Letter to a Princess Phone Toddler

Dear Princess Phone Toddler,

I see you over there, playing on the princess phone that your mom got you at Target, pretending to talk to Grandmom. What you don't see is that your mommy is trying to get your attention.

She is riding a tiny tricycle but you don't look up. You are off in a world of your own imagination, probably telling Grandmom how embarrassing of a daughter she birthed. Your mom looks so impressed with herself but you don't see her.

You father wants to play catch but you just sit there in your toy house pretending to serve up ice cream made of grass. You don't notice as his face falls when he throws the blue bouncy ball and no one runs after it except for the dog.

I know this is the only time I have ever seen you, but some deep dissatisfaction in my own life leads me to judge you.

I don't know about the times you climb on your parents laps and let them read to you for forty-five minutes straight even though you'd rather be climbing the bookshelf of dumping toys in the toilet. I don't know about that hour you spent building the same Lego tower over and over again because it makes daddy so happy. I'm not there so I don't know.

You spend a lot of time entertaining your parents. Being an adorable toddler, well, everyone wants a piece of you. It is a 24/7 job. All you want is 15 minutes to yourself to talk to Grandmom on the princess phone and not have people picking you up and pinching you and kissing your cheeks. This is why you bring your parents to the park, for the fresh air and socialization opportunities.

You are a good daughter. You sacrifice a lot for your parents. Your days completely center around them. However, I don't know about that so I am going to assume the worst. Stop ignoring your parents all day ever day. Judgement.

Love,
The stranger at the park who has been watching you for some reason for a good half hour and clearly either ignoring her own kids or just there to watch people which is kind of creepy if you think about it.

It's wine o'clock on a Tuesday

Kyle comes home from his business trip tomorrow! Woooooooohooooo!

I haven't updated this blog in a while but in December Kyle began working for Southwest Airlines in Providence and we bought a house and moved to Warwick. It's awesome. I love being a homeowner!

And I love my house. I'm determined to "young house love" the crud out of it. Kyle will tell you, all my "blow money" and free time go to decorating, researching, and planning what I want to do with each room. It keeps my mind off the whole "not being pregnant" thing.

Which, by the way, is why I wasn't blogging. Project número one was getting my head on straight and growing closer to The Lord in the midst of the mind blowing disappointment and heart break that is "secondary infertility".

But hey, I can drink wine. I don't drink often at all but tonight I decided to stop by the package store on my way home and grab some vino. (For those of you not from New England, package store = liquor store.) And then I composed a tune to pump myself up.

It's wine o'clock on a Tuesday.
The little ones are in bed.
There's a pile of clothes sitting next to me.
But I think I'll start drinking instead.

I said, "Hun could you bring me some Chardonnay?"
I know that you prefer beer.
But it's been a long day, and I was just thinking, "Hey.
I would prefer to keep sitting right here."

I'm really proud of that ditty.

But seriously, despite the hardships, life is utterly joyful. I have hard days but mostly I am overwhelmingly thankful for the blessings in my life.

We love living in Rhode Island. The closest beach is walking distance from our house and our yard smells like ocean. Madeleine goes to an amazing Catholic school and our parish and parish priest are UN FREAKING BELIEVABLE. Truly.

But tonight I will have a (small) toast to me. I made it through the past three weeks, the move, so many health issues. I'm better than ever. God is closer than ever.

And I'm feeeeeeeeeling gooooooooooooood.

Beauty changes the world.

Let me get right into it. Victoria's Secret did not single handedly destroy culture and turn women into half naked tooth picks. Now, I have issues with Victoria's Secret but it has far more to do with what their models are wearing then what they look like.

I know many naturally thin women. And when I say "naturally" I mean they eat candy and pasta and don't weigh more then 110 lbs. I know women of all shapes and sizes. Yes, I believe that it's insane that the modeling industry thinks that only women who are a size two and under are beautiful but I don't fault the women who are that size. What I find issue with is HOW LITTLE THEY ARE WEARING.

