It's been a while since I have posted. I have an excuse though. This has been an incredibly difficult month for me in regards to my health. After I last posted about my struggle with infertility, I went to see my amazing Napro doctor up here in Massachusetts and we decided that the best course of action to improve my fertility was to get me into surgery. He put me in touch with another amazing Napro doctor in New Jersey and we scheduled the surgery for mid September.
After that it all went to heck.
I won't bore anyone with long stories but after being in and out of the hospital for the past two weeks in terrible, horrible pain... we moved up the surgery to this coming Tuesday.
It was an especially difficult decision to make because the following Saturday is the wedding of my amazing sister-in-law Lainey and I am heartbroken to not be able to attend. Thankfully though Kyle will still be at his sister's wedding while my parents take over care of me for those couple of days.
The outlook is very good. The doctors are reasonably certain that I have endometriosis but since I have been able to have two kids already they are in high hopes that after the surgery it will be gone and I will be able to have more. On top of that, all the pain I have been in for these past few months, even the horrible back pain, should mostly go away. So praise God!
I have an incredible support system. My husband, my parents, my sisters, my in-laws, my friends... everyone seems to be coming out of the woodwork with prayers and love and those who live close to us are bending over backwards to help us out. I feel incredibly blessed. I feel at peace.
Surgery is a scary thing but I have a lot of faith in my doctors, partly because they are excellent and partly because both of them are also men of God and I know that the Divine Physician is leading and guiding them.
God is good to me and I can't complain. I am glad to offer up my suffering for others but I'm also really glad that very soon there will be less suffering to offer up.
And then, of course, I am hoping that there will be some morning sickness to give glory to God for.
No matter what, it is clear that He is in control. I won't surrender to fear and self pity. I am blessed and I am under Our Lady's mantle of protection.
Please pray for me on Tuesday, that the surgery goes well and that the doctor can ready my body to carry life again. Thank you all for your love and support.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
And now for something completely different...
This is a much more serious post than what I am used to writing about. Usually it's something uplifting about my kids or my husband or my vocation. Honestly, I'm not even sure why I am writing about it. About half of you will think this is too personal to share online, forty percent will not get it and think it's not "that bad", and then ten percent of you will cover me in prayer. That's why I writing. I need those "ten percent" prayers. And also, to be honest, I want to be honest. I think I'm just tired about writing around the thing consuming 75 percent of my thoughts. Writing is also healing for me, conquering my fears by putting them in words. And since many of you have asked if I am pregnant again yet...
As most of you know, I lost my first baby four years ago in an ectopic pregnancy. That I have shared before. And many of you have commented on my luck with fertility since then. It's true, to lose a tube and achieve two successful pregnancies essentially back to back is a miracle and I thank God for those miracles every day and then some. Through everything I have not lost sight of how blessed I am.
Still, the ectopic pregnancy has left me with some scars, both physical and emotional, that have been hard to recover from. It has become clear to me at this point that the large family I always dreamed of may not be within my grasp.
To those of you who know the pain of infertility on a much deeper level than myself, you have my deepest sympathy. So many of you carry a much heavier cross than I and I weep with you. I've been able to have two healthy daughters and I in no way take them for granted or believe that I can compare my situation to the pain of never being able to conceive. All I know is the struggle that I have faced in the past twelve months and will continue to face in the years ahead will constantly remind me to keep you in my prayers.
To those of you who take your fertility for granted, please remember that nothing is certain. You may complain about avoiding for now and tomorrow look back with regret. Maybe, maybe not. But please remember that there are people who would love to be in your shoes so please offer up your nausea and sleep deprivation for them.
Infertility if one of those things that people don't want to hear about. Sometimes I wonder if it's because it goes on for so long. In the beginning people just dismiss it and tell you that "everything will be alright" and by the time months and months have passed people are just tired of hearing about it. They think you "talk about it too much" and maybe even judge your faith. You hear "offer it up" and "look on the bright side". Talks of God's will and what else you can accomplish with those nine months it would take you to bear a child. It's not helpful. None of it is. Those of us who struggle generally know that God has a higher purpose and that if we do not understand it in this life, we will finally get it in the next. That doesn't make our heartbreak any less real or our faith any less strong. If anything, those I have witnessed suffer the most tend to be the holiest. Where else do you go when you are lost except to God? I can't pretend to speak for everyone, not even close, but I can speak for myself when I say is that what we need is for someone to say, "Yes. That sucks. I will pray for you." Someone to listen when we call and be with us when we weep.
I don't particularly think my situation is as serious as most, as evidenced by my two beautiful daughters, but after wanting to be pregnant again for almost a year now (a year doesn't that long until you go through it and then it feels like an eternity) and knowing that it has not happened and that I am only 26, I realize that it may also be a much more bumpy road ahead than I had originally thought.
And praise God, right? Because in my suffering I can be more united with him and with Our Lady. Still, it hurts. It hurts so badly that sometimes I can barely breathe. And there are some ladies I know of who have it so much harder than I do. For them I have no words.
If you are uncomfortable with what to say to someone struggling with infertility, I am sure we all know someone, please do not say the following:
"Well isn't pregnancy so hard?"
"Kids are really expensive anyway."
"It will happen. Just have faith."
"Wow it would be crazy if I got pregnant again before you."
"Maybe you should have more sex."
