When today started off I honestly should have known that it would be one of those days...
I woke up after having gotten maybe five hours of sleep and was immediately thrown into the impossible task of waking up the sleeping beasts. At night, when they are all sweet and innocent they are my sleeping beauties. Morning... beasts. Just like mommy.
But we had ballet and Madeleine had to wear clothes and she did NOT want to wake up and she did NOT want to wear clothes and she did NOT want to leave the house. Somehow though the three of us made it out and over the ballet studio. Late. Of course.
Although she spent the first ten minutes attached to my leg, everything changed when the teacher brought out magic wands for the girls to dance with. Suddenly Madeleine was transformed from shy three year old to graceful princess... at least in her own mind. After that she was front and center, attentive, while her sister looked on, swept up and filled with the same awe I felt the first time I went to the Nutcracker.
We left after it was all finished, twirling through the hallways and out to the car. And then it all just fell apart. All of us overtired, two thirds of us tired, and one third of us... wearing sassy pants.
I want to know WHO EXACTLY bought Madeleine her own super special pair of sassy pants recently because hooooooo boy has she been strutting around in them.
These are two of the conversations we had today:
Madeleine- Mommy, I want some ice cream.
Me- No Madeleine, we are not having ice cream right now.
Madeleine- Well that is a bad choice.
Me- Madeleine, it is time for prayers.
Madeleine- First we will do prayers, then I will get medicine.
Me- No, you do not need medicine. You are not sick.
Madeleine- Those are my rules.
I mean REALLY. I thought kids were supposed to at least hit puberty before they became teenagers.
But seriously, usually Madeleine is a really sweet kid. Today was a hard day.
And she was not the only Behr baby to be put in the corner. "Nobody puts baby in the corner!" Think again. My twenty-one month old is well aquainted with it. My favorite story of Juliette today was when Madeleine was quietly constructing a house out of boxes. Juliette came over and Madeleine begged her not to touch it. She pushed it over and then, laughing hysterically, grabbed three out of five boxes Madeleine was using and took off running. Madeleine chased her, crying. Juliette sped up laughing.
It was one of those days.
My favorite memory, the one that will make me miss the sleeping beauties tonight, was after their nap when we were all curled up on the couch together. Madeleine on my lap, Juliette under my arm. We were all just staring at each other and talking and laughing and it was warm and sweet and perfect.
Hopefully tomorrow we will all be a bit more well rested and Madeleine's sassy pants will be folded away in her drawer.
And hopefully I will be able to figure out a way to post the video of Juliette singing "Elmo's World." Good stuff.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
The Return of Sheek and Scolag
I'm not going to lie. I don't think I was really prepared for just how weird kids are. I'd spent a lot of time around children growing up and they do say ridiculous stuff... but still... my kids are odd.
I love it. I'm odd. I sometimes surprise myself with the things I think and say. Kyle is odd too. When I predicted traits that our kids were going to inherit from their parents I figured, tall with long legs. Maybe a bit nerdy. Definitely conservative and not all that coordinated. I should have added weird to the list. My kids. Just like me. Weird.
I gave birth to two daughters. They couldn't be any more different. I mean, they don't even look related to begin with but in personality as well. Madeleine is serious, loyal, imaginative, dreamy, sensitive, shy, concerned for others, headstrong, and very loving. Juliette is wild, extremely affectionate, full of energy, gregarious, laughs easily, social, determined, generous, kind of hilarious, curious... and oh boy is she affectionate. The biggest thing they have in common is their love for each other. Madeleine adores her sister, takes care of her... and Juliette things that the sun rises and sets with Madeleine. They are best friends. And they are both weird.
But we don't get to meet new people all that much and when we do I sometimes back my car into their homes. Bygones. Anywho... Madeleine was in search of new friends.
Sheek and Scolag first made their "appearance" a couple of weeks ago, right after the surgery when I was staying home a lot. With names like pagan gods and the ability appear only when I am not looking, they became Madeleine's newest friends... much to the dismay of Juliette who couldn't figure out why Madeleine wasn't playing with her all of a sudden.
They'd been gone for a couple of weeks. Probably because we had been getting out of the house more. But I have been sick for the past couple of days and we have been staying in.
And today they returned.
Hopefully though, since tomorrow Madeleine starts ballet, Sheek and Scolag will depart again. They honestly kind of creep me out.
Kids are just weird little creatures... and I cannot get enough. I wish I was more like them.
I love it. I'm odd. I sometimes surprise myself with the things I think and say. Kyle is odd too. When I predicted traits that our kids were going to inherit from their parents I figured, tall with long legs. Maybe a bit nerdy. Definitely conservative and not all that coordinated. I should have added weird to the list. My kids. Just like me. Weird.
I gave birth to two daughters. They couldn't be any more different. I mean, they don't even look related to begin with but in personality as well. Madeleine is serious, loyal, imaginative, dreamy, sensitive, shy, concerned for others, headstrong, and very loving. Juliette is wild, extremely affectionate, full of energy, gregarious, laughs easily, social, determined, generous, kind of hilarious, curious... and oh boy is she affectionate. The biggest thing they have in common is their love for each other. Madeleine adores her sister, takes care of her... and Juliette things that the sun rises and sets with Madeleine. They are best friends. And they are both weird.
But we don't get to meet new people all that much and when we do I sometimes back my car into their homes. Bygones. Anywho... Madeleine was in search of new friends.
