my guide and I have to live my life as the best example I can because when worldly ways fail someone they are going to be searching for another way and I want to be a light to show them the path to Christ. I want our family to be a beacon of what the Church is all about and our joy and peace to speak for me. I'll always be willing to give my witness in words... I was in fact a catechetics major, but unless I live a good ife it really won't do any good. So I'm going to be the best Catholic I can be, raise my lovely babies to do the same, and just pray that God will use our example to touch just one person. That would be so wonderful.

My home girl, Mary Magdalene

I was talking to a friend of mine about my devotion to Mary Magdalene on her feast day (July 22nd) and she told me that I should turn it into a blog post. So here it is.

A lot of times life is like one of those three act chick flicks. In life you are born and everything is a-ok and peaceful. In the movie this is generally the very beginning before the main story line begins. Then life happens and whether you lead a sinful life or a average one, you may not have developed a relationship with Christ and the world can seem overwhelming and you want to go back to when times were simple instead of moving forward into the unknown. This is usually the point in the movie when the girl meets the guy and things get confusing and every force possible tries to keep them apart. (Usually we've been introduced to Christ much earlier than we fall in love with him and the world tries to keep us from him. Just thought I'd explain in case you didn't see my crazy analogy) Then there is the third act where we fall in love with Christ for the first time and in the movie the woman and the man get engaged, married, etc. And then the movie just ends.

From this point we are supposed to assume that the couple in the movie stays in love and married but we know that, tragically, in this day in age that usually isn't the case. And likewise we should assume that once Christ comes into our lives that we stay in love with him and follow him everywhere and anywhere. And even more tragically, that usually isn't the case either. However that is the story of my life and I believe the story of Mary Magdalene. Jesus came into Mary Magdalene's life when she was at her worst and the future seemed the most dim. He loved her, changed her, and she was his forever. That is why she followed him to the cross. And her faithfulness is why she was the first he appeared to at the resurrection. A lot of times people don't make it to the cross in marriage and in their journey's with Christ. That is why they never see the resurrection. Mary trusted in the Love that had transformed her and so was able to endure whatever it took to be by Him. From then on, after he was gone, she lived with his Mother and John the Beloved. I'm not sure if it is anywhere near accurate (I don't get to study these things as much as I would like) but in a way I think she is like the first nun. She fell in love with Christ, stood by his side through everything, and after He was gone she lived with two other people who were also clearly celibate. It may not have had the official titles to it that sisters have today, and even if she wasn't even close to being a nun, I see her as a perfect bride for Christ.

I love Mary Magdalene because this is how the story SHOULD go. Our turning points are all different, mine was right before high school, but once we fall in love with God we should stay in love with Him. Obviously major events can happen on our journey, I got married and became a mother, but those events don't start a new story. They just deepen the one we are already in. I love Mary Magdalene because, like me, this is how her story went. She was transformed by Christ and never left his side. I feel a connection with her because she is exactly the type of bride for Christ that I want to be. She's also exactly the type of bride I want to be for Kyle. All my life Mary Magdalene has been an example to me. I feel like we share a similar spirit but she shows me how to use that spirit to grow closer to God and to be holier than I could on my own. My devotion to her is why I named my first daughter Madeleine.

I hope everyone has a saint who can show them how to love Christ but if you don't, I'd recommend Mary Magdalene. She's pretty amazing.

A Little Way and a long way to go

I've spent a lot of time dwelling on St. Therese lately because I have realized how much she has to teach me. Since becoming a mother my desire for holiness had multiplied time and time again and yet my prayer life has been almost completely shot. I am unable to take both kids to daily mass because of Kyle's schedule and the fact that, I humbly admit, I am completely unable to go to mass with both of them on my own. Most days I barely find time to eat or shower. This is why I turn to Saint Therese.

Saint Therese offered up each moment of her life as an offering to God. She looked at every second of every day as an opportunity to grow in holiness and when those moments slipped by, she was heartbroken. Even the simplest of acts was turned into a prayer. While we live very different lives, her as a cloistered Carmelite and myself as a stay-at-home mother, I feel as though this is the exact type of prayer life that would suit my vocation and allow me the chance to grow in holiness.