"At least you are able to be there for the kids you already have instead of dealing with another newborn."
"Look on the bright side..."
"I'm sure nothing is wrong."
"Just go have a drink and enjoy not being pregnant."
"Maybe it's a good thing because...."
"If you stop worrying it will just happen."
"At least you already have some kids."
And yes, those are all things that people, with probably the best of intentions, have said to me. And to someone who isn't hurting, most of those sound like legitimate responses. To me it feels more like salt on a wound rather than a band aid or stitches.
Also, please do not complain about your pregnancies or fertility to someone struggling. I know that personally I am always joyful for new life even if it takes me a second to get over my grief for myself. And I would love to hear about your babies and pray for your struggles. Just don't call me to complain.
Just try to be respectful of feelings and when in doubt, offer your prayers and sympathies. You can never go wrong with that. And listening helps too. I figure stuff out by talking it out. In fact, I'm pretty sure that listening to me blab in this blog entry has already shaved some time off of purgatory for you. Congrats. Thank me later. ;)
For all I know I could end up pregnant next month, or in a year, or never. Only God knows. I'm trying to take this all one day at a time and seek councel from a strong, Catholic doctor that understands fertility and respects my faith.
I am filled with joy at God's goodness to me. I have more than I ever dreamed or will ever deserve. I have more than many. But I'm still allowed to say, "Yes. My heart is broken." It's full and broken all at the same time. I'm going to strive to continue to exude joy no matter what happens in the future because God is still good. I hope you will understand my moments of weakness.
So do what you want with this post. I'm expecting the spectrum from eye rolling to sympathy. I just wanted to be honest. We all have our crosses, our struggles, this is mine. I cannot complain but instead want to share my struggle and in humility ask for prayer because I will be much stronger covered in prayer.
As most of you know, I lost my first baby four years ago in an ectopic pregnancy. That I have shared before. And many of you have commented on my luck with fertility since then. It's true, to lose a tube and achieve two successful pregnancies essentially back to back is a miracle and I thank God for those miracles every day and then some. Through everything I have not lost sight of how blessed I am.
Still, the ectopic pregnancy has left me with some scars, both physical and emotional, that have been hard to recover from. It has become clear to me at this point that the large family I always dreamed of may not be within my grasp.
To those of you who know the pain of infertility on a much deeper level than myself, you have my deepest sympathy. So many of you carry a much heavier cross than I and I weep with you. I've been able to have two healthy daughters and I in no way take them for granted or believe that I can compare my situation to the pain of never being able to conceive. All I know is the struggle that I have faced in the past twelve months and will continue to face in the years ahead will constantly remind me to keep you in my prayers.
To those of you who take your fertility for granted, please remember that nothing is certain. You may complain about avoiding for now and tomorrow look back with regret. Maybe, maybe not. But please remember that there are people who would love to be in your shoes so please offer up your nausea and sleep deprivation for them.
Infertility if one of those things that people don't want to hear about. Sometimes I wonder if it's because it goes on for so long. In the beginning people just dismiss it and tell you that "everything will be alright" and by the time months and months have passed people are just tired of hearing about it. They think you "talk about it too much" and maybe even judge your faith. You hear "offer it up" and "look on the bright side". Talks of God's will and what else you can accomplish with those nine months it would take you to bear a child. It's not helpful. None of it is. Those of us who struggle generally know that God has a higher purpose and that if we do not understand it in this life, we will finally get it in the next. That doesn't make our heartbreak any less real or our faith any less strong. If anything, those I have witnessed suffer the most tend to be the holiest. Where else do you go when you are lost except to God? I can't pretend to speak for everyone, not even close, but I can speak for myself when I say is that what we need is for someone to say, "Yes. That sucks. I will pray for you." Someone to listen when we call and be with us when we weep.
I don't particularly think my situation is as serious as most, as evidenced by my two beautiful daughters, but after wanting to be pregnant again for almost a year now (a year doesn't that long until you go through it and then it feels like an eternity) and knowing that it has not happened and that I am only 26, I realize that it may also be a much more bumpy road ahead than I had originally thought.
And praise God, right? Because in my suffering I can be more united with him and with Our Lady. Still, it hurts. It hurts so badly that sometimes I can barely breathe. And there are some ladies I know of who have it so much harder than I do. For them I have no words.
If you are uncomfortable with what to say to someone struggling with infertility, I am sure we all know someone, please do not say the following:
"Well isn't pregnancy so hard?"
"Kids are really expensive anyway."
"It will happen. Just have faith."
"Wow it would be crazy if I got pregnant again before you."
"Maybe you should have more sex."
"At least you are able to be there for the kids you already have instead of dealing with another newborn."
"Look on the bright side..."
"I'm sure nothing is wrong."
"Just go have a drink and enjoy not being pregnant."
"Maybe it's a good thing because...."
"If you stop worrying it will just happen."
"At least you already have some kids."
And yes, those are all things that people, with probably the best of intentions, have said to me. And to someone who isn't hurting, most of those sound like legitimate responses. To me it feels more like salt on a wound rather than a band aid or stitches.
Also, please do not complain about your pregnancies or fertility to someone struggling. I know that personally I am always joyful for new life even if it takes me a second to get over my grief for myself. And I would love to hear about your babies and pray for your struggles. Just don't call me to complain.