Sheek and Scolag first made their "appearance" a couple of weeks ago, right after the surgery when I was staying home a lot. With names like pagan gods and the ability appear only when I am not looking, they became Madeleine's newest friends... much to the dismay of Juliette who couldn't figure out why Madeleine wasn't playing with her all of a sudden.
They'd been gone for a couple of weeks. Probably because we had been getting out of the house more. But I have been sick for the past couple of days and we have been staying in.
And today they returned.
Hopefully though, since tomorrow Madeleine starts ballet, Sheek and Scolag will depart again. They honestly kind of creep me out.
Kids are just weird little creatures... and I cannot get enough. I wish I was more like them.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Bygones
Well... I'm alive!!!
I realize that I haven't written since before my surgery so some people may have assumed that I died... or something. Really though laziness, my own mental sanity, and Ally McBeal reruns have taken precedence over blogging lately. Mentally and emotionally I have had a lot to sift through and it's hard to get back into the pattern of something like "blogging" when you've taken a lot of time off.
The surgery went very well and I healed really quickly. I mean seriously, I was at the park with the kids a week later. Heck the next day I was at Starbucks. Of course, that doesn't say much because not many things could keep me and caffeine apart for more than 24 hours. Bygones.
Anywho, I'm starting to get back into the grove of life. It's been crazy here. I'm starting "home school" preschool with Madeleine, ballet begins Saturday, cleaning out the basement, giving old clothes to charity when Kyle isn't around to hoard, mom's groups, play groups, my 27th birthday, Kyle's 30th (I call him my Woody Allen), Juliette's second birthday, a wedding in November, a godmother two weeks later, Kyle applying for jobs in other cities before the company is bought, Kyle working tons of overtime, fretting about the election, fretting about fertility, trying to be somewhat domestic and decorate for the seasons and holidays, trying to convince Kyle I need new boots... LIFE. Whew. Exhausted.
Most of the time it's really good. Kyle has had to work 10-20 hours of overtime a week lately. I've been really missing him. With his company being bought by Southwest this is a very crazy time for him. I do my best to be the supportive wife; keeping the right beer in stock, looking pretty, making food, keeping the kids alive and happy, constantly thanking him for his sheer amazingness, and restarting the blog. It was his request that I get back into it. Despite listening to me talk all day he still wants to hear what I have to say. Especially because apparently my musings are more entertaining to him when written down. I tend to think that is partly because he tends to space out when I'm talking. Bygones.
The little ones are as adorable as ever. I wish I could copy and paste a lot of my facebook statuses into the blog. They are constantly amazing to me. Madeleine spent a lot of time playing "doctor" when I got back from surgery. She would life up my shirt and examine my incisions and ask me how I was feeling and if I was getting better. She had a hard time with the fact that I wasn't allowed to life her. Finally, one day, I got the go-ahead from my doctor to pick up my children. I immediately went over to her and scooped her up. She glowed, smiling and burying her head into my shoulder. She met my eyes and said, "Your boo-boo is all better? You can pick me up now?" I told her, "Yes." For the next few days she had me carry her everywhere. Even when going from the bathroom to the playroom she wanted me to carry her just because she had missed the feeling of being held by her mommy.
Juliette, on the other hand, was so excited to see me when I came home from the hospital that she immediately crawled up onto me, wrapped her arms around my next, kissed me, and kneed me in the incision. I didn't care. Nothing was more painful that being away from them.
The whole summer was hard, not being able to take them to the park or the zoo or museaums without Kyle to help because I was in too much pain. Now it's the little joys. Being able to strap them into the minivan and just go, knowing that I am able to take care of my kids away from the comfort of my home and my couch.
They are growing up way too fast these days. Preschool age? Almost two? My poor heart can barely comprehend it. There is just so much to do. They have so much they want to share with me and show me and so much they want to do with me. Even when it is just sitting as they perform a dance or play tea party or make up some ridiculous story. I can give them my attention now. I don't have pain constantly there, a distraction and hinderance.
Now the only thing holding me back are the dreams I haven't been able to realize. I can't move forward without giving them to God. Not giving up on them, just giving them to Someone who knows my heart a lot better than I do. Life doesn't always go the way you want it to go. My life is pretty amazing. If it were up to me I wouldn't have health problems... God is teaching me to suffer well. If it were up to me I'd be pregnant by now... God is teaching me about patience and trust. It doesn't always make sense to me and it doesn't always click... but it's Truth. God knows best. God loves me. God's plan is perfect. And if everyone gets sick of listening to my struggles, He never does.
I'm going to Carpe Diem for a bit because life is a lot better than it was four short weeks ago. My kids are beautiful and they make me laugh and they will only be this age for so long. And I know being in the moment is exhausting but I have spent too much time worrying about the future. That is far more exhausting to me.
I realize that I haven't written since before my surgery so some people may have assumed that I died... or something. Really though laziness, my own mental sanity, and Ally McBeal reruns have taken precedence over blogging lately. Mentally and emotionally I have had a lot to sift through and it's hard to get back into the pattern of something like "blogging" when you've taken a lot of time off.
The surgery went very well and I healed really quickly. I mean seriously, I was at the park with the kids a week later. Heck the next day I was at Starbucks. Of course, that doesn't say much because not many things could keep me and caffeine apart for more than 24 hours. Bygones.