First of all, I tend to avoid small tasks that are displeasing to me. For instance, today I was at my sister's tennis game and had just sat down with Juliette on my lap to watch the match when my other sister came up to me asking me to go with her to the bathroom. I wanted to say no so badly. I was tired and my legs were sore from the walk I had taken earlier but I remembered Saint Therese saying, "But why be foolish enough to refuse treasures offered so generously?" Those treasures she spoke of were the small opportunities for holiness that people usually pass by or don't even notice. With that in mind I decided to go to the bathroom with her.

Another thing I can learn from Saint Therese is her desire to be small and hidden in Christ. So often I want people to notice me, especially the good things about me. It's even better if they praise me for those things. First of all, I shouldn't desire the praise of anyone besides the Lord and also my husband and kids who are Christ to me on this earth. Any good thing in me, if I look beautiful or tell a good joke or make an intelligent remark, it is all because of the Lord. Instead of wanting people to see me when those things happen I should want them to see through me to Christ in me who is making them happen. The whole of my existence is to love and serve the Lord and in serving the Lord I should be pointing people to Him and not to myself. If someone can look at me and see Christ than I am doing my job. If they see Sarah than I am failing.

The last thing I have been really meditating on about Saint Therese's Little Way is her joy in suffering. While I have no great crosses I have a lot of little ones. It can be tempting to use them to get attention or to just look at them as a burden rather than a blessing. Saint Therese knew that without a cross there was no resurrection and so she embraced and loved her cross until should could "no longer suffer because all suffering is sweet." I have been blessed with so many things, so much more than most people, and it blows my mind every time I think about just how much I have. This just means I really need to embrace my small crosses even more so I can be assured of a resurrection one day for myself.

Reading the writings of Saint Therese reminds me of just how far I have to go but I feel comforted because she gives me little ways to grow closer to Christ that can fit in with my own vocation as a mother. I can offer up my life as a prayer, I can let Christ shine through me instead of desiring to shine on my own, and I can embrace my small crosses. It is a lot more difficult than it sounds but luckily I have and amazing husband to call me on.

The REAL Incredibles

Not sure if anyone besides me can follow my logic but here it goes.

Theoretically, receiving the Eucharist just once should be enough to take us to sainthood. Yet somehow, after countless Sundays of receiving the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity to Christ I am no where near there.

I was watching The Incredibles the other week and the daughter Violet had this latent power of being able to make a force field around herself. It was in her, lying almost dormant, but that power was there. When they were in a plane about to be hit by a missile she tried to use that power but since she hadn't exercised it and tested it enough in the past, she was unable to make a force field strong enough to stop the missile so they had to jump out of the plane. Eventually, after trying, she was able to shield her entire family from harm's way when it really counted.

I feel like that is symbolic of God's grace inside of us. When we receive the Eucharist, or even Baptism or Confirmation, inside of us is the power to do anything spiritually because of that grace. But why aren't we all saints? I feel like it is our lack of practice that keeps us from being able to achieve holiness along with a severe mental block. We doubt that God's grace is sufficient and assume we will fall. We doubt our worthiness and therefore, turn our backs on God's Mercy, ashamed.

If we practiced working with that spiritual power a little more, pushed ourselves spiritually, then when it really mattered, when we were really tempted, we would be able to protect ourselves from sin by that grace of God inside us, just like Violet protected her family in the Incredibles by the power inside of her. The greatest power in the world is inside of us, the power of God, and with great power comes great responsibility. We need to tap into the power God has given us and use it to become Super Saints.

Babies, Babies, Babies oh

There are many days that go by when I have to wonder, why did God trust me to be a mother. I mean, I'm by far not the worst person he could have blessed with children but sometimes I feel wildly inadequate for the vocation I was given.

Being a mom causes me to evaluate myself often and I'm not the type of person who does well looking at her flaws. I'm extremely scrupulous and I beat myself up over everything so a lot of times I try to avoid it. Not the way to get to heaven but it was the only way I found to avoid those nasty tummy aches I got when I realized just how sinful I am and how undeserving I am of God's love and mercy.

Still, God chose to bless me with an amazing husband and two beautiful baby girls. And as I said, being a mom means having to be constantly trying to improve yourself so you can do a better job for your kids. And I suppose that right there is what forces me to do it. I have to do it for my kids and I would do anything for them. Examining my sinfulness becomes something that I want to do. For them. With this new revelation I've found that I spend less time beating myself up over every mistake I make. It's not because I care less but because I can't afford to take time out of loving them to nurture my self pity.