Just try to be respectful of feelings and when in doubt, offer your prayers and sympathies. You can never go wrong with that. And listening helps too. I figure stuff out by talking it out. In fact, I'm pretty sure that listening to me blab in this blog entry has already shaved some time off of purgatory for you. Congrats. Thank me later. ;)
For all I know I could end up pregnant next month, or in a year, or never. Only God knows. I'm trying to take this all one day at a time and seek councel from a strong, Catholic doctor that understands fertility and respects my faith.
I am filled with joy at God's goodness to me. I have more than I ever dreamed or will ever deserve. I have more than many. But I'm still allowed to say, "Yes. My heart is broken." It's full and broken all at the same time. I'm going to strive to continue to exude joy no matter what happens in the future because God is still good. I hope you will understand my moments of weakness.
So do what you want with this post. I'm expecting the spectrum from eye rolling to sympathy. I just wanted to be honest. We all have our crosses, our struggles, this is mine. I cannot complain but instead want to share my struggle and in humility ask for prayer because I will be much stronger covered in prayer.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I have girls... not ladies
First of all, a big shout out goes to my friend Lisa who gave birth to her daughter on my anniversary. She is such a dedicated reader that she waiting until my series about my wedding was over to give birth! I also believe that since she gave birth on my anniversary that her baby girl is a gift for me and I am therefore allowed to eat her toes.
But congrats to Lisa! YAY!
At the Behr house we have been having a lot of fun with weddings because mommy had spent a good portion of last week showing Madeleine her wedding photos, listening to my wedding song, and watching my wedding videos. This has led to some very interesting "weddings" around the Behr house. So far Madeleine has married myself, her sister, a dress, a basket, and the table. I'm not sure she "gets" what a wedding is but boy does she love having them. She s my little Elizabeth Taylor.
Meanwhile Juliette has taking to streaking. While she is currently in clothing, I am not expecting this to last long. And then there is her big sister who farts and then says, "Excuse me! My butt burped!" and the laughs hysterically. The doctor did say, "It's a girl!" not "It's a lady!"
The whole "Juliette stripping" thing is apparently taking it's toll on Madeleine's mental health. Yesterday they were in their room cuddling and I could hear Madeleine saying to her sister, "Oh I love you! You are so cute! Let me rub you back! Thank you for your hugs!" So I went into the room and smiled at them and took their picture. I left and only a few minutes later I hear Madeleine saying, "I am losing my mind! Why are you taking your diaper off?" I went back into the room and sure enough, Juliette was diaper-less.
As many of you know, Saturday was our anniversary. To celebrate, I made Kyle a meal fit for a Texan. There was chicken fried chicken, gravy, mashed potatoes, gravy, biscuits, gravy... it was glorious. He bragged that it was some of the best he had ever had which just made me so happy because I wanted it to be perfect for him. I even broke out the fancy china for the occasion.
Today Kyle and I are dropping the girls off at my mom's and heading into New York City for two nights all on our own. We are super excited about it. The girls are too because they know that this means they are going to get spoiled. Madeleine even let me put her hair up this morning and Juliette is giving Saint Joseph a checkup before we leave.
And that is my short, little update. Hope you liked it! I'm sure I will have lots of pictures from New York.
But congrats to Lisa! YAY!
At the Behr house we have been having a lot of fun with weddings because mommy had spent a good portion of last week showing Madeleine her wedding photos, listening to my wedding song, and watching my wedding videos. This has led to some very interesting "weddings" around the Behr house. So far Madeleine has married myself, her sister, a dress, a basket, and the table. I'm not sure she "gets" what a wedding is but boy does she love having them. She s my little Elizabeth Taylor.
Meanwhile Juliette has taking to streaking. While she is currently in clothing, I am not expecting this to last long. And then there is her big sister who farts and then says, "Excuse me! My butt burped!" and the laughs hysterically. The doctor did say, "It's a girl!" not "It's a lady!"
The whole "Juliette stripping" thing is apparently taking it's toll on Madeleine's mental health. Yesterday they were in their room cuddling and I could hear Madeleine saying to her sister, "Oh I love you! You are so cute! Let me rub you back! Thank you for your hugs!" So I went into the room and smiled at them and took their picture. I left and only a few minutes later I hear Madeleine saying, "I am losing my mind! Why are you taking your diaper off?" I went back into the room and sure enough, Juliette was diaper-less.
 |
| Cuddling with her fully clothed sister |
As many of you know, Saturday was our anniversary. To celebrate, I made Kyle a meal fit for a Texan. There was chicken fried chicken, gravy, mashed potatoes, gravy, biscuits, gravy... it was glorious. He bragged that it was some of the best he had ever had which just made me so happy because I wanted it to be perfect for him. I even broke out the fancy china for the occasion.
 |
| Every bit as good as it looked! |
Today Kyle and I are dropping the girls off at my mom's and heading into New York City for two nights all on our own. We are super excited about it. The girls are too because they know that this means they are going to get spoiled. Madeleine even let me put her hair up this morning and Juliette is giving Saint Joseph a checkup before we leave.
 |
| My little doll |
 |
| Oh no! She can't find his heartbeat! |
And that is my short, little update. Hope you liked it! I'm sure I will have lots of pictures from New York.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Sarah and Kyle Part 6- The Life
Fairy tales, romantic comedies, they are all about the story of how the couple comes to fall in love, the trials they face during their relationship, and how they eventually decide that they want to be together. At least in the past these stories and movies have ended with a couple getting married, but too often today they just end with the couple hopping into bed together. Then the picture comes to a close and we are supposed to assume that they have lived happily ever after.