Anywho, I'm starting to get back into the grove of life. It's been crazy here. I'm starting "home school" preschool with Madeleine, ballet begins Saturday, cleaning out the basement, giving old clothes to charity when Kyle isn't around to hoard, mom's groups, play groups, my 27th birthday, Kyle's 30th (I call him my Woody Allen), Juliette's second birthday, a wedding in November, a godmother two weeks later, Kyle applying for jobs in other cities before the company is bought, Kyle working tons of overtime, fretting about the election, fretting about fertility, trying to be somewhat domestic and decorate for the seasons and holidays, trying to convince Kyle I need new boots... LIFE. Whew. Exhausted.
Most of the time it's really good. Kyle has had to work 10-20 hours of overtime a week lately. I've been really missing him. With his company being bought by Southwest this is a very crazy time for him. I do my best to be the supportive wife; keeping the right beer in stock, looking pretty, making food, keeping the kids alive and happy, constantly thanking him for his sheer amazingness, and restarting the blog. It was his request that I get back into it. Despite listening to me talk all day he still wants to hear what I have to say. Especially because apparently my musings are more entertaining to him when written down. I tend to think that is partly because he tends to space out when I'm talking. Bygones.
The little ones are as adorable as ever. I wish I could copy and paste a lot of my facebook statuses into the blog. They are constantly amazing to me. Madeleine spent a lot of time playing "doctor" when I got back from surgery. She would life up my shirt and examine my incisions and ask me how I was feeling and if I was getting better. She had a hard time with the fact that I wasn't allowed to life her. Finally, one day, I got the go-ahead from my doctor to pick up my children. I immediately went over to her and scooped her up. She glowed, smiling and burying her head into my shoulder. She met my eyes and said, "Your boo-boo is all better? You can pick me up now?" I told her, "Yes." For the next few days she had me carry her everywhere. Even when going from the bathroom to the playroom she wanted me to carry her just because she had missed the feeling of being held by her mommy.
Juliette, on the other hand, was so excited to see me when I came home from the hospital that she immediately crawled up onto me, wrapped her arms around my next, kissed me, and kneed me in the incision. I didn't care. Nothing was more painful that being away from them.
The whole summer was hard, not being able to take them to the park or the zoo or museaums without Kyle to help because I was in too much pain. Now it's the little joys. Being able to strap them into the minivan and just go, knowing that I am able to take care of my kids away from the comfort of my home and my couch.
They are growing up way too fast these days. Preschool age? Almost two? My poor heart can barely comprehend it. There is just so much to do. They have so much they want to share with me and show me and so much they want to do with me. Even when it is just sitting as they perform a dance or play tea party or make up some ridiculous story. I can give them my attention now. I don't have pain constantly there, a distraction and hinderance.
Now the only thing holding me back are the dreams I haven't been able to realize. I can't move forward without giving them to God. Not giving up on them, just giving them to Someone who knows my heart a lot better than I do. Life doesn't always go the way you want it to go. My life is pretty amazing. If it were up to me I wouldn't have health problems... God is teaching me to suffer well. If it were up to me I'd be pregnant by now... God is teaching me about patience and trust. It doesn't always make sense to me and it doesn't always click... but it's Truth. God knows best. God loves me. God's plan is perfect. And if everyone gets sick of listening to my struggles, He never does.
I'm going to Carpe Diem for a bit because life is a lot better than it was four short weeks ago. My kids are beautiful and they make me laugh and they will only be this age for so long. And I know being in the moment is exhausting but I have spent too much time worrying about the future. That is far more exhausting to me.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
In God's Hands
It's been a while since I have posted. I have an excuse though. This has been an incredibly difficult month for me in regards to my health. After I last posted about my struggle with infertility, I went to see my amazing Napro doctor up here in Massachusetts and we decided that the best course of action to improve my fertility was to get me into surgery. He put me in touch with another amazing Napro doctor in New Jersey and we scheduled the surgery for mid September.
After that it all went to heck.
I won't bore anyone with long stories but after being in and out of the hospital for the past two weeks in terrible, horrible pain... we moved up the surgery to this coming Tuesday.
It was an especially difficult decision to make because the following Saturday is the wedding of my amazing sister-in-law Lainey and I am heartbroken to not be able to attend. Thankfully though Kyle will still be at his sister's wedding while my parents take over care of me for those couple of days.
The outlook is very good. The doctors are reasonably certain that I have endometriosis but since I have been able to have two kids already they are in high hopes that after the surgery it will be gone and I will be able to have more. On top of that, all the pain I have been in for these past few months, even the horrible back pain, should mostly go away. So praise God!
I have an incredible support system. My husband, my parents, my sisters, my in-laws, my friends... everyone seems to be coming out of the woodwork with prayers and love and those who live close to us are bending over backwards to help us out. I feel incredibly blessed. I feel at peace.
Surgery is a scary thing but I have a lot of faith in my doctors, partly because they are excellent and partly because both of them are also men of God and I know that the Divine Physician is leading and guiding them.
God is good to me and I can't complain. I am glad to offer up my suffering for others but I'm also really glad that very soon there will be less suffering to offer up.
And then, of course, I am hoping that there will be some morning sickness to give glory to God for.
No matter what, it is clear that He is in control. I won't surrender to fear and self pity. I am blessed and I am under Our Lady's mantle of protection.
Please pray for me on Tuesday, that the surgery goes well and that the doctor can ready my body to carry life again. Thank you all for your love and support.
After that it all went to heck.
