I suppose that it is a common theme in Scripture and in life that when the going gets tough, when the lesson is too hard, when the suffering is too unbearable, that one might abandon ship. The rich young man walks away sad, Judas betrays Him with a kiss, Peter denies Him three times, and in John 6 Jesus tells His disciples that is is the Bread of Life, that His flesh is true food and His blood is true drink, and that no one comes to the Father except through Him. Scripture tells us that as a result many of his disciples left him and returned to their former way of life.
Temptations, crisis of faith, hurdles on the path to sainthood mark our path at every step. Sometimes barely noticeable and sometimes as overwhelmingly vast as swimming across an ocean. The past year for me hasn't been the easiest but at every turn I find myself saying to God, "Master to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life."
There are some days when I just sit around and ask God, "Why? Why don't you answer my prayers? Why don't you bring me some relief? Just let me feel Your love and have a moment of understanding about your plan." And in those moments I only feel silence. There is no answer except that I have a cross that I have to carry, even when the load seems unbearable.
But why carry it? Why not throw it down and turn to things that are against my moral code?
To whom else would I go? Jesus alone has the words of eternal life.
With or without loving God, I have a cross I have to carry and sometimes it is a lonely burden. I cry out to God and wait and in those silent moments when I think He isn't speaking, I remember that He is the Bread of Eternal Life and realize that only thing in my life that would truly be unbearable would be to lose my faith.
Even on the most hurried of Sundays, the days when I spend most of mass in the back pacing with the kids, I receive Life within me. And sure, maybe my prayer is for another child but God is bigger than that. Even with an empty womb I can have a full soul. He is the bread of Eternal Life and He has come to dwell in me.
And then I remember the Mercy that is my husband, the holy, loving constant in the emotional storm. Or the miracle of my daughters. Even with my issues, God saw fit to give me two beautiful girls to hold. On the days when I wait for blood results, or drive to another doctors appointment, or are told, yet again, that "this time" they know what is wrong with me" just to be let down, I am not alone. When I remember to look for it, I can see that His love surrounds me constantly.
I'll take my days to be angry, to suffer, to beg and plead with God. I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve and I figure I might as well be honest with the All Knowing One. After all, prayer changes us, not Him.
With or without Him I have my cross but only with Him can I carry it. On my lowest days I can feel Him asking, "Do you also want to leave?" But to leave Him, to abandon my faith, is something I cannot comprehend. There is no other place for me besides with God. The only solution on those days is to pray harder, grow closer, never to walk away. Sometimes it takes forever to try to gather the pieces and utter a prayer, but all I really need is His name. He has the Words of Eternal Life and He will restore mine.