And it isn't all Victoria's Secret's fault. The world changed when sex became a commodity rather then a sacred act between a married man and women. Women (and men) became objects to be lusted over rather then people deserving of the whole gift of self given within a holy and loving sacramental marriage.

Women became commodities when sex no longer became associated with motherhood. Sex got stripped from motherhood with Roe v Wade when the creation of new life went from the purpose of sex to an unwelcome consequence. About a year ago a was reading an episode recap from The Office where some people were commenting that Jim should have cheated on his wife Pam because she hadn't lost her baby weight and that his infidelity would "teach her to let herself go". So now we have a generation or two of women who believe that they have a month, maybe two, to lose their baby weight so their husband will still find them attractive.

The models do it, sure. But do you know what goes into their weight loss regiment? Lets just say their isn't much time for them to sit and enjoy their sweet, velvety newborns. I see people online getting competitive about how quickly they can fit into their pre pregnancy pants. That should be the least of our concerns as a new mother and yet, we all worry about it. I sure did. And let's be honest, for most of us, when we lose the weight, we don't actually look the same again. To take it even further, I've heard women say that they don't ever want to get pregnant because they don't want to "lose their bodies". How has culture gotten so far out of hand that women fear motherhood because of their looks? As I have said, we all struggle with vanity in our own ways.

It's not just the curse of mothers either.

Every year prom dresses get more and more immodest, shorts get shorter, bikinis get smaller. Now there is a line of lingerie for middle schoolers. People wonder when it all went so wrong.

Women are over sexualized because in today's culture, sexy and beautiful are interchangeable adjectives.

Sexy is something that reminds you of sex.

Beauty is something that reminds you of God.

They are NOT the same thing.

When you look at the ocean, it is beautiful. When you see a mountain, it is beautiful. The Grand Canyon is beautiful, a sunset is beautiful. And women... We are created to make all of that look like the drawing of a four year old in comparison. There is a reason God created men to be visual creature. Our beauty is supposed to be part of what inspires them to holiness.

However when we focus so much on being sexy, it creates just the opposite effect. It does not help their souls and it does not help ours.

With so much focus on the physical, what can we even do to change it?

I believe that, first of all, as women we take some responsibility. We stop dressing and acting immodestly. We keep our words and actions pure. We pray more and we ask for the intercession of Our Lady to guide us. We don't make excuses. We treat our bodies as temples and try to stay healthy, this means we watch if we are getting too over weight of two under weight as well. Everyone has the place where they are healthy. Don't kill yourself, but try to stay healthy. Your kids and spouse deserve that. However, remember that it is not about a size. It is about health.

If you think a friend is struggling with an eating disorder, talk to a counselor and get her help. Eating disorders can be life threatening and often there is something much deeper going on then a desire to lose weight.

Then we need our men to step up too. Our sons and daughters need to see their fathers adoring their wives. Right after she has given birth, tell her she is beautiful. Tell her every day. Tell her in front of your kids. Girls learn how they deserve to be treated from their fathers. Boys learn how to treat women from you as well. Support your wife. Watch the kids so she can get to the gym, have family meals, let her buy something that makes her feel pretty, bring her home flowers. If your wife feels like she disgusts you she is likely to give up. It's hard to feel beautiful when you spend your days wiping other people's butts. Let her know that she still is.

Pay attention to your daughters as well. There is only a short time when they are in your home. Teach them about what true beauty is. Let the bikini stay at Target. Keep the short dress in Kohl's. Give them freedom but also give them boundaries and talk to them. They are more likely to confide in you if you have a relationship beyond rules. They are also more likely to confide in you if you actually act like a parent instead of trying to be their BFF.