I won't bore anyone with long stories but after being in and out of the hospital for the past two weeks in terrible, horrible pain... we moved up the surgery to this coming Tuesday.
It was an especially difficult decision to make because the following Saturday is the wedding of my amazing sister-in-law Lainey and I am heartbroken to not be able to attend. Thankfully though Kyle will still be at his sister's wedding while my parents take over care of me for those couple of days.
The outlook is very good. The doctors are reasonably certain that I have endometriosis but since I have been able to have two kids already they are in high hopes that after the surgery it will be gone and I will be able to have more. On top of that, all the pain I have been in for these past few months, even the horrible back pain, should mostly go away. So praise God!
I have an incredible support system. My husband, my parents, my sisters, my in-laws, my friends... everyone seems to be coming out of the woodwork with prayers and love and those who live close to us are bending over backwards to help us out. I feel incredibly blessed. I feel at peace.
Surgery is a scary thing but I have a lot of faith in my doctors, partly because they are excellent and partly because both of them are also men of God and I know that the Divine Physician is leading and guiding them.
God is good to me and I can't complain. I am glad to offer up my suffering for others but I'm also really glad that very soon there will be less suffering to offer up.
And then, of course, I am hoping that there will be some morning sickness to give glory to God for.
No matter what, it is clear that He is in control. I won't surrender to fear and self pity. I am blessed and I am under Our Lady's mantle of protection.
Please pray for me on Tuesday, that the surgery goes well and that the doctor can ready my body to carry life again. Thank you all for your love and support.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
And now for something completely different...
This is a much more serious post than what I am used to writing about. Usually it's something uplifting about my kids or my husband or my vocation. Honestly, I'm not even sure why I am writing about it. About half of you will think this is too personal to share online, forty percent will not get it and think it's not "that bad", and then ten percent of you will cover me in prayer. That's why I writing. I need those "ten percent" prayers. And also, to be honest, I want to be honest. I think I'm just tired about writing around the thing consuming 75 percent of my thoughts. Writing is also healing for me, conquering my fears by putting them in words. And since many of you have asked if I am pregnant again yet...
As most of you know, I lost my first baby four years ago in an ectopic pregnancy. That I have shared before. And many of you have commented on my luck with fertility since then. It's true, to lose a tube and achieve two successful pregnancies essentially back to back is a miracle and I thank God for those miracles every day and then some. Through everything I have not lost sight of how blessed I am.
Still, the ectopic pregnancy has left me with some scars, both physical and emotional, that have been hard to recover from. It has become clear to me at this point that the large family I always dreamed of may not be within my grasp.
To those of you who know the pain of infertility on a much deeper level than myself, you have my deepest sympathy. So many of you carry a much heavier cross than I and I weep with you. I've been able to have two healthy daughters and I in no way take them for granted or believe that I can compare my situation to the pain of never being able to conceive. All I know is the struggle that I have faced in the past twelve months and will continue to face in the years ahead will constantly remind me to keep you in my prayers.
To those of you who take your fertility for granted, please remember that nothing is certain. You may complain about avoiding for now and tomorrow look back with regret. Maybe, maybe not. But please remember that there are people who would love to be in your shoes so please offer up your nausea and sleep deprivation for them.
Infertility if one of those things that people don't want to hear about. Sometimes I wonder if it's because it goes on for so long. In the beginning people just dismiss it and tell you that "everything will be alright" and by the time months and months have passed people are just tired of hearing about it. They think you "talk about it too much" and maybe even judge your faith. You hear "offer it up" and "look on the bright side". Talks of God's will and what else you can accomplish with those nine months it would take you to bear a child. It's not helpful. None of it is. Those of us who struggle generally know that God has a higher purpose and that if we do not understand it in this life, we will finally get it in the next. That doesn't make our heartbreak any less real or our faith any less strong. If anything, those I have witnessed suffer the most tend to be the holiest. Where else do you go when you are lost except to God? I can't pretend to speak for everyone, not even close, but I can speak for myself when I say is that what we need is for someone to say, "Yes. That sucks. I will pray for you." Someone to listen when we call and be with us when we weep.
I don't particularly think my situation is as serious as most, as evidenced by my two beautiful daughters, but after wanting to be pregnant again for almost a year now (a year doesn't that long until you go through it and then it feels like an eternity) and knowing that it has not happened and that I am only 26, I realize that it may also be a much more bumpy road ahead than I had originally thought.
And praise God, right? Because in my suffering I can be more united with him and with Our Lady. Still, it hurts. It hurts so badly that sometimes I can barely breathe. And there are some ladies I know of who have it so much harder than I do. For them I have no words.
If you are uncomfortable with what to say to someone struggling with infertility, I am sure we all know someone, please do not say the following:
"Well isn't pregnancy so hard?"
"Kids are really expensive anyway."
"It will happen. Just have faith."
"Wow it would be crazy if I got pregnant again before you."
"Maybe you should have more sex."
"At least you are able to be there for the kids you already have instead of dealing with another newborn."
"Look on the bright side..."
"I'm sure nothing is wrong."
"Just go have a drink and enjoy not being pregnant."
"Maybe it's a good thing because...."
"If you stop worrying it will just happen."
"At least you already have some kids."
And yes, those are all things that people, with probably the best of intentions, have said to me. And to someone who isn't hurting, most of those sound like legitimate responses. To me it feels more like salt on a wound rather than a band aid or stitches.