I can still try to atone for my sins but in a much more productive way. Offering up those late nights, the diapers that get all over everything, the tantrums, and the outfits covered in vomit. Even something as small as the dishes becomes a sacrifice. I can do the dishes, which I despise, remembering how I am doing it to serve God and my family. It's not fun but it's infinitely more bearable. I put a placard by my sick with the quote from Mother Theresa that says, "Do small things with great love." because I know that it what my vocation is all about. It is the small things of day to day life that will get me to heaven despite my sinfulness. I'm not perfect but this vocation is giving me so many ways to become like Our Lady and she was.

Tonight my little buddy is sitting on my lap. I would love to be sleeping right now but she wants to snuggle and just be with me. It won't be this way forever, someday she'll be too cool for me, then in college, then married or a nun, and I won't be able to have her sit on my lap and just be. So as much as I would love to sleep, I am enjoying this time.

When I get too down on myself I have to remember the way she loves me. I may not be a perfect mother but my child adores me. She thinks that I am. She doesn't know that I can't sew or sing but she doesn't care. All she cares about is that I love her and that I take care of her, which I do. There is no greater proof to me that I am doing a good job than the smile she gets when she sees me. She knows I love her but she has no idea just how much.

In God's hands

When people used to ask me how many kids I wanted I used to say, "Four." Now, I'm not sure what to say. I'm 25 and have two daughters but that isn't what gives me pause. It's because I have no idea what God's will is for us and I don't want to answer for Him.

Almost a year after Kyle and I got married we were living in his home town of Houston, Texas and I was getting homesick for my family and for the northeast. I wasn't having much luck in the job department either. With a double major in Theology and Catechetics I was obviously looking for something within my field and was coming up with nothing. I spent the first few months of our marriage teaching preschool until I contracted mono and consequently ended up being forced out of that position and took a job at one of my favorite retail chains where I spent more money on clothes than I made.

The whole time a applied for every job within my field that became available but it just wasn't happening. Houston is one of those places where you have to know the right people and we didn't. Fortunately for us, when we decide to look outside of Texas, my mom did. I was hired as a youth minister at a small parish in Massachusetts and we were scheduled to move shortly before our one year anniversary.

With the knowledge on impending employment we decided to be a little bit more relaxed with our practice of NFP and therefore became pregnant right away. Except I didn't know it. I went to a Life Teen training retreat where I thought I got my period but even through that the whole time I had this feeling that something was off. I got home, my period went away, but I continued to have light spotting. After about a week of that we decided to take a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was pregnant but something was wrong.

Blood tests confirmed that my HCG levels were rising but not as they should have and the doctors were unable to locate a baby in my uterus. They told me to wait, I waited a week, and one Saturday night in June I was rushed to the hospital in the most intense pain of my life.

With this ultrasound they found our baby but he was not where he should be. It was an ectopic pregnancy and I was schedule for surgery as soon as possible. We consulted a priest friend of ours who we trust for orthodoxy and prayer and realized the only way this could be done and still preserve the dignity of the life of our unborn child would mean the loss of one of my fallopian tubes. I received the anointing of the sick, made my confession, and stayed a sleepless night in the hospital with my husband and mother-in-law by my side. It was the worst night of my life.

After the surgery I was obviously happy to still be alive but I was broken in every way possible. I was in incredible physical pain and even worse emotional pain. I spent the next week in bed sobbing as Kyle held me and my in-laws packed up our apartment to move. We had lost that first child that we had created and half of my fertility. I had always wanted to have children, for as long as I can remember that is all I wanted to do with my life. I had stuffed pillows in my shirt at two, pretended to breastfeed my stuffed animals at three, played house, thought of names, imagined everything about it and it was like all those dreams were slipping through my fingers. In one night I had to come to terms with my own mortality, I could have died if we hadn't gone in and waited like my doctor had told me to do, and the idea that I could lose my future too.

I went though the stages of grief, one by one. Denial, what I had been in until I was rushed into surgery. Anger, at all of those people who complained about their pregnancies and about their children. Didn't they know how lucky they were? Bargaining, Just give me one baby God. Just one. Depression, that one lasted the longest.

And then finally, one September night, acceptance. It had been months that I couldn't drive past a Babies R Us without tearing up. That night, as I passed it on my way home I decided to pull in. I just needed to be there. As I walked around the isles by myself I prayed and talked to the little baby we had lost. I told him that I loved him and I couldn't wait to meet him someday in heaven and that I wanted him to intercede for us before God so that he could have a sibling.