I think this world change starts at home. I don't expect Victorias Secret to change their ways anytime soon but I am going to teach my daughters what beauty is anyway. I am going to teach them to be selfless, generous, loving, kind, honest, patient, and good. I am going to teach them that God loves them and that they were created in His likeness and image. I am going to teach them that physical beauty is not everything but it is a gift and shouldn't be squandered. I am going to let my husband teach them that they deserve to be treated with love and respect and that they deserve a spouse who will bring them closer to God instead of taking them further away,

I don't have delusions about perfection. I have hope in the Lord and a deep respect for Beauty. I'm going to start this revolution at home. Beauty can change the world.

"Master to Whom Shall we Go"

I suppose that it is a common theme in Scripture and in life that when the going gets tough, when the lesson is too hard, when the suffering is too unbearable, that one might abandon ship. The rich young man walks away sad, Judas betrays Him with a kiss, Peter denies Him three times, and in John 6 Jesus tells His disciples that is is the Bread of Life, that His flesh is true food and His blood is true drink, and that no one comes to the Father except through Him. Scripture tells us that as a result many of his disciples left him and returned to their former way of life.

Temptations, crisis of faith, hurdles on the path to sainthood mark our path at every step. Sometimes barely noticeable and sometimes as overwhelmingly vast as swimming across an ocean. The past year for me hasn't been the easiest but at every turn I find myself saying to God, "Master to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life."

There are some days when I just sit around and ask God, "Why? Why don't you answer my prayers? Why don't you bring me some relief? Just let me feel Your love and have a moment of understanding about your plan." And in those moments I only feel silence. There is no answer except that I have a cross that I have to carry, even when the load seems unbearable.

But why carry it? Why not throw it down and turn to things that are against my moral code?

To whom else would I go? Jesus alone has the words of eternal life.

With or without loving God, I have a cross I have to carry and sometimes it is a lonely burden. I cry out to God and wait and in those silent moments when I think He isn't speaking, I remember that He is the Bread of Eternal Life and realize that only thing in my life that would truly be unbearable would be to lose my faith.

Even on the most hurried of Sundays, the days when I spend most of mass in the back pacing with the kids, I receive Life within me. And sure, maybe my prayer is for another child but God is bigger than that. Even with an empty womb I can have a full soul. He is the bread of Eternal Life and He has come to dwell in me.

And then I remember the Mercy that is my husband, the holy, loving constant in the emotional storm. Or the miracle of my daughters. Even with my issues, God saw fit to give me two beautiful girls to hold. On the days when I wait for blood results, or drive to another doctors appointment, or are told, yet again, that "this time" they know what is wrong with me" just to be let down, I am not alone. When I remember to look for it, I can see that His love surrounds me constantly.

I'll take my days to be angry, to suffer, to beg and plead with God. I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve and I figure I might as well be honest with the All Knowing One. After all, prayer changes us, not Him.

With or without Him I have my cross but only with Him can I carry it. On my lowest days I can feel Him asking, "Do you also want to leave?" But to leave Him, to abandon my faith, is something I cannot comprehend. There is no other place for me besides with God. The only solution on those days is to pray harder, grow closer, never to walk away. Sometimes it takes forever to try to gather the pieces and utter a prayer, but all I really need is His name. He has the Words of Eternal Life and He will restore mine.

With her sassy pants on

When today started off I honestly should have known that it would be one of those days...

I woke up after having gotten maybe five hours of sleep and was immediately thrown into the impossible task of waking up the sleeping beasts. At night, when they are all sweet and innocent they are my sleeping beauties. Morning... beasts. Just like mommy.

But we had ballet and Madeleine had to wear clothes and she did NOT want to wake up and she did NOT want to wear clothes and she did NOT want to leave the house. Somehow though the three of us made it out and over the ballet studio. Late. Of course.

Although she spent the first ten minutes attached to my leg, everything changed when the teacher brought out magic wands for the girls to dance with. Suddenly Madeleine was transformed from shy three year old to graceful princess... at least in her own mind. After that she was front and center, attentive, while her sister looked on, swept up and filled with the same awe I felt the first time I went to the Nutcracker.