I think that is why we have this attitude that the wedding day is the finish line, the goal. When I was engaged a friend of more told another friend of mine, right in front of me, that at least she still had her "surprise to look forward to"... as if once you know who you are marrying then that is just it for you. No surprises for the married woman.
I was surprised just yesterday. My husband wanted to get my anniversary present a day early and decided to tease his impatient wife by leaving clues and making phone calls saying, "Guess where I am now. I'm in _____ area of Boston. Do you know what stores are there." And, because he knows me, he knew that I would fly to my computer and look up all the stores in that area. By the time he got home I was bouncing off the wall and he had me cover my eyes while he got my present ready. When I opened them he was holding the box that had held my engagement ring and when I opened it there was a ring with my birth stone, which because it is pink also symbolizes the two daughters that I have given him in these five years.
The story of how Kyle and I met and fell in love is a good one. The story of how we grow that love is even better. To say "and they all lived happily ever after" would be to do away with the best part of the story. It's watching Star Wars episodes 1-3 and leaving out the original 4-6.
If you want a good story, something that happens after marriage, let me tell you about the time I found out that I was pregnant with Madeleine. I could write a five part series about that too. Or when I gave birth and saw her little face for the first time and realized how much I loved her. Maybe I could write about when I found out I was pregnant with Juliette and I almost passed out in a Jack in the Box parking lot. Or the little surprises in life, they make great tales too. I could talk about when Kyle brings me home flowers after he knows I have had a hard day. Or when my kids said their first words, took their first steps, the first time Kyle actually managed to put his laundry away.
"They" tell you that planning a wedding is like a marathon, but honestly, it doesn't need to be. Relax and focus your energy into making sure that you are as strong as possible as a couple because LIFE, what happens after the wedding day, makes planning a wedding seem like a leisurly stroll. Life moves fast and you'll want to freeze time and hold onto those moments you will never get back, the days that it's just "you" before kids come, the days you only have one kid to chase after, because the future seems daunting and uncertain. But then your first child is born, the second and you wonder what you were so scared about. It keeps getting better. Why did you ever want to stop time in the first place?
Then, eventually, you learn to sit back and enjoy it because, yes there is stress but there is far more love and joy and if you are blinded by your fears and your ambitions then you won't be able to see the beauty of God's plan unfolding before you.
A real love story looks and sounds like a newlywed's first fight, staying up until three in the morning to talk just because they can, the first time the wife buys plane tickets under her new last name, being gathered around a stick you just peed on to see how many lines are there, calling family to share the good news, the newborn's first screams, the insescant talking of the toddler, the school bus, the sound of the dishwasher running all day every day, finding an old apple inside the play kitchen, the first time your child is rejected and you consider beating up whoever hurt them, being concerned about money, buying a house, losing a job, illness, finding out if the puddle on the carpet is pee or water, finally finding a baby sitter so you can go out, and way too many pictures uploaded on facebook... and those are only the early years. There is still so much more to come.
Five years later I am happier and my life is filled with more love than I ever imagined. There have been struggles along the way before, loss, sickness, and our vows have endured it with the bond between us growing stronger. We know each other better, have learned how to help each other better, understand each other, and give the other person what they need and not what we think they need. We've learned to communicate better. We've gone on some amazing adventures together, birthed two children and lost one other. We have lived an amazing life and it's only been five years.
So what is it to this thought that marriage is the end of the road, that once you get married you are stuck and boring and bored? I honestly have no idea. I haven't had a chance to accomplish and experience even a fourth of what my parents have in their 31 years of marriage but seeing them, the joy of their children getting married and having their grandchildren, I know that there is still so much more to come and none of it would have been possible if five years ago today I hadn't said, "I do."
Kyle, thank you for understanding me and taking the time to look beyond the walls I put up to see the person underneath. Thank you for finding me interesting and listening to my stories. Thank you for putting a ring on it. Thank you for putting another ring on it five years ago today. Thank you for the incredible honeymoon. Thank you for staying at my bedside and praying with me the night we lost our child, for being there when I woke up, for taking care of me in the months that followed with you endless patience. Thank you for moving up to Massachusetts and for being as protective of my sisters as you are of yours. Thank you for always taking my side in public but for talking me down in private and challenging me to grow. Thank you for protecting me from angry secretary lady. Thank you for your joy when we found out that Madeleine was on the way and for cleaning up the floor that time I puked all over it. Thank you for flying out to California when I found out I was pregnat with Juliette to help me on my flights because I felt sick. Thank you for going to McDonald's at midnight that time I was craving chicken. Thank you for being there at both births and just backing off so I could do my thing. Thank you for touching our girls after they came out even though they looked super gross. Thank you for helping me on the late nights. Thank you for working long hours. Thank you for coming home and still playing with the girls and doing the dinner dishes and not just expecting me to serve you because I "stay home all day" but respecting that my job is hard too. Thank you for always telling me what a great job you think I am doing and not picking apart the little things. Thank you for being such an amazing daddy to our girls and not complaining because you want boys. Thank you for being open to life. Thank you for always encouraging me in my faith and for your strong example. Thank you for being the head of our family so I can live in my role as the heart. Thank you for always stepping up, even if it means talking to the people shouting outside our girl's window at midnight. Thank you for waking up at 2:20 every day to go to bed. Thank you for telling me that the hardest part of that is not being able to tuck the girls in at night. Thank you for understanding that sometimes a girl just needs a new pair of shoes. Thank you for taking away the debit card when I'm talking about buying five pairs. Thank you for being the most amazing husband I could ever have imagined.