Also, please do not complain about your pregnancies or fertility to someone struggling. I know that personally I am always joyful for new life even if it takes me a second to get over my grief for myself. And I would love to hear about your babies and pray for your struggles. Just don't call me to complain.
Just try to be respectful of feelings and when in doubt, offer your prayers and sympathies. You can never go wrong with that. And listening helps too. I figure stuff out by talking it out. In fact, I'm pretty sure that listening to me blab in this blog entry has already shaved some time off of purgatory for you. Congrats. Thank me later. ;)
For all I know I could end up pregnant next month, or in a year, or never. Only God knows. I'm trying to take this all one day at a time and seek councel from a strong, Catholic doctor that understands fertility and respects my faith.
I am filled with joy at God's goodness to me. I have more than I ever dreamed or will ever deserve. I have more than many. But I'm still allowed to say, "Yes. My heart is broken." It's full and broken all at the same time. I'm going to strive to continue to exude joy no matter what happens in the future because God is still good. I hope you will understand my moments of weakness.
So do what you want with this post. I'm expecting the spectrum from eye rolling to sympathy. I just wanted to be honest. We all have our crosses, our struggles, this is mine. I cannot complain but instead want to share my struggle and in humility ask for prayer because I will be much stronger covered in prayer.
As most of you know, I lost my first baby four years ago in an ectopic pregnancy. That I have shared before. And many of you have commented on my luck with fertility since then. It's true, to lose a tube and achieve two successful pregnancies essentially back to back is a miracle and I thank God for those miracles every day and then some. Through everything I have not lost sight of how blessed I am.
Still, the ectopic pregnancy has left me with some scars, both physical and emotional, that have been hard to recover from. It has become clear to me at this point that the large family I always dreamed of may not be within my grasp.
To those of you who know the pain of infertility on a much deeper level than myself, you have my deepest sympathy. So many of you carry a much heavier cross than I and I weep with you. I've been able to have two healthy daughters and I in no way take them for granted or believe that I can compare my situation to the pain of never being able to conceive. All I know is the struggle that I have faced in the past twelve months and will continue to face in the years ahead will constantly remind me to keep you in my prayers.
To those of you who take your fertility for granted, please remember that nothing is certain. You may complain about avoiding for now and tomorrow look back with regret. Maybe, maybe not. But please remember that there are people who would love to be in your shoes so please offer up your nausea and sleep deprivation for them.
Infertility if one of those things that people don't want to hear about. Sometimes I wonder if it's because it goes on for so long. In the beginning people just dismiss it and tell you that "everything will be alright" and by the time months and months have passed people are just tired of hearing about it. They think you "talk about it too much" and maybe even judge your faith. You hear "offer it up" and "look on the bright side". Talks of God's will and what else you can accomplish with those nine months it would take you to bear a child. It's not helpful. None of it is. Those of us who struggle generally know that God has a higher purpose and that if we do not understand it in this life, we will finally get it in the next. That doesn't make our heartbreak any less real or our faith any less strong. If anything, those I have witnessed suffer the most tend to be the holiest. Where else do you go when you are lost except to God? I can't pretend to speak for everyone, not even close, but I can speak for myself when I say is that what we need is for someone to say, "Yes. That sucks. I will pray for you." Someone to listen when we call and be with us when we weep.
I don't particularly think my situation is as serious as most, as evidenced by my two beautiful daughters, but after wanting to be pregnant again for almost a year now (a year doesn't that long until you go through it and then it feels like an eternity) and knowing that it has not happened and that I am only 26, I realize that it may also be a much more bumpy road ahead than I had originally thought.
And praise God, right? Because in my suffering I can be more united with him and with Our Lady. Still, it hurts. It hurts so badly that sometimes I can barely breathe. And there are some ladies I know of who have it so much harder than I do. For them I have no words.
If you are uncomfortable with what to say to someone struggling with infertility, I am sure we all know someone, please do not say the following:
"Well isn't pregnancy so hard?"
"Kids are really expensive anyway."
"It will happen. Just have faith."
"Wow it would be crazy if I got pregnant again before you."
"Maybe you should have more sex."
"At least you are able to be there for the kids you already have instead of dealing with another newborn."
"Look on the bright side..."
"I'm sure nothing is wrong."
"Just go have a drink and enjoy not being pregnant."
"Maybe it's a good thing because...."
"If you stop worrying it will just happen."
"At least you already have some kids."
And yes, those are all things that people, with probably the best of intentions, have said to me. And to someone who isn't hurting, most of those sound like legitimate responses. To me it feels more like salt on a wound rather than a band aid or stitches.
Also, please do not complain about your pregnancies or fertility to someone struggling. I know that personally I am always joyful for new life even if it takes me a second to get over my grief for myself. And I would love to hear about your babies and pray for your struggles. Just don't call me to complain.
Just try to be respectful of feelings and when in doubt, offer your prayers and sympathies. You can never go wrong with that. And listening helps too. I figure stuff out by talking it out. In fact, I'm pretty sure that listening to me blab in this blog entry has already shaved some time off of purgatory for you. Congrats. Thank me later. ;)
For all I know I could end up pregnant next month, or in a year, or never. Only God knows. I'm trying to take this all one day at a time and seek councel from a strong, Catholic doctor that understands fertility and respects my faith.