We left after it was all finished, twirling through the hallways and out to the car. And then it all just fell apart. All of us overtired, two thirds of us tired, and one third of us... wearing sassy pants.

I want to know WHO EXACTLY bought Madeleine her own super special pair of sassy pants recently because hooooooo boy has she been strutting around in them. 

These are two of the conversations we had today:

Madeleine- Mommy, I want some ice cream.
Me- No Madeleine, we are not having ice cream right now.
Madeleine- Well that is a bad choice.

Me- Madeleine, it is time for prayers.
Madeleine- First we will do prayers, then I will get medicine.
Me- No, you do not need medicine. You are not sick.
Madeleine- Those are my rules.

I mean REALLY. I thought kids were supposed to at least hit puberty before they became teenagers.

But seriously, usually Madeleine is a really sweet kid. Today was a hard day.

And she was not the only Behr baby to be put in the corner. "Nobody puts baby in the corner!" Think again. My twenty-one month old is well aquainted with it. My favorite story of Juliette today was when Madeleine was quietly constructing a house out of boxes. Juliette came over and Madeleine begged her not to touch it. She pushed it over and then, laughing hysterically, grabbed three out of five boxes Madeleine was using and took off running. Madeleine chased her, crying. Juliette sped up laughing.

It was one of those days.

My favorite memory, the one that will make me miss the sleeping beauties tonight, was after their nap when we were all curled up on the couch together. Madeleine on my lap, Juliette under my arm. We were all just staring at each other and talking and laughing and it was warm and sweet and perfect.

Hopefully tomorrow we will all be a bit more well rested and Madeleine's sassy pants will be folded away in her drawer.

And hopefully I will be able to figure out a way to post the video of Juliette singing "Elmo's World." Good stuff.

The Return of Sheek and Scolag

I'm not going to lie. I don't think I was really prepared for just how weird kids are. I'd spent a lot of time around children growing up and they do say ridiculous stuff... but still... my kids are odd.

I love it. I'm odd. I sometimes surprise myself with the things I think and say. Kyle is odd too. When I predicted traits that our kids were going to inherit from their parents I figured, tall with long legs. Maybe a bit nerdy. Definitely conservative and not all that coordinated. I should have added weird to the list. My kids. Just like me. Weird.

I gave birth to two daughters. They couldn't be any more different. I mean, they don't even look related to begin with but in personality as well. Madeleine is serious, loyal, imaginative, dreamy, sensitive, shy, concerned for others, headstrong, and very loving. Juliette is wild, extremely affectionate, full of energy, gregarious, laughs easily, social, determined, generous, kind of hilarious, curious... and oh boy is she affectionate. The biggest thing they have in common is their love for each other. Madeleine adores her sister, takes care of her... and Juliette things that the sun rises and sets with Madeleine. They are best friends. And they are both weird.

But we don't get to meet new people all that much and when we do I sometimes back my car into their homes. Bygones. Anywho... Madeleine was in search of new friends.

Sheek and Scolag first made their "appearance" a couple of weeks ago, right after the surgery when I was staying home a lot. With names like pagan gods and the ability appear only when I am not looking, they became Madeleine's newest friends... much to the dismay of Juliette who couldn't figure out why Madeleine wasn't playing with her all of a sudden.

They'd been gone for a couple of weeks. Probably because we had been getting out of the house more. But I have been sick for the past couple of days and we have been staying in.

And today they returned.

Hopefully though, since tomorrow Madeleine starts ballet, Sheek and Scolag will depart again. They honestly kind of creep me out.


Kids are just weird little creatures... and I cannot get enough. I wish I was more like them.

Bygones

Well... I'm alive!!!

I realize that I haven't written since before my surgery so some people may have assumed that I died... or something. Really though laziness, my own mental sanity, and Ally McBeal reruns have taken precedence over blogging lately. Mentally and emotionally I have had a lot to sift through and it's hard to get back into the pattern of something like "blogging" when you've taken a lot of time off.