I don't know if I already was, or if it happened that night, or maybe in the nights that followed, but it was about two weeks later that I took another pregnancy test and it was positive again. That day I knew that God's plan was unfolding in a beautiful way.

My pregnancy was extremely difficult but I made it a point not to complain. See, too many people don't get my happy ending. I have two beautiful babies and so many people never even get one. How can I complain about something so amazing? Motherhood is supposed to challenge us, that's how we become purified for Christ, and why shouldn't it start right at the beginning in our first trimester. I was so thankful for the sickness, I swear I would throw up and just praise God because I couldn't believe that I was having a baby. It was a constant reminder of God's abundant MERCY.

Madeleine was born one year to the day from when we lost our first sweet baby, who I named David. God makes all things new.

There are still times that I mourn for our loss but I know deep down that this is the way God intended it to be. Without that loss I wouldn't have that same appreciation for the difficult times of motherhood, just like without knowledge of our sinfulness we cannot appreciate God's MERCY and forgiveness. We have a child in heaven interceding for us and Madeleine in our arms to show us God's love here on earth.

The other blessing of that time was Kyle. I had obviously been in love with him before, I married him after all, but our love was taken to a whole new level through this trial of faith. Kyle laid down his life to take care of me day after day. He carried me to Christ when he himself was broken by grief. We held each other and learned to trust each other more than we ever had before. I could see Christ in him more clearly and it was so beautiful. That is what marriage is all about. That is why I married that man. So he could be Christ to me.

So when people ask me how many kids I want I have to tell them that it isn't in my hands. I know full well that something could happen and I could not be able to give birth again. I know that I have many fertile years ahead of me and don't exactly have the best grasp on NFP. And I know that God's plan is so much better than mine so I had better trust Him.

For now, I'll enjoy my husband and our two beautiful daughters. I'm not in any rush right now. But I also keep some baby names in the back of my mind... just in case.



Sweet baby David, pray for us.

Mass without children

I'll be completely honest. I can't remember the last time I was really able to focus while at mass. It was difficult enough with just one child but with two, forget it. When Juliette isn't fussing, Madeleine is taking the hymnals out of the pew and throwing them on the floor... and then picking them up... and then throwing them on the floor. I'm always worrying about something and no matter how hard I try it seems like I am never "there" for the whole hour.

My vocation as a mother is making me holier. I still have a long way to go but I can see why God has called me to this life. I am growing in patience and virtue and love and I am learning how to truly lay down my life for others. I remember thinking I was holy, way back when I was a naive single girl with nothing to focus on except my relationship with God. And then I started dating Kyle and realized that the only reason I thought I was holy was because my shortcomings weren't being tested. It's easy, at least for me, to put God above myself. It's much harder to put others above myself as well. Being a wife and my mom, well that's pretty much the job description. I can't succeed at my vocation unless I am willing to be selfless.

With all that said, some days I look back on my time at Franciscan with a wistful sigh. It was beautiful to be able to sign up for a holy hour and attend a mass without having to clear my schedule, make sure my kids are both fed and rested, pack a diaper bag, and somehow manage to get both of them into the building by myself. I mean, I can barely handle it when Kyle is with me to help. Lately I have been craving that alone time with God. It may sound funny, but it's kind of come hand in hand with my obsession with the royal wedding.

God, the KING, has chosen me, a commoner, to be his bride! This wedding between William and Kate is seen as a once and a lifetime thing but in Truth, it happens anytime someone becomes a part of the Catholic Church, the bride of Christ. And like Kate, people are looking at us and we face a lot of scrutiny. People want us to mess up every bit as much as they want us to succeed and we have to be prepared to have our lives looked at with a magnifying glass. Just like Kate is the face of the monarchy during a time when it's future is in jeopardy, we are the face of the Church in a time where it is under such attack. And like Kate is an icon for what she wears, we can set trends by clothing ourselves in virtue, something that is so counter cultural to the world in which we live. If we make living holy lives look good, then maybe we will be the trend setters.

But as I explore my call as God's bride I crave a one on one date with him. I haven't gone out on my own with Kyle since Juliette was born but it's been even longer since Jesus and I have been alone together.