I am filled with joy at God's goodness to me. I have more than I ever dreamed or will ever deserve. I have more than many. But I'm still allowed to say, "Yes. My heart is broken." It's full and broken all at the same time. I'm going to strive to continue to exude joy no matter what happens in the future because God is still good. I hope you will understand my moments of weakness.
So do what you want with this post. I'm expecting the spectrum from eye rolling to sympathy. I just wanted to be honest. We all have our crosses, our struggles, this is mine. I cannot complain but instead want to share my struggle and in humility ask for prayer because I will be much stronger covered in prayer.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I have girls... not ladies
First of all, a big shout out goes to my friend Lisa who gave birth to her daughter on my anniversary. She is such a dedicated reader that she waiting until my series about my wedding was over to give birth! I also believe that since she gave birth on my anniversary that her baby girl is a gift for me and I am therefore allowed to eat her toes.
But congrats to Lisa! YAY!
At the Behr house we have been having a lot of fun with weddings because mommy had spent a good portion of last week showing Madeleine her wedding photos, listening to my wedding song, and watching my wedding videos. This has led to some very interesting "weddings" around the Behr house. So far Madeleine has married myself, her sister, a dress, a basket, and the table. I'm not sure she "gets" what a wedding is but boy does she love having them. She s my little Elizabeth Taylor.
Meanwhile Juliette has taking to streaking. While she is currently in clothing, I am not expecting this to last long. And then there is her big sister who farts and then says, "Excuse me! My butt burped!" and the laughs hysterically. The doctor did say, "It's a girl!" not "It's a lady!"
The whole "Juliette stripping" thing is apparently taking it's toll on Madeleine's mental health. Yesterday they were in their room cuddling and I could hear Madeleine saying to her sister, "Oh I love you! You are so cute! Let me rub you back! Thank you for your hugs!" So I went into the room and smiled at them and took their picture. I left and only a few minutes later I hear Madeleine saying, "I am losing my mind! Why are you taking your diaper off?" I went back into the room and sure enough, Juliette was diaper-less.
As many of you know, Saturday was our anniversary. To celebrate, I made Kyle a meal fit for a Texan. There was chicken fried chicken, gravy, mashed potatoes, gravy, biscuits, gravy... it was glorious. He bragged that it was some of the best he had ever had which just made me so happy because I wanted it to be perfect for him. I even broke out the fancy china for the occasion.
Today Kyle and I are dropping the girls off at my mom's and heading into New York City for two nights all on our own. We are super excited about it. The girls are too because they know that this means they are going to get spoiled. Madeleine even let me put her hair up this morning and Juliette is giving Saint Joseph a checkup before we leave.
And that is my short, little update. Hope you liked it! I'm sure I will have lots of pictures from New York.
But congrats to Lisa! YAY!
At the Behr house we have been having a lot of fun with weddings because mommy had spent a good portion of last week showing Madeleine her wedding photos, listening to my wedding song, and watching my wedding videos. This has led to some very interesting "weddings" around the Behr house. So far Madeleine has married myself, her sister, a dress, a basket, and the table. I'm not sure she "gets" what a wedding is but boy does she love having them. She s my little Elizabeth Taylor.
Meanwhile Juliette has taking to streaking. While she is currently in clothing, I am not expecting this to last long. And then there is her big sister who farts and then says, "Excuse me! My butt burped!" and the laughs hysterically. The doctor did say, "It's a girl!" not "It's a lady!"
The whole "Juliette stripping" thing is apparently taking it's toll on Madeleine's mental health. Yesterday they were in their room cuddling and I could hear Madeleine saying to her sister, "Oh I love you! You are so cute! Let me rub you back! Thank you for your hugs!" So I went into the room and smiled at them and took their picture. I left and only a few minutes later I hear Madeleine saying, "I am losing my mind! Why are you taking your diaper off?" I went back into the room and sure enough, Juliette was diaper-less.
 |
| Cuddling with her fully clothed sister |
As many of you know, Saturday was our anniversary. To celebrate, I made Kyle a meal fit for a Texan. There was chicken fried chicken, gravy, mashed potatoes, gravy, biscuits, gravy... it was glorious. He bragged that it was some of the best he had ever had which just made me so happy because I wanted it to be perfect for him. I even broke out the fancy china for the occasion.
 |
| Every bit as good as it looked! |
Today Kyle and I are dropping the girls off at my mom's and heading into New York City for two nights all on our own. We are super excited about it. The girls are too because they know that this means they are going to get spoiled. Madeleine even let me put her hair up this morning and Juliette is giving Saint Joseph a checkup before we leave.
 |
| My little doll |
 |
| Oh no! She can't find his heartbeat! |
And that is my short, little update. Hope you liked it! I'm sure I will have lots of pictures from New York.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Sarah and Kyle Part 6- The Life
Fairy tales, romantic comedies, they are all about the story of how the couple comes to fall in love, the trials they face during their relationship, and how they eventually decide that they want to be together. At least in the past these stories and movies have ended with a couple getting married, but too often today they just end with the couple hopping into bed together. Then the picture comes to a close and we are supposed to assume that they have lived happily ever after.
I think that is why we have this attitude that the wedding day is the finish line, the goal. When I was engaged a friend of more told another friend of mine, right in front of me, that at least she still had her "surprise to look forward to"... as if once you know who you are marrying then that is just it for you. No surprises for the married woman.