I couldn't be happier.
Or so I think...
I think that is why we have this attitude that the wedding day is the finish line, the goal. When I was engaged a friend of more told another friend of mine, right in front of me, that at least she still had her "surprise to look forward to"... as if once you know who you are marrying then that is just it for you. No surprises for the married woman.
I was surprised just yesterday. My husband wanted to get my anniversary present a day early and decided to tease his impatient wife by leaving clues and making phone calls saying, "Guess where I am now. I'm in _____ area of Boston. Do you know what stores are there." And, because he knows me, he knew that I would fly to my computer and look up all the stores in that area. By the time he got home I was bouncing off the wall and he had me cover my eyes while he got my present ready. When I opened them he was holding the box that had held my engagement ring and when I opened it there was a ring with my birth stone, which because it is pink also symbolizes the two daughters that I have given him in these five years.
The story of how Kyle and I met and fell in love is a good one. The story of how we grow that love is even better. To say "and they all lived happily ever after" would be to do away with the best part of the story. It's watching Star Wars episodes 1-3 and leaving out the original 4-6.
If you want a good story, something that happens after marriage, let me tell you about the time I found out that I was pregnant with Madeleine. I could write a five part series about that too. Or when I gave birth and saw her little face for the first time and realized how much I loved her. Maybe I could write about when I found out I was pregnant with Juliette and I almost passed out in a Jack in the Box parking lot. Or the little surprises in life, they make great tales too. I could talk about when Kyle brings me home flowers after he knows I have had a hard day. Or when my kids said their first words, took their first steps, the first time Kyle actually managed to put his laundry away.
"They" tell you that planning a wedding is like a marathon, but honestly, it doesn't need to be. Relax and focus your energy into making sure that you are as strong as possible as a couple because LIFE, what happens after the wedding day, makes planning a wedding seem like a leisurly stroll. Life moves fast and you'll want to freeze time and hold onto those moments you will never get back, the days that it's just "you" before kids come, the days you only have one kid to chase after, because the future seems daunting and uncertain. But then your first child is born, the second and you wonder what you were so scared about. It keeps getting better. Why did you ever want to stop time in the first place?
Then, eventually, you learn to sit back and enjoy it because, yes there is stress but there is far more love and joy and if you are blinded by your fears and your ambitions then you won't be able to see the beauty of God's plan unfolding before you.
A real love story looks and sounds like a newlywed's first fight, staying up until three in the morning to talk just because they can, the first time the wife buys plane tickets under her new last name, being gathered around a stick you just peed on to see how many lines are there, calling family to share the good news, the newborn's first screams, the insescant talking of the toddler, the school bus, the sound of the dishwasher running all day every day, finding an old apple inside the play kitchen, the first time your child is rejected and you consider beating up whoever hurt them, being concerned about money, buying a house, losing a job, illness, finding out if the puddle on the carpet is pee or water, finally finding a baby sitter so you can go out, and way too many pictures uploaded on facebook... and those are only the early years. There is still so much more to come.
Five years later I am happier and my life is filled with more love than I ever imagined. There have been struggles along the way before, loss, sickness, and our vows have endured it with the bond between us growing stronger. We know each other better, have learned how to help each other better, understand each other, and give the other person what they need and not what we think they need. We've learned to communicate better. We've gone on some amazing adventures together, birthed two children and lost one other. We have lived an amazing life and it's only been five years.
So what is it to this thought that marriage is the end of the road, that once you get married you are stuck and boring and bored? I honestly have no idea. I haven't had a chance to accomplish and experience even a fourth of what my parents have in their 31 years of marriage but seeing them, the joy of their children getting married and having their grandchildren, I know that there is still so much more to come and none of it would have been possible if five years ago today I hadn't said, "I do."
Kyle, thank you for understanding me and taking the time to look beyond the walls I put up to see the person underneath. Thank you for finding me interesting and listening to my stories. Thank you for putting a ring on it. Thank you for putting another ring on it five years ago today. Thank you for the incredible honeymoon. Thank you for staying at my bedside and praying with me the night we lost our child, for being there when I woke up, for taking care of me in the months that followed with you endless patience. Thank you for moving up to Massachusetts and for being as protective of my sisters as you are of yours. Thank you for always taking my side in public but for talking me down in private and challenging me to grow. Thank you for protecting me from angry secretary lady. Thank you for your joy when we found out that Madeleine was on the way and for cleaning up the floor that time I puked all over it. Thank you for flying out to California when I found out I was pregnat with Juliette to help me on my flights because I felt sick. Thank you for going to McDonald's at midnight that time I was craving chicken. Thank you for being there at both births and just backing off so I could do my thing. Thank you for touching our girls after they came out even though they looked super gross. Thank you for helping me on the late nights. Thank you for working long hours. Thank you for coming home and still playing with the girls and doing the dinner dishes and not just expecting me to serve you because I "stay home all day" but respecting that my job is hard too. Thank you for always telling me what a great job you think I am doing and not picking apart the little things. Thank you for being such an amazing daddy to our girls and not complaining because you want boys. Thank you for being open to life. Thank you for always encouraging me in my faith and for your strong example. Thank you for being the head of our family so I can live in my role as the heart. Thank you for always stepping up, even if it means talking to the people shouting outside our girl's window at midnight. Thank you for waking up at 2:20 every day to go to bed. Thank you for telling me that the hardest part of that is not being able to tuck the girls in at night. Thank you for understanding that sometimes a girl just needs a new pair of shoes. Thank you for taking away the debit card when I'm talking about buying five pairs. Thank you for being the most amazing husband I could ever have imagined.