The surgery went very well and I healed really quickly. I mean seriously, I was at the park with the kids a week later. Heck the next day I was at Starbucks. Of course, that doesn't say much because not many things could keep me and caffeine apart for more than 24 hours. Bygones.

Anywho, I'm starting to get back into the grove of life. It's been crazy here. I'm starting "home school" preschool with Madeleine, ballet begins Saturday, cleaning out the basement, giving old clothes to charity when Kyle isn't around to hoard, mom's groups, play groups, my 27th birthday, Kyle's 30th (I call him my Woody Allen), Juliette's second birthday, a wedding in November, a godmother two weeks later, Kyle applying for jobs in other cities before the company is bought, Kyle working tons of overtime, fretting about the election, fretting about fertility, trying to be somewhat domestic and decorate for the seasons and holidays, trying to convince Kyle I need new boots... LIFE. Whew. Exhausted.

Most of the time it's really good. Kyle has had to work 10-20 hours of overtime a week lately. I've been really missing him. With his company being bought by Southwest this is a very crazy time for him. I do my best to be the supportive wife; keeping the right beer in stock, looking pretty, making food, keeping the kids alive and happy, constantly thanking him for his sheer amazingness, and restarting the blog. It was his request that I get back into it. Despite listening to me talk all day he still wants to hear what I have to say. Especially because apparently my musings are more entertaining to him when written down. I tend to think that is partly because he tends to space out when I'm talking. Bygones.

The little ones are as adorable as ever. I wish I could copy and paste a lot of my facebook statuses into the blog. They are constantly amazing to me. Madeleine spent a lot of time playing "doctor" when I got back from surgery. She would life up my shirt and examine my incisions and ask me how I was feeling and if I was getting better. She had a hard time with the fact that I wasn't allowed to life her. Finally, one day, I got the go-ahead from my doctor to pick up my children. I immediately went over to her and scooped her up. She glowed, smiling and burying her head into my shoulder. She met my eyes and said, "Your boo-boo is all better? You can pick me up now?" I told her, "Yes." For the next few days she had me carry her everywhere. Even when going from the bathroom to the playroom she wanted me to carry her just because she had missed the feeling of being held by her mommy.

Juliette, on the other hand, was so excited to see me when I came home from the hospital that she immediately crawled up onto me, wrapped her arms around my next, kissed me, and kneed me in the incision. I didn't care. Nothing was more painful that being away from them.

The whole summer was hard, not being able to take them to the park or the zoo or museaums without Kyle to help because I was in too much pain. Now it's the little joys. Being able to strap them into the minivan and just go, knowing that I am able to take care of my kids away from the comfort of my home and my couch.

They are growing up way too fast these days. Preschool age? Almost two? My poor heart can barely comprehend it. There is just so much to do. They have so much they want to share with me and show me and so much they want to do with me. Even when it is just sitting as they perform a dance or play tea party or make up some ridiculous story. I can give them my attention now. I don't have pain constantly there, a distraction and hinderance.

Now the only thing holding me back are the dreams I haven't been able to realize. I can't move forward without giving them to God. Not giving up on them, just giving them to Someone who knows my heart a lot better than I do. Life doesn't always go the way you want it to go. My life is pretty amazing. If it were up to me I wouldn't have health problems... God is teaching me to suffer well. If it were up to me I'd be pregnant by now... God is teaching me about patience and trust. It doesn't always make sense to me and it doesn't always click... but it's Truth. God knows best. God loves me. God's plan is perfect. And if everyone gets sick of listening to my struggles, He never does.

I'm going to Carpe Diem for a bit because life is a lot better than it was four short weeks ago. My kids are beautiful and they make me laugh and they will only be this age for so long. And I know being in the moment is exhausting but I have spent too much time worrying about the future. That is far more exhausting to me.