I was surprised just yesterday. My husband wanted to get my anniversary present a day early and decided to tease his impatient wife by leaving clues and making phone calls saying, "Guess where I am now. I'm in _____ area of Boston. Do you know what stores are there." And, because he knows me, he knew that I would fly to my computer and look up all the stores in that area. By the time he got home I was bouncing off the wall and he had me cover my eyes while he got my present ready. When I opened them he was holding the box that had held my engagement ring and when I opened it there was a ring with my birth stone, which because it is pink also symbolizes the two daughters that I have given him in these five years.
The story of how Kyle and I met and fell in love is a good one. The story of how we grow that love is even better. To say "and they all lived happily ever after" would be to do away with the best part of the story. It's watching Star Wars episodes 1-3 and leaving out the original 4-6.
If you want a good story, something that happens after marriage, let me tell you about the time I found out that I was pregnant with Madeleine. I could write a five part series about that too. Or when I gave birth and saw her little face for the first time and realized how much I loved her. Maybe I could write about when I found out I was pregnant with Juliette and I almost passed out in a Jack in the Box parking lot. Or the little surprises in life, they make great tales too. I could talk about when Kyle brings me home flowers after he knows I have had a hard day. Or when my kids said their first words, took their first steps, the first time Kyle actually managed to put his laundry away.
"They" tell you that planning a wedding is like a marathon, but honestly, it doesn't need to be. Relax and focus your energy into making sure that you are as strong as possible as a couple because LIFE, what happens after the wedding day, makes planning a wedding seem like a leisurly stroll. Life moves fast and you'll want to freeze time and hold onto those moments you will never get back, the days that it's just "you" before kids come, the days you only have one kid to chase after, because the future seems daunting and uncertain. But then your first child is born, the second and you wonder what you were so scared about. It keeps getting better. Why did you ever want to stop time in the first place?
Then, eventually, you learn to sit back and enjoy it because, yes there is stress but there is far more love and joy and if you are blinded by your fears and your ambitions then you won't be able to see the beauty of God's plan unfolding before you.
A real love story looks and sounds like a newlywed's first fight, staying up until three in the morning to talk just because they can, the first time the wife buys plane tickets under her new last name, being gathered around a stick you just peed on to see how many lines are there, calling family to share the good news, the newborn's first screams, the insescant talking of the toddler, the school bus, the sound of the dishwasher running all day every day, finding an old apple inside the play kitchen, the first time your child is rejected and you consider beating up whoever hurt them, being concerned about money, buying a house, losing a job, illness, finding out if the puddle on the carpet is pee or water, finally finding a baby sitter so you can go out, and way too many pictures uploaded on facebook... and those are only the early years. There is still so much more to come.
Five years later I am happier and my life is filled with more love than I ever imagined. There have been struggles along the way before, loss, sickness, and our vows have endured it with the bond between us growing stronger. We know each other better, have learned how to help each other better, understand each other, and give the other person what they need and not what we think they need. We've learned to communicate better. We've gone on some amazing adventures together, birthed two children and lost one other. We have lived an amazing life and it's only been five years.
So what is it to this thought that marriage is the end of the road, that once you get married you are stuck and boring and bored? I honestly have no idea. I haven't had a chance to accomplish and experience even a fourth of what my parents have in their 31 years of marriage but seeing them, the joy of their children getting married and having their grandchildren, I know that there is still so much more to come and none of it would have been possible if five years ago today I hadn't said, "I do."
Kyle, thank you for understanding me and taking the time to look beyond the walls I put up to see the person underneath. Thank you for finding me interesting and listening to my stories. Thank you for putting a ring on it. Thank you for putting another ring on it five years ago today. Thank you for the incredible honeymoon. Thank you for staying at my bedside and praying with me the night we lost our child, for being there when I woke up, for taking care of me in the months that followed with you endless patience. Thank you for moving up to Massachusetts and for being as protective of my sisters as you are of yours. Thank you for always taking my side in public but for talking me down in private and challenging me to grow. Thank you for protecting me from angry secretary lady. Thank you for your joy when we found out that Madeleine was on the way and for cleaning up the floor that time I puked all over it. Thank you for flying out to California when I found out I was pregnat with Juliette to help me on my flights because I felt sick. Thank you for going to McDonald's at midnight that time I was craving chicken. Thank you for being there at both births and just backing off so I could do my thing. Thank you for touching our girls after they came out even though they looked super gross. Thank you for helping me on the late nights. Thank you for working long hours. Thank you for coming home and still playing with the girls and doing the dinner dishes and not just expecting me to serve you because I "stay home all day" but respecting that my job is hard too. Thank you for always telling me what a great job you think I am doing and not picking apart the little things. Thank you for being such an amazing daddy to our girls and not complaining because you want boys. Thank you for being open to life. Thank you for always encouraging me in my faith and for your strong example. Thank you for being the head of our family so I can live in my role as the heart. Thank you for always stepping up, even if it means talking to the people shouting outside our girl's window at midnight. Thank you for waking up at 2:20 every day to go to bed. Thank you for telling me that the hardest part of that is not being able to tuck the girls in at night. Thank you for understanding that sometimes a girl just needs a new pair of shoes. Thank you for taking away the debit card when I'm talking about buying five pairs. Thank you for being the most amazing husband I could ever have imagined.
I couldn't be happier.
Or so I think...
I think that is why we have this attitude that the wedding day is the finish line, the goal. When I was engaged a friend of more told another friend of mine, right in front of me, that at least she still had her "surprise to look forward to"... as if once you know who you are marrying then that is just it for you. No surprises for the married woman.