I couldn't be happier.
Or so I think...
Friday, July 13, 2012
Sarah and Kyle Part 5- The Wedding
A page is turned
in this life, he's making her his wife
And there is no secret to the source of this much life
When the grace that falls like rain is washing them again
Just a chance to somehow rise above this land
And there is no secret to the source of this much life
When the grace that falls like rain is washing them again
Just a chance to somehow rise above this land
Where the God of
second chance
Will pick them up and he'll let them dance
Through a world that is not kind
And all this time, they're sharing with the one
That holds them up when they come undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And once again, here you stand
And once again, here you stand
Your day has come
Will pick them up and he'll let them dance
Through a world that is not kind
And all this time, they're sharing with the one
That holds them up when they come undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And once again, here you stand
And once again, here you stand
Your day has come
Bebo Norman- "A Page is Turned"
I've been wondering all day how I was going to write this post. I cannot tell the story of my wedding like I did all the others. Some things are just so perfect that words cannot express them. A scent, a sound, a fluttering of emotion, a profound peace, overwhelming joy, love, light... when I remember my wedding day it doesn't come to me in the form of a story, it's more of a joyful melody that plays in my soul. What was two has now been made one. The heavens are telling the glory of God!
All my life I had dreamed of my wedding day and had tried to imagine what it would be like, what it would feel like, who would be my bridesmaids, what flowers I would carry, and how I would look in my dress and my veil. Same as any young girl I would try as well to picture the groom as well. I wondered who he was, where he was, and how we would find each other. What our story would be.
Since I did not know "our story" already, I would get on my family's computer and write one out, a fairy tale about a beautiful blonde princess and her handsome prince.
Before I got married I was packing up boxes in my parent's attic to take with me to Texas and I found one. The beautiful princess had been in distress, under attack, when the handsome prince swooped in and fell in love with her and married her. In this story I had written, way back when I was only twelve years old, the prince was named Kyle. In fact, in every story I had ever written, the prince was named Kyle.
You could probably say that I picked that name just because I liked it. I had heard it around my neighborhood and fell in love. I like to think that the God who knew me and loved me before time had written that name on my heart so I could know and love Kyle before I ever even knew he existed.
There are no dragons or evil witches in my tale for me to be saved from. Still Kyle saved me from a life of selfishness. His love for me inspires me to cast out sin from my life and love more ardently, selflessly, and completely. By choosing to marry him I was able to learn to put others before myself and to love until it hurts. As Mother Theresa says, "I have found the paradox. That if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." Opening yourself up completely to someone can be frightening, it can make you feel vulnerable, but when you find someone who loves you, respects you, would die for you, it only opens you up to more joy than you ever thought possible.
I am no helpless little princess, I am strong because I am able to open myself up to love. I could have a mediocre life on my own, I would be fine, but I instead have a great and wonderful life with my husband at my side.
And so on July 14th, 2007 I chose to spend the rest of my life with Kyle. When the bridesmaids had processed down the isle and the Ave Maria wafted down from the choir loft, I held the arm of my father and walked with the sunlight streaming in behind me towards a future that I was confident would bring me happiness and holiness... would bring me to God. At the end of the isle, my father placed my hand into the hand of my fiancee. It symbolized that he, my father, had brought me this close to God, but, as we would soon take the next steps towards the altar together, Kyle would bring me further, closer.
Standing behind us, filling the pews of the church that had held the wedding of my parents and where I had receive all of my Sacraments, were many of the people who had shaped us and formed us into the two, strong individuals we were right then. They had loved us and led us, held us in our suffering and rejoiced with us in our triumph. Now they were there to witness the beginning of our new life as one person. Before these people and before God we promised true to each other in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health and to love and honor each other all the days of our lives. Then we placed rings on each other in a sign of our love and fidelity, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
And with those vows were were transformed, as Father Michael said in his homily, uniquely and completely, from two individuals into one union before Him, before the Church, and before the world. And then Kyle kissed his bride.
The celebration that followed was, in a word, epic... although I feel like most of us feel that was about the celebration following our weddings. After months of planning it was perfect to be able to kick back and dance and sing and rejoice. As our wedding song said, the God of second chance did indeed allow us to dance... boy did we dance. And life couldn't get any better.
Or so I thought...
And now a whole lot of wedding footage!!!!!!!!!!