Tonight I drove down to my parent's house with the girls because Kyle had to fly to Houston for the funeral of his Aunt Barbra. My youngest sister, Carly, offered to watch the girls when I got here so I could go to the 7:00 mass. Even though I sat with my sister Hannah and my parents I had an experience with Christ like we were the only two there. My vision of the altar before me was mixed with an image of what mass must have been like when the mass was first celebrated. I could imagine the dirt where the early Christians knelt, the fear of being discovered mixed with the eagerness to take on the crown of martyrdom, and how they must have ached to receive Christ in the Eucharist not knowing when the next time they would be joined in such an intimate way with their bridegroom. The world I knew faded and I was brought into the world as it should be. A world where everything is centered around Christ.

My husband and my daughters are the most precious things on earth to me but Jesus is the most precious thing on earth and in heaven. It's moments like that one that give me the strength for day to day life. The knowledge that even if Jesus and I don't get to be on our own that often that we have a love that will endure by the little moments we get together each day. But I know we both crave those one on one dates, that time away from the rest of the world, where is can just. be. us.

The things I get excited about

So, I'm going to confess to something. I'm not a "Suzy Homemaker" type. I don't enjoy cleaning, I'm not into gardening, and the idea of doing CRAFTS sends me into major panic attacks. But there are things I really enjoy about being a stay at home mom and a home maker.

1. Fresh laundry
2. Cloth diapering
3. Making my own baby food
4. A freshly stocked fridge
5. Taking the kids out for fresh air or a day in Boston
6. Meeting other moms and talking all things baby
7. Killing a meal I've never made before
8. Dance parties
9. My minivan

These are all things that I get absurdly excited about. Some people may think, based on my list, that I live a boring life. But I don't. I am constantly thinking about how blessed I am, how amazing my life is. Not everyone would be ready for marriage at 21 but I was. Not everyone would be ready for kids at 23 but I was. Not everyone would be ready for another baby 17 months later but I was. I love my life and I wouldn't change a thing about it.

So forget that I can't sew and have no desire to try. And once again, I HATE CRAFTS. WITH A PASSION. I love my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything

Why I'm not a fan of how-to blogs

There are so many mom blogs out there and there are so many schools of thought on parenting. Each mom tries, hopefully, to do her best for her kids. She takes the advice of her own mother, books, friends, her pediatrician, and melds them together with her own instincts. Ever since I found out I was pregnant with sweet Madeleine on October 7th, 2008, I have been trying to make my own way. For a while I became overwhelmed by all the different possibilities and paths that motherhood provided. My starting point and ending point would be the goal of getting my child ready for heaven, but I had no idea what would be on that path.

Finding your own way to mother your children is a lot like finding your spirituality. There are so many options, so much wealth from those who have gone before you and done it successfully, and sometimes I felt like I could lose myself along the way if I listened to others to much and didn't trust myself.

There are the essentials in both. Mass, Adoration, Confession, Prayer, Mary, Scripture and Tradition in finding your path to Christ. In Motherhood, love, discipline, food, education. And then there are the things you can do to enhance your spiritual life or your life as a mother. There are rosaries, Liturgy of the Hours, Divine Mercy Chaplets, devotion to certain saints, litanies and other such kinds of prayer. In motherhood there is cosleeping, baby wearing, cloth diapering, homeschooling, play groups, dance lessons, sports teams, etc. And then there is the "type" you fall into. Traditional or Charismatic? Crunchy Granola or Urban Mom on the Go?

So what I end up wondering is at the end of the day, why do we let ourselves be defined and even divided by the non essentials? I am a mom. It's who I am, what I do, what I love. My kids are healthy, happy and thriving. And usually so is my spiritual life. So how come I am judged for what I do or don't do with them? For saying I don't do natural child birth or I plan to home school. For saying that I love praise and worship as well as receiving communion at the altar rail. People seem to take those little differences to dismiss me and other moms. But the thing is, what we can all agree on, is that God is first in our lives. So are our kids. Why can't we be united on that and encourage each other on our separate paths. After all, we may be on different paths but we are hopefully trying to get to the same place; heaven.

I'm not a fan of mom blogs that tell you how to do things, at least tell your how you SHOULD do things, because I believe that God created us each as individuals. I could not be the same mother as you, just as I could not have the same spirituality as you or be married to your husband. One of the glorious things about God is that for as many different souls as He creates, he creates that many paths to Him. On my path to him are my husband and children. I will love them in my own unique way because that is the way he created me to love them. I love advice, I love tips, because we should all want to do our best, but I don't want you to tell me that your way is the only way. For you, maybe. For me, no.

My prayers are with all of my fellow mommies. This job we have is challenging enough on it's own and moms every day can be brought down by the pressures they put on themselves. Let's be a support to each other and not another cross.