I was surprised just yesterday. My husband wanted to get my anniversary present a day early and decided to tease his impatient wife by leaving clues and making phone calls saying, "Guess where I am now. I'm in _____ area of Boston. Do you know what stores are there." And, because he knows me, he knew that I would fly to my computer and look up all the stores in that area. By the time he got home I was bouncing off the wall and he had me cover my eyes while he got my present ready. When I opened them he was holding the box that had held my engagement ring and when I opened it there was a ring with my birth stone, which because it is pink also symbolizes the two daughters that I have given him in these five years.
The story of how Kyle and I met and fell in love is a good one. The story of how we grow that love is even better. To say "and they all lived happily ever after" would be to do away with the best part of the story. It's watching Star Wars episodes 1-3 and leaving out the original 4-6.
If you want a good story, something that happens after marriage, let me tell you about the time I found out that I was pregnant with Madeleine. I could write a five part series about that too. Or when I gave birth and saw her little face for the first time and realized how much I loved her. Maybe I could write about when I found out I was pregnant with Juliette and I almost passed out in a Jack in the Box parking lot. Or the little surprises in life, they make great tales too. I could talk about when Kyle brings me home flowers after he knows I have had a hard day. Or when my kids said their first words, took their first steps, the first time Kyle actually managed to put his laundry away.
"They" tell you that planning a wedding is like a marathon, but honestly, it doesn't need to be. Relax and focus your energy into making sure that you are as strong as possible as a couple because LIFE, what happens after the wedding day, makes planning a wedding seem like a leisurly stroll. Life moves fast and you'll want to freeze time and hold onto those moments you will never get back, the days that it's just "you" before kids come, the days you only have one kid to chase after, because the future seems daunting and uncertain. But then your first child is born, the second and you wonder what you were so scared about. It keeps getting better. Why did you ever want to stop time in the first place?
Then, eventually, you learn to sit back and enjoy it because, yes there is stress but there is far more love and joy and if you are blinded by your fears and your ambitions then you won't be able to see the beauty of God's plan unfolding before you.
A real love story looks and sounds like a newlywed's first fight, staying up until three in the morning to talk just because they can, the first time the wife buys plane tickets under her new last name, being gathered around a stick you just peed on to see how many lines are there, calling family to share the good news, the newborn's first screams, the insescant talking of the toddler, the school bus, the sound of the dishwasher running all day every day, finding an old apple inside the play kitchen, the first time your child is rejected and you consider beating up whoever hurt them, being concerned about money, buying a house, losing a job, illness, finding out if the puddle on the carpet is pee or water, finally finding a baby sitter so you can go out, and way too many pictures uploaded on facebook... and those are only the early years. There is still so much more to come.
Five years later I am happier and my life is filled with more love than I ever imagined. There have been struggles along the way before, loss, sickness, and our vows have endured it with the bond between us growing stronger. We know each other better, have learned how to help each other better, understand each other, and give the other person what they need and not what we think they need. We've learned to communicate better. We've gone on some amazing adventures together, birthed two children and lost one other. We have lived an amazing life and it's only been five years.
So what is it to this thought that marriage is the end of the road, that once you get married you are stuck and boring and bored? I honestly have no idea. I haven't had a chance to accomplish and experience even a fourth of what my parents have in their 31 years of marriage but seeing them, the joy of their children getting married and having their grandchildren, I know that there is still so much more to come and none of it would have been possible if five years ago today I hadn't said, "I do."
Kyle, thank you for understanding me and taking the time to look beyond the walls I put up to see the person underneath. Thank you for finding me interesting and listening to my stories. Thank you for putting a ring on it. Thank you for putting another ring on it five years ago today. Thank you for the incredible honeymoon. Thank you for staying at my bedside and praying with me the night we lost our child, for being there when I woke up, for taking care of me in the months that followed with you endless patience. Thank you for moving up to Massachusetts and for being as protective of my sisters as you are of yours. Thank you for always taking my side in public but for talking me down in private and challenging me to grow. Thank you for protecting me from angry secretary lady. Thank you for your joy when we found out that Madeleine was on the way and for cleaning up the floor that time I puked all over it. Thank you for flying out to California when I found out I was pregnat with Juliette to help me on my flights because I felt sick. Thank you for going to McDonald's at midnight that time I was craving chicken. Thank you for being there at both births and just backing off so I could do my thing. Thank you for touching our girls after they came out even though they looked super gross. Thank you for helping me on the late nights. Thank you for working long hours. Thank you for coming home and still playing with the girls and doing the dinner dishes and not just expecting me to serve you because I "stay home all day" but respecting that my job is hard too. Thank you for always telling me what a great job you think I am doing and not picking apart the little things. Thank you for being such an amazing daddy to our girls and not complaining because you want boys. Thank you for being open to life. Thank you for always encouraging me in my faith and for your strong example. Thank you for being the head of our family so I can live in my role as the heart. Thank you for always stepping up, even if it means talking to the people shouting outside our girl's window at midnight. Thank you for waking up at 2:20 every day to go to bed. Thank you for telling me that the hardest part of that is not being able to tuck the girls in at night. Thank you for understanding that sometimes a girl just needs a new pair of shoes. Thank you for taking away the debit card when I'm talking about buying five pairs. Thank you for being the most amazing husband I could ever have imagined.
I couldn't be happier.
Or so I think...
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