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| Bachelorette Party- bride and MOH |
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| The girls! |
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| Why yes I am wearing a tiara! |
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| Not sure why I am posed like that but everyone else looked awesome |
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| Some love from my favorite girls |
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| Crying already, dad trying to calm me down. It's only the rehearsal |
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| My awesome hat |
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| Coming into the church on the arm of my father |
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| Our vows |
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| Kissy, kissy |
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| My Life, my Lord, my Love, my heart's desire. |
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| Leaving as husband and wife |
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| We are so, so in love. |
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| The whole bridal party |
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| The Groomsmen |
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| With my parents |
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| My daddy's side of the family |
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| I'm like, "HOWDY!" and Kyle is probably laughing at me. |
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| Not sure what this is all about, I'm either dancing or leading the wedding guests to revolt |
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| Scary, I know... I wanted cake. |
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| Dancing with my daddy <3 |
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| The Apprentices... serenading me? |
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| They all danced around us like a tribal circle with techno music |
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| Love of the Lamb |
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| Leaving the reception |
...
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Sarah and Kyle Part 4- The Engagement
Beneath the air of autumn, she took him by his hand
And warm within the ardor, she took his heart instead
And high upon the mountain, he asked her for her hand
Just for her hand
And warm within the ardor, she took his heart instead
And high upon the mountain, he asked her for her hand
Just for her hand
Bebo Norman- "A Page is Turned"
It was the fall of my junior year and Kyle and I had discussed and prayed about marriage and had reached the conclusion that this was, in fact, our vocation. Kyle had taken my dad aside during Parent's Weekend in early fall and gotten his blessing again, this time to ask me to be his wife. During a trip to Houston to visit Kyle's family together we had visited Kyle's family jeweler and worked together to design a ring. It was perfect. Now I just had to wait for it to be ready and for Kyle to pick a time to propose.
All around me people we getting engaged. I would call my mom to talk about when my turn would be and she would say, "Just be patient. God and Kyle have your perfect moment planned." Then one fine fall day in November Kyle showed up at my dorm to pick me up for an off campus mass. He was on the phone and as I tried to approach the door he waved me away. Immediately I went around the corner to where he could not see me and began bouncing around, "I'm getting engaged! I'm getting engaged!" I figured that it MUST be the jeweler on the phone telling him the ring was ready. After all, household date night was the next day and we were, once again, headed to Light It Up night in Pittsburgh.
The next day I watched to see if he left campus for any extended period of time. He didn't. Or so I thought. Turns out he had skipped class without my noticing and had gone while I was in mine. Sneaky, sneaky man.
He picked me up that night and I could tell he was a bit... off? I started to get my hopes up again and I excitedly skipped off to his car. We were going to dinner in downtown Pittsburgh by ourselves and meeting up with the rest of my household and their dates later.
When we got to the restaurant Kyle was acting REALLY WEIRD. For instance, he refused to give the hostess his coat. He also took his coat with him every time he went to the bathroom. And that night he went to the bathroom at least three times (which I learned later was when he was calling his household brothers, but more about that later.) During one trip to the bathroom I pulled out my cell phone and called my sister. I told her, "Lauren... I THINK IT'S TONIGHT." She started squeeling and went off to pray for me.
After the meal was over, Kyle told me he thought it would be nice if we stopped off at Saint Mary's on the Mount first. It was a little Catholic church on top of a cliff overlooking the city of Pittsburgh. We had gone their often to pray when our dates had taken us into the city. Besides being beautiful, there was a specific reason he had chosen this church in particular.
When we had started dating I had bought him The Jeweler's Shop by Karol Wvotilja (later known as John Paul II). It was, as described in the intoduction, a meditation on marriage in the form of a play, and it was one of my favorite books. "Study this." I had told him, "if you even think you might want to marry me someday." Flash forward months later and we were praying in the St Marys on the MOunt. At night they kept the church opened but only the back foyer which was seperated from the main part of the church by a big glass wall and a door. The kneelers were behind the glass wall so people could pray there at night and see the Tabernacle. That night I had commented to him, "This reminds me of the Jeweler's Shop, the part when Theresa and Andrew had approached the jeweler's shop together to pick out their rings and they had paused at the window and noticed that while they could see their own reflections in the window they could also look through and see the jeweler, who represented God, as well. Here we are and I can see our reflection in this glass wall but I can also see the Tabernacle which holds the True Presence of Christ." He told me later than he knew then and there that this would be where he proposed.
As we pulled up to the church there was magically a spot right in front but what I noticed were the candles lining the stairs to the church and the statues of Mary and Joseph on either side of the door. I started to shake like a leaf as he took my hand and led me up the stairs. Inside the room was filled with more candles and rose petals were everywhere covering the entire floor. He took a small box out of his pocket and dropped to his knee.
Sarah, I pledge my life to you. Will you be my life's companion?
He had even used part of the proposal from the book because I had talked about how perfect those word's expressed marriage to my heart.
I ripped the glove off my hand and said, "YES!" And then started to grab the ring. Then I said, "No you do it!" and he slipped the ring on my finger and stood up to kiss me.
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| The joy and the love! |
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| The BLING! |
We walked out of the church hand in hand and there were fireworks and crowds of creaming and clapping people. I'm not even kidding. There were fireworks going off and an entire youth group of hundreds of teenagers were outside cheering. Kyle's household brothers were waiting around the corner because they had been there to set the entire room up and I hugged and thanked each of them. We then took off to find my household sisters and slow off my new BLING!
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| The Ice Skating Rink where it all began |
When we got back that night Kyle dropped me off at my sister's dorm (she was a college freshman) and I dropped to my knee and asked her to be my Maid of Honor. Kyle took off for bed as the two of us girls started to plan the wedding.