Lord, thank you for my precious daughters and for creating me to be their mommy. I will always try to love them with your love and to reflect your mother in all I do.

St Mary Magdalene, pray for us.

Today is the feast day of my patron saint, Mary Magdalene. She has always been an important influence in my faith life. I identify with her, not because I ever had demons cast out of me, but because I have been shown great mercy by God and want to follow Him to the cross, be there for the Resurrection, and remain with him for all of my life like she did.

We named our first daughter Madeleine after her. When I studied abroad in Austria I traveled for a weekend to Paris and visited the Shrine of the Madeleine, a beautiful church in the middle of the city built in her honor. When Kyle and I had a five hour lay over in Paris while I was pregnant with Madeleine, we trained into the city for just a few hours to visit the shrine. Even though I wasn't able to go in I prayed for Madeleine outside of it. I did not know that I was having a little girl at that point but I knew that if it was a girl, I would be putting her under her patronage.

People always comment that we pronounce Madeleine's name wrong for how it is spelled. We pronounce it Mad-el-ine where is should be Mad-el-en. Well, to that I say that I am American. My family came over from England in the early 1600s. It is my birth right to butcher and bastardize other countries names and words especially since France kicked my Hugenot ancestors out of their country and shipped their Protestant butts over to England where they had to change their last name from Petite to Pettit. This is just my little revenge. And I like the pronunciation Mad-el-ine better but we like the spelling we have because it honors her patron saint.

So today, on Saint Mary Magdalene's feast day my daughter and I will be honoring our patroness by lifting up prayers for her intercession before the throne of God and by sharing pop tarts.

Quick, while she's distracted!

These past few days have been insanely busy. We'll start off with the three day trip to my parent's house, the midnight hospital visit as a result of the massive pain I am constantly in being pregnant, and two full days of recoup and cleaning. Not to mention Madeleine's Teething Adventures at Bedtime. I'd be absolutely exhausted if the constant agony in my back and legs wasn't forcing me to stay on the couch at almost all times. Of course, with that said, I am abundantly blessed to be expecting again so creating another baby is worth all the discomfort and stress.

The thing is, being on the couch isn't all that restful. Why? Because I have a one year old hell bent on self destruction, that's why. As I write she is pushing a table across the living room towards the gate. Probably to try to use for climbing. Joy of joys she discovered how to climb this week so I am constantly on full alert, pulling her off of the couch, the chair, the foot rest, the book shelf. The other reason she could be pushing the table is because even though she can walk unassisted she still insists on using a walker at all times and avoiding crawling whenever possible. Plus, as an added bonus, her table plays music so she can push a button and just dance while she pulls every book off the book shelf. I will never be able to complain that I have no entertainment around here. Every second Madeleine is awake is amusing.

And speaking of Madeleine being awake, it is 10:30 and guess who is showing no signs of being ready for a nap? It's MADELEINE!!! My little buddy loves staying up and just hanging with mom. We tried to wake her up early today but she just passed out on the floor so it didn't work too well. Last night she went to bed at 11:00 which was a triumph for me and left my husband completely frazzled. He usually goes to bed by 7:00 for work and so does not have the privilege of wrestling her under her sheets at night. When she does fall asleep though she is the sweetest thing in the world to watch. He eyes start to close slowly, she grips her blanket with both tiny fists, and starts sucking on her pacifier loudly. Sometimes she even snores.

With all the difficulties that come from being a parent of a one year old and 22 weeks pregnant, I really can't complain. Well, I have and I do, but I really shouldn't. Even on the most hectic days when I am in the most pain I am extremely happy. Everything I ever wanted from the time I could dream about my future has come true. I dreamed of marrying a handsome prince (I even named him Kyle in the stories I wrote) and having beautiful children. Kyle is my best friend in the entire world, Madeleine is the light of my life, and Juliette is going to bring even more love into our lives than I could ever dream of.

This past Sunday the readings at mass really spoke to me. The first one was about Sarah being blessed with a child, the second was about redemptive suffering, and the Gospel was about choosing the better part and living a life of prayer. This is what I got from it. I'm blessed to be pregnant again so I should offer up my sufferings and use this time as a time to just be in the presence of the Lord. It sounds like a good plan to me.

Well, Madeleine has ditched her table and is standing next to me smiling. My cue that she wants some mommy snuggle time. Yup, couldn't be more blessed.