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| Celebrating with my little sister, my maid of honor! |
We set a date nine months away and began to plan, not as much for the wedding for our life together. A wedding is one day but a marriage is a lifetime and we realized that preparing for this should be our top priority. We took Natural Family Planning classes, Marriage Prep, and made plans for the future. We grew in our relationships and individually as God used this time to shape and mold us into people who could share in a journey that will hopefully lead each of us to heaven someday. We fell deeper in love. Still it seemed like our wedding day would never come.
Or so I thought...
A little less boring update about the Behr Cave
So the past few days have been amazingly fun!
First of all, thank you to all of you who are reading my "mini series" about Kyle and I. I am so glad so many of you are enjoying it! I am overwhelmed by how many people have reached out to me to express how much they are enjoying it! Such a blessing!
Anyway, this week has been awesome so far and it will only get better! My little sister (who just celebrated her first anniversary!) flew into Boston yesterday and despite being exhausted from working without a single day off, my darling husband offered to watch the girls so we could have some sister time. It was so wonderful to be able to go out and talk and laugh and be adults together. I tried to explain to Madeleine that her Auntie Lauren is my little sister just like Juliette is her's and she seemed utterly amazed by it all.
While we were out getting groceries this morning (yes I make my sister run errands with me! My back hurts and she helped me lift stuff!) Kyle decided to take the girls to the park. He gathered them up and said, "Okay girls, we are going someplace special! Can you guess where?" Madeleine replied, "We are going SHOPPING!" Kyle said, "No. No we are not going shopping." Madeleine paused and then carefully offered, "Sometimes we go to Starbucks." Kyle said after that conversation he made a mental note to scold me for corrupting our children later.
At the park a little girl around the age of five ran up to Madeleine and excitedly asked her if she wanted to play. Kyle says Madeleine looked at her, and then at him, and then at her, and then at him, and then pointed to her and said, "LOOK DADDY A FRIEND!" and ran off after her. Juliette tried to chase them down but couldn't keep up, stopped in her tracks, and screamed pathetically, "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" Poor little baby!
Juliette is such a different person then her calm, quiet older sister. She walks around the house all day singing, "HAPPY BABY! HAPPY BABY!" While Madeleine is literally scared of ants, Juliette tries to ride dogs no matter the size. Juliette's first sentence was, "Happy baby pooped!" which she said while lying butt naked on the floor of the kitchen with her legs in the air, ready for a change. The kid lives for naked time. They are both so different but so amazingly sweet and wonderful and bring so much LIFE into my life.
We dropped Lauren off with my mom today and headed back for home. We were supposed to bring the super, cool birthday presents they had made for Auntie Lauren and Grandmom but we forgot them. However, I did remember to take pictures!
Tomorrow my good friend from high school is coming up for a visit and my anniversary is Saturday! Great times to come and stay tuned for part four which will post at midnight!
First of all, thank you to all of you who are reading my "mini series" about Kyle and I. I am so glad so many of you are enjoying it! I am overwhelmed by how many people have reached out to me to express how much they are enjoying it! Such a blessing!
Anyway, this week has been awesome so far and it will only get better! My little sister (who just celebrated her first anniversary!) flew into Boston yesterday and despite being exhausted from working without a single day off, my darling husband offered to watch the girls so we could have some sister time. It was so wonderful to be able to go out and talk and laugh and be adults together. I tried to explain to Madeleine that her Auntie Lauren is my little sister just like Juliette is her's and she seemed utterly amazed by it all.
While we were out getting groceries this morning (yes I make my sister run errands with me! My back hurts and she helped me lift stuff!) Kyle decided to take the girls to the park. He gathered them up and said, "Okay girls, we are going someplace special! Can you guess where?" Madeleine replied, "We are going SHOPPING!" Kyle said, "No. No we are not going shopping." Madeleine paused and then carefully offered, "Sometimes we go to Starbucks." Kyle said after that conversation he made a mental note to scold me for corrupting our children later.
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| We do go to Starbucks though! This is Hipster Madeleine. |
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| This is Hipster Juliette. |
At the park a little girl around the age of five ran up to Madeleine and excitedly asked her if she wanted to play. Kyle says Madeleine looked at her, and then at him, and then at her, and then at him, and then pointed to her and said, "LOOK DADDY A FRIEND!" and ran off after her. Juliette tried to chase them down but couldn't keep up, stopped in her tracks, and screamed pathetically, "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" Poor little baby!
Juliette is such a different person then her calm, quiet older sister. She walks around the house all day singing, "HAPPY BABY! HAPPY BABY!" While Madeleine is literally scared of ants, Juliette tries to ride dogs no matter the size. Juliette's first sentence was, "Happy baby pooped!" which she said while lying butt naked on the floor of the kitchen with her legs in the air, ready for a change. The kid lives for naked time. They are both so different but so amazingly sweet and wonderful and bring so much LIFE into my life.
We dropped Lauren off with my mom today and headed back for home. We were supposed to bring the super, cool birthday presents they had made for Auntie Lauren and Grandmom but we forgot them. However, I did remember to take pictures!
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| Green for Grandmom |
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| Red for Auntie Lauren |
Tomorrow my good friend from high school is coming up for a visit and my anniversary is Saturday! Great times to come and stay tuned for part four which will post at midnight